Contact and Pullback in Reunion

Ask her straight out!! Dont try to second guess....chances are it wont be correct. I am a birthmum in reunion for thirteen years or so. My DD was 18 when I met her. A year or so ago she went a bit "funny" on me. I couldnt stand the emotional effort trying to guess what it was all about. Am I in her life too much? Am I not in her life enough? Round and round in my head. In the end I emailed her and asked her what the story was. Turned out she was holding quite alot of anger about various things....stuff I could have never guessed and stuff that blew me away. I asked her to be totally honest, and she was. Even though some of her stuff was pure assumption, and not necessarily correct it was good for her to vent and good for me to hear. It was actually a relief in alot of ways to know what her expectations were and I could tell her that as well. Dancing around each other doesnt work. Good luck! Susie

I would continue to send the updates as usual. Consistency, in my opinion is KEY in reunion, and if it ain't broke, don't fix it. My son at first indicated he wanted to email and have direct contact, and then did not respond. We were still going through the agency for 2.5 years even after he gave me his identifying information. I would send updates, and not hear back, so I'd give him some space, wait a bit, and send another update. My take was, as long as he was RECEIVING my communication, and not saying "tell her to stop sending it," I was going to keep sending it on a predictable schedule. While going through the agency, I'd update about every season (this was increased from historically giving an annual update, then I went to 2x per year, then 4). Finally, he came around and replied, and then last year, we started directly emailing. We talked on the phone in Nov of last year and have since reunited. Now we communicate every few weeks, with me doing most of the initiating. He is very busy, too, and has a lot going on in his life, with a lot of transitions. I don't always hear back from him when I email or call. I just let it rest, and then try again in another few weeks and he is usually much more responsive. Personally, I don't think everything has to come down to a huge discussion. You might want to run it by her casually, or else not say anything and just keep sending things as you have been, regardless of whether you get a response. As I said, consistency is key and also you are the mom. Even though our kids are grown, I feel as the moms, we need to step up and model consistency and not automatically second guess everything. Sometimes we won't get honest answers anyway, because our kids won't want to hurt our feelings (understandable). And, keep in mind, she is 19. When you were 19 (or even 29, like my son) did you respond to your mom that much? I know I didn't. I was busy with my friends and my life. I also like to take things slowly in reunion. It works better for me, and I think for my son, too. Obviously, if she said "stop communicating so much" you'd respect her wishes. But in the absence of that, I'd keep on as you have. Don't look for trouble where there is none. Right now, you are engaging in mind reading. And I know, it's VERY easy to do in reunion!! I understand Susie's take, and perhaps there is somthing brewing under the surface that you'd like out in the open. At the same time, I don't always think that is the case, and we tend to worry too much about something being "wrong" in reunion, when there really isn't anything at odds.

I agree with Peachy. Everything doesn't have to come down to a big discussion. Sometimes, that only makes it more difficult. I think, depending on who you are, there is a fine line between too much contact an not enough. There is also that whole "over thinking" it thing, reading more into it than is there, especially when we are just getting aquainted with each other. kwim? With D (Bdad) and our second go around at reunion, one thing I've really had to work hard at is checking my expectations, along with my fears and insecurities. kwim? I, have to sometimes remind myself, something to the effect, like, if this was M (bsis), and she didn't call me back, respond to an email, whatever, would I be this upset? The answer is usually no, because I know her better and my expectations are more realistic because of it. Why do I expect more from D than I would M, or anyone else? If M didn't respond for a long time, I wouldn't freak out, I'd just ask if everything was O.K. What makes things so different with D that I couldn't do the same? I know my own answer to that question, but it took me some sole searching and effort to find it, not to mention a lot of time to work through. Your answer with your daughter will be different. I know our situations are different, but hope that might help a little. Of course, it never hurts to ask if everything is alright, tell her you are a little concerned about her, without it turning into a big heavy emotional discussion. I don't know, it seems to me that most teens/young adults, these days, don't really communicate with anyone on a personal level, everything is text, facebook, etc. Really interacting on a personal, emotional, level, do they even know how? Just thinking out loud there. Good luck Brown, and again, I agree with Peachy. I wish I had some better answers for you. The one word I hated most in regards to reunion, in the beginning, was, at one time, patience. I wanted to smack everyone who told me, "Just be patient." Now, it's the phrase, "It just takes time." Uhg, And I'm the worst one of all at telling myself that. Oh, dear, so let me apologize for what I'm about to say to you. Brown, it is just going to take time, and patience, for you guys to work it all out. You can do it. Hang in there, and if you'd like, feel free to let out a loud scream of frustration.

Thanks for the replies! I'm glad so see some of you don't feel a talk is necessary, I don't think either of us are ready for anything like that, even though honest communication is key! The thing is I find myself wanting to write her often, maybe once a month or so, and especially when I see on FB that something is going on in her life. For example, she recently went on vacation, and I had sent her a quick "have fun" message before she left. I see her pictures and I'm finding myself wanting to ask her about them, but since she doesn't respond, I stop and wonder if maybe it's too soon since I sent the last message. (see what I mean? Too much thinking!) I know she's young and busy and I don't expect her to write too much. I just want to make sure I'm not writing too much! Argh!!!!! lol Thanks for letting me scream!

Oh, I don't think once a month is even remotely too much. Once a day, well, that might be a bit much. Once a week, borderline depending, but, "Have a good time." and other snipets, every few weeks, not hardly. I hesitate to really say anything, because our situations are so different, me, being so much older than your daughter, and not really knowing her and the situation like you do. It's very easy on things like facebook, A.com, email, etc. to just not respond to little things like "Have a good time." or other nice things people post. It's not like you intend to be rude, but maybe that, not being face to face, makes it easier to be absent minded, especially for kids. kwim? If you asked about the pictures, without it getting to, hmmm, best word I can think of at the moment, personal, do you think she would answer? I don't know if I can really explain what I mean by personal, but it's hard for me to mix my Afam with Bfam. When I was younger, and even not too long ago, talking about one with the other just made me feel awkward...couldn't really explain it...just didn't feel comfortable talking about afam to bfam, and vice versa. Truth is I still don't the reasons are just different now. I was afraid of hurting one or the other before. Now, it's due to my own issues and feelings. One of the things that bothered me about both of my BPs was that they never really "asked about my life, what was going on, showed any "real" interest in "me" and what "I" was doing. At least it didn't seem that way. I don't really know if anything I did, or didn't do, had a role in that because I always kept most everything private/inside anyway. Maybe they were just afraid of the same things you are so didn't ask? Maybe they were afraid I wouldn't respond, and I probably wouldn't have with much more than a short bla answer back then anyway? kwim? Ha, hindsight? Being A BP must be so frustrating sometimes. Isn't that putting it mildly after all you have been through? Whatever is going on with your daughter, one thing I've learned in my reunions, it's rarely anything I should take personally, and I'll bet it's the same with your daughter. I'm not sure I'm expressing my thoughts well, so...kwim? Hang in there, and stop thinking so much. It will work out, and I know, a lot easier for me to say than you to do. If you need a hug, it's on the way.

Brown, if you've been writing once a month, and your DD indicates that she enjoys your communication even though she doesn't alway respond, I would keep the letters at once a month, just like you have been doing. I've come to expect that my son won't always reply to me, and honestly, at least for now, that is OK with me. I enjoy the writing and reaching out in and of itself and I don't automatically think "OMG, he's in PULLBACK!!!" if I don't hear from him. The more likely explanation is a) he's a guy, b) he's young, c) he's busy, and d) he's a procrastinator with good intentions (i.e. "I'll write her back later" and then later never comes). I would also throw in that I get the feeling he is a perfectionist (he seems to have picked up some of my very worst traits!), and if he cannot do something "correctly" or is not in the right frame of mind, he simply can't do it. This isn't always easy, but I feel that for us first moms, we have to try really hard not to let our fears take over and not to let our kids every action or lack of action dictate our moods. In other words, we need to "get a life!" LOL!! (I used to tell that to my own mom when I was my son's age when she'd be all "You NEVER call! You NEVER come OVER!!!" Now I'm getting it back).

I think it's REALLY important to remember 2 things before the whole reunion aspect. 1. She's 19 & that means communication with adults is not necessarily the forefront of her mind. College etc. etc. etc. 2. Technology changes - think how many texts & FB messages these "kids" send a day - it's MASSIVE. So I wouldn't worry at all about a comment on her pics here and there or anything else like that. This generation is so much more into the casual chat thing than ever before that it's normal to just flit in and out with comments, kwim?

I've been wondering the same things about my son. He will be 20 in September. He will wait a few weeks to a month or so to write me back when I initiate contact with him. He will apologize for the delay and say how his life is "so busy right now". I have these possibly irrational fears that he doesn't really want me in his life but he is too afraid to say that. I think he doesn't want me in his life because he is close to his mom and he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Mind you, none of this has come out of his mouth. He has said that he wants to have a relationship with me. He says that he has never felt anything negative about me. He said that he agreed with my decision to place him for adoption after I explained the circumstances surrounding his placement. He has said that he is thrilled that he now has a little brother (my son W) and he is glad that W has him since W will be my husband's and my only child. He wants to be involved in W's life so that W will not be an only child like he was. So why does it take him so long to reply to me and why do I get so upset and depressed when he doesn't write me back in a timely fashion? I wish I knew. Brown- I wish I had some sage advice for you but I'm in the same boat you are. Peachy- You gave us a lot to think about and some good advice. I'm going to try my hardest to keep all that in mind and stop freaking out.

I know it helps me to just try and think back when I was in my 20s. I was just as flaky, if not moreso. Always had good intentions, but my follow-through was not good. And I know I wasn't all that into family. It was all about my peer group. Sure, I'd talk to my mom and extended family and see her/them at holidays and such, but I rarely went out of my way or initiated that much (unless I needed something, as my mom used to point out to me). I don't know too many people who, as teens or young adults, were so good with doing anything in a timely fashion. I'll bet our kids amoms are having a lot of the same complaints: i.e. they never hear from them, they have to do all or most of the calling, they don't visit as much as they'd like, etc. I think the upset comes in when we make up stories and jump to negative conclusions. Why must there be some underlying negative issue that he REALLY doesn't want to be in touch when he has told you he does? There is not a problem with his intentions. It's the follow-through that is not there, and that comes with maturity (and sometimes it never comes with some people, especially guys - I have male cousins that I am very close with, like brothers, and they NEVER initiate or follow through. And they are in their 40s and 50s!).

Gwen, I feel the same way you do. I think it's because you and I are very new to reunion, and there hasn't been enough time to develop confidence in the relationship. I understand it's normal to be insecure, but I also have the irrational fear that DD doesn't know how to tell me she's not all that into it, and one day she'll just blurt out "OK, I'm done!" She is very close with her mom as well, and since I'm not sure her mom is all that comfortable with reunion (her own admitted irrational fears) I also worry that she'll feel torn and decide to cut off contact because of that.Also, I was in contact with her mom years before the reunion and she constantly drilled it in my head that DD was going to be easily overwhelmed by contact. That certainly doesn't help, because at times I feel like she's not responding because she's overwhelmed. Rationally speaking tho, I completely agree with you Peachy. I'm sure little one liners aren't going to send her over the edge, and I know in my mind I stress over it waaaay to much. At 19 I was all about boys, parties, etc etc. I try to remember that at 19 I was still in an OA with her mom, and I wasn't being consistant with contact myself. (it was the early years of OA and we had very loose phone contact). Admittedly a lot of that had to do with the idea of me needing to "get over it". But I lost touch with a lot of my friends easily back then because I just didn't make time to sit and write to them. Even though we have FB and text now, it still takes time to sit and actively write someone. I also agree that as the "parent", the burden is more on us to be consistant and present and keep the relationship going. I can tell DD is not really ready to instigate contact. I'm glad to see that most people don't think some kind of contact every month isn't excessive. I suppose I think of it more in terms of a ping pong game: how many times do I hit the ball over without it being returned? Does it mean she's trying to tell me she doesn't want to play? I should think of it more that I'm letting her play at her own pace, KWIM? Again, I get it rationally, but when there's such a heavy emtional investment, it's hard to be rational! (Which is why I have all of you here :) ) Shadow: I really understand what you said about keeping the families seperate. Because we are friends on FB, we have access to a lot that we and others share about our lives. Sometimes, as much as I am fine with the adoption, it does hit me when I see pics of family things and realize that I'm not "family", at least not in the traditional sense. At the same time, when I post things about my family, particularly involving my toddler, I wonder if she feels something similar. I keep things very general with her about my family, and I let her share what she feels comfortable with. Fortunately her pics are of a vacation she went on with her friends, so I don't think she will feel too weird about it! I am still friends with her mom on FB,and have commented on family pics on her page, where it seems more appropriate and DD can see what I write. It's so hard to know the boundaries, I am constantly trying to figure out what they are!

I know what you mean Brown. I don't know that this will ease your mind any, but, as adoptees, especially when we are young, we, most likely, don't even knnow what our, own, boundaries are in reunion. I know when I reunited with E, Bmom, I was clueless about all this adoption/reunion stuff. E wasn't big on "too much" contact anyway, but I don't know that I consciously thought about it as one way or the other when the contact did actually get better; more frequent. (Trying to think back here...so long ago) I think, it's like we are all saying, back then, in my early 20s, there were so many other things to think about too? I think, whatever feelings I had about the situation, I really didn't understand or know what to do with them, so, maybee, at that age, I did nothing? I possibly clung more to what was most familiar, meaning my Afam? Reaching out on occasion to E to see if it was, for lack of a better word, safe? The first 5 years of my reunion with E, well, when she talked about M and P, her raised kids, I am fairly sure I felt things; just didn't know why exactly? Not understanding, again, I think hanging on to what is most familiar, meanign Afam? At that age, I really didn't have the emotional maturity to realize those feelings were about my adoption. I didn't know about the grief, much less, what to do with, or about it. I think I looked at E knowing she was important, my Mother, but still had this huge canyon to cross, unsure about how to build the bridge....don't know if I can put it into words, what I'm trying to say. The connection between E and I was there. I just didn't know what to do about it, so I did nothing really? Does that make sense? Considering how I wigged out when I reunited with D, Bdad, at age 40, I think daily contact with E back then would have been completely overwhelming. Once a week? I don't know. What you are doing, I think would have been fine, actually comforting. E and I had so little contact before actually meeting, I was angry at her, felt rejected on a subconsciouse level, but never outwardly thought of it as rejection. consciousely, I told myself she was just really rude and inconsiderate. Isn't that interesting how we do that in reunion? After meeting, we probably talked or got together once every few months. Honestly, I never really thought about it, how I felt about her, or how she felt either. Too busy with my own life to think about it too much. It wasn't until M, P, and I, began really building our own relationships that I gave my relationship with E much thought. I think that is really when I began seeing her, and the connection, with her. She was my mom too, and that's when I think "I" really started reaching out, making a real effort at communication. It took about 5 years for us to get to that point. Reuniting with D at age 40...totally a different ball game. When I think about it, I can't decide which is better; reuniting as a young adoptee, or an older one. It's a challenge at any age. I know this, at 23ish, I wasn't even remotely as obsessive, intense, concerned, with my thoughts about reunion as I was at 40. I think you just do the best you can, follow your heart, and (I'm cringing here, cause I know what's comeing) give it time? Oh, god I hate saying that. lol

I too am a birth mom and feel your apprehension. Personally, I am terrified that after every contact, it will be the last. I have come to the conclusion that I have to take every contact as a gift. I have told my son that all contact is in his court. He is 19 now as well. He so far seems very sure of the contacts that have been made so far and tells me contstantly that he wants more interaction. He has not told his adoptive parents that we have contact. This does concern me. Our relationship was pretty open from birth to about 4, when all contact stopped. I continued to write letters to them, always updating my contact information, should they ever need it. For what ever reason. If he had questions, or if medical issues came up. They did not tell him during this time that I had been writing. However, he did come across all the letters recently, which led to the reunion. My advice is dont push, let her be the one to make contact, however, sending a PM to facebook once in ahwhile should not be considered a bad thing, unless she specifically asks you to stop. If she does not want to respond, thats her decision, but even later in life, should she decide she wants more contact, at least she will know you were always thinking of her. Hope this helps. I am no expert, I am trying to navigate through this reunion thing myself. Good Luck!

I wanted to say that you're not alone in what you've experienced with your daughter. I also have recently been reunited with my daughter (September 7, 2012) and at first we talked once a week, messaged one another on FB frequently and emailed each other. We had our face to face reunion about six weeks after initial contact. I anticipated that she and I would go off alone for a while to talk. I had my other two daughters and she had her husband with her. However, that fantasy never happened. The initial contact seemed for her at least to be more about bonding with her sisters. I totally understood and actually loved watching the three of them bond. Admittedly though, it did hurt because I desperately wanted to spend some alone time with her. Since the reunion we have talked less and less. She recently had her first child, a daughter and although we knew she was about to give birth, I only found out about my granddaughter's birth via my oldest daughter's FB page! It hurt me so much that I actually became angry with her. Confused is the best way I describe my emotions when it comes to her. I immediately unfriended her as well as her "mom", and even my oldest daughter since she should have known better. Fortunately we have reconciled on FB, both of my girls and I but she still rarely replies to my messages. I also keep my messages short and sweet now. Nobody prepares you for the "end of the honeymoon" phase you go through after the initial excitement of the reunion wears off. In all honesty, it is my opinion that her "mom" has had an influence on she and I reuniting. She seems to be very insecure about the reunion and I for one will never understand that! Is it too much to ask after we gave our child up, an incredibly painful sacrifice, for the adoptive parent(s) to allow US to develop some type of relationship? Speaking for myself, I'm not the type who would ever come between my daughter and her adoptive mom. But I would only ask that she let my daughter and I develop a relationship as an adult adoptee and birth mom.

My biggest confusion lies in how much contact is too much and how much is too little? I don't want to scare her away, yet I don't want her to feel as if I don't want contact with her. But I do agree with your comment completely. And I love your comment about treating every contact as a gift. So true!

I don't understand how the adoptive parent(s) can't see how selfish it is to try to influence a negative vibe in our new relationship with our child. The guilt that must inflict on the adoptee!