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After a year and a half foster placement, our family has adopted a teen from the Virginia foster care system just finalized 07/01/2011. This child has had extensive behavioral issues in this placement, previous placements, as well as in his birth home. These behaviors include manipulationg, lying, deceit, stealing, verbal threats to other children, fighting at school and defiance of authority at school resulting in suspensions, in-school restriction, and detentions, and so on. These behaviors were from day 1, so we have not been able to form a bond or true attachment to this child. We have participated in multiple therapies, attachment studies, in-home, community services with the same conclusions.. a child who is not allowing himself to attach to anyone and who openly chooses these behaviors because he finds them easier as he has known them all his life and finds it easier to be accepted by the peers who also make similar choices. With that being said, our difficulty as parents has been keeping ourselves emotionally distant just so that we can prevent ourselves from taking things personally and becoming overly stressed by his many behavior problems both in the home and in school. The many professionals have suggested that same and usual (reward systems, spending individual time with him, age appropriate consequences, loss of privileges, goal charts, etc.) to no avail. Our hopes is to reach out to others who have either been through a similar circumstance or are going through a similar circumstance. We appreciate all the efforts the professionals have given to us, but it just doesn't seem to make a difference. Many times we feel in our hearts our main focus is to parent this child by providing his needs and allowing him to understand what a family is and what good choices and behaviors can do for our lives. He is 15 now so it is almost as if our biggest impact would be to be a good influence and that a parent/child relationship with hugs, and kisses, and special bonds just might not be in the cards. I would greatly welcome and appreciate any thoughts you may have. Thanks!
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