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Tonight our youngest daughter said that she wanted to live with oldest bio sister (who is in her early 20s.) When we mentioned that child services said that wasn't an option she then asked about living w/ bio grandma. Bio sister is really stable, but b/c of the nature of how the girls came to us (incidences of abuse w/ another family member) child services and foster workers have said they would not be allowed to live w/ another bio family member.
Anyways, I just feel really bad b/c I feel like we'll never be enough for our one daughter especially. TPR happened in May and I feel so bad b/c I know it's hard for her. We hadn't planned to adopt, but the situation arose and now we are the pre-adoptive family. I guess I'm just really struggling b/c it makes me angry, sad and resentful. Bio mom used to tell her things like "it will only be a couple more months" etc. when she wasn't completing her objectives. We even had a family member try to be a point person to help her so that she could complete some of the things that were needed in order to get her children back. I'm far from perfect, but that just makes me so upset. Now I feel as if I'm going to have to pick up the pieces for the next ten years or so and deal with always being the consolation prize or second choice in youngest daughter's eyes. Youngest daughter has also been crying at some points in the past couple of weeks and saying she misses bio mom a lot and is imaging she is with her.
Part of me wonders if bio sister would be able to gain custody if she really pursued it. I know what child services told us, but the option was never presented in court. Also, she had mentioned wanting to take them in at one time.
Sorry for any rambling. My mind is racing. Anyone ever felt this way b/f?
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:hippie: :coffee: Even though the sister is not able to adopt the child, can she have visitation rights? It will be a lot easier if the child is at least able to stay in contact with the sibling.
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SP05
...Anyways, I just feel really bad b/c I feel like we'll never be enough for our one daughter especially....
I cannot offer any good advice, I have those feelings sometimes too. I worked really hard on attachment activities and my daughter is very attached to me. And occaisionally she would say or do something that indicates I'm the special mom. But sometimes it is the birthmom, who was her only mom for seven years (not counting time spent in foster care or taken by the birthdad to live at the grandma's), who is the most important to her, or at any rate, that is how it feels to me.
The latest is she wants a supervised visit at the therapist's with her bmom. My jealous feelings are gratified that my daughter would only be willing to see her bmom if it was supervised.
And I know I need to be a mature person, to understand and support her feelings, not to make things about me (after all, I'm not the traumatized child taken from her parents).
It helps me be better at handling my feelings to read on these boards the posts by adoptees (especially if they love their adoptive parents too!).
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SP05
Anyways, I just feel really bad b/c I feel like we'll never be enough for our one daughter especially.
been there :grouphug:
its so hard to hear them beg for the other home.
in dd's case, she's ultimately expressing mourning for the loss of close contact with her cousins and brother. i try to let her voice this and move through the pain. then i come here to cry :hissy:
i agree with pp; ongoing visitation with siblings is super important
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When there is another family waiting in the wings, the grass always looks greener on the other side. There is always a push and pull while they are in care and after adoption if there are regular visits. Pull her close after adoption and then let her have some infrequent visits until she attaches. That is what we are doing with our dd and it seems to be working.
Sometimes they don't know or remember what life was really like living at home. They have fantasies that we have no control over. Our dd was neglected and her bmom was very permisive and let her have whatever she wanted. No rules. So it is hard to be the one to really raise her. But we love her and we are doing it, and hopefully when she grows up and can understand the whole story she will appreciate it.
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