My 24 year struggle

Yesterday I slammed the door shut. These are my birthmother's words:"I don't hate you, I just think you have issues you need to work out. I told you in my last letter, I was never suposed to know you and all I ever wanted for you was to be happy, not for me to be your mom." Continued birthmother's words:"first off I'll say that I do hope you ready all of this note. It may be wordy and long, but i've never been good at the "condensed version" of anything.... I truly don't believe I ever asked you to deal with my issues, and we all do have issues. I'm also not playing any blame game, i just stated how i felt. And anyone who puts a child up for adoption in the 60's isn't meant to ever know them or anything about them. you are the one who unfriended and blocked me. You unfriended my whole family who did nothing wrong to you, even if you think I did, it had nothing to do with them. I have a lot of different stuff going on in my life right now, and its nothing you would approve of or be in anyway ready to know about; so maybe its not the best time to reconnect. The ball has never been in my court, always in yours. You are the one who sought me out when you were 17, I welcomed you in; then a year or so later, you disappeared because you couldn't deal with Scott and his issues; a few years later you disappeared again when all the stuff was going on with your father, and when you asked me if you could have another chance (and i still remember that call verbatim), I told you of course; and then last year because you could not deal with my issue of supposedly wanting to be your mom, you disappeared. I have never wanted that, because you have a mom. She is the one who raised you, took care of you, kissed your boo-boos better and sat by your bedside when you were sick. All I did was give you life, and not in the best way - like you yourself said, you didn't like hearing you were a product of rape. I'm sorry, I'm bluntly honest so when you asked about your bio father I told you. I will never hate you, I gave birth to you, and I love you just as I always have. But I also feel there IS alot of negativity between us (on both sides), and probably always will be. You've always been just as honest in letting me know of your disapproval in the way I live/have lived my life, and that's cool... we all have opinions, but I like my life just as it is and have no reason to want to change it. I know you could never understand it because you live totally different, and have a good life for you; like I said in my return letter to you last year, for that I am very happy, but in your heart do you think any kind of relationship will ever be possible between two people who really have not much in common, but DNA?? I think the history of the last 24 years tends to lean towards not. It's not a bad thing that we have little in common, heck I share the same dna w/Joyce and even my dad says how 2 siblings could never be more different. Doesn't mean i don't love her, I just choose to accept our differences. If I didn't accept her as she is, I wouldn't have been running back and forth to SC when she tried to kill herself by walking accross the interstate a few years ago. So that being said, the ball is really in your court, honey; if you do want to write, feel free to. I'd love to hear about you and the kids. I'm hoping you don't take this as negativity or blaming because truly it is not..... it's just my opinion of our relationship. I know yours may be different, but that doesn't make either of them wrong or bad. Also early Happy Birthday!!!" This was my response:"You are right, I do see things very differently, and you are wrong, I've never been brutally honest with you. Your refusal to ever accept responsibility for your actions and your decision to play the continual victim is where you bounce the ball out of your court. It is maddening. AND FOR THE FLIPPING RECORD, YOU ARE THE ONE WHO GAVE ME AWAY. I will not listen to you dump the guilt of my struggle with this relationship on me. I rests entirely with you. You are right again, when you say the relationship is not going to work. It was retarded of me to think that time would change your perspective. This has nothing to do with me judging the way you live or not accepting our differences. Your letter is amazing.... how you can sugar coat reality. I was very stressed out when I came down to visit you last year.... I told you that prior to arriving. I was looking for a friend to help me sort it all out. That friend you always claimed to be. Instead, at 11:30 pm after a 10 hour road trip, you were immediately angry and snippy with me the moment I got out of the car. And then, I had to pull out of you why. And come to find out, all over something that you read on the internet more than 2 years earlier -- something I never intended for you to see, talking about how uncomfortable I was when you had asked to borrow money - I was writing on an adoption board to other adoptees who were struggling with their relationships too. Then, when I start to cry out of sheer frustration and exhaustion, you tell me that you think I have abandonment issues and that I need a "mommy" and you grab my head and put it into your chest, while hugging me. Very very wierd and uncomfortable.... I am 42 years old, for God sakes. But you write in your letter that you've never tried to be my Mom? I could sight example after example of the guilt and pressure on the "Mom" front. Then you offer me some of your prescription medication to help me sleep. I decline. We go to the store, we chat, we come home and you want me sleep in your bed with you. I politely decline. I then spend what is left of the morning thoroughly exhausted, uncomfortable and wondering what the heck I have gotten myself into, surrounded by the non-stop sounds of a coo coo clock, alarms and chimes beeping all around me, a cat jumping on me, an airconditioner blowing right on my head and a love seat that I barely fit on. And as I lay in the midst of all of this, I can hear you sobbing in your bedroom, obviously deliberate and done loudly enough to ensure I could hear you. I had to leave. I needed to rest. I can honestly say that I have never felt so uncomfortable in my entire life. It was outright wierd. I wandered to a hotel in a nearby town, rented a room and slept. Then, I went online to see what exactly it was you were so upset about I had written on the adoption website. This is when I learned that the administrator of the website had banned you because you were posting comments, pretending you were two different people, and talking to yourself - about me and a birthson you had made up, in an obvious sick attempt to make me feel guilty! I then removed everyone but my children from my facebook account, shut my phone off and spent the next 4 days in solitude, trying to make sense of not only you, but everything else that was going on in my life. You continually called me and left me messages all ticked off and playing the "victim" over me taking you off my fb friend list. I didn't respond, because I needed time to think. I have listened to a lot of hurtful things from you over the years. I never said anything, and always tried to see it from your view. But I just can't anymore. It's interesting that you bring up the "rape". I always wondered why you felt it necessary to tell me that I was conceived of rape? All I know is that if I had a child conceived of rape, I would NEVER tell the child this. I would be very concerned that it would hurt too much, and there would be no point in going there. Next, you remind me over and over that if abortion had been legal in 1969, you would have had one. Even if that is the truth, why tell me? What on earth were you thinking? Do you have the slightest regard for me at all? Lastly, after years of my gentle inquiry, I finally pull out of you my fathers' name. Like I had no right to know or ask -- and you tell me bits and pieces about him. So guess what? I found him, sort of. He's dead. He was not Porteguese, he was Cape Verdean - a mix of black and Portguese. This explains why your mother always worried that I was black. I have a picture of Bobby, and he was clearly an African mix. No confusing it for Portuguese. He was exactly the age the adoption papers stated and lived very close to your father's house in E.P. It would have been hard for you and your Mom to market a mixed baby conceived consensually by a 15 year old and a 23 year old in 1969, now wouldn't it? So a good story about being raped by an older Portuguese man was the perfect cover to ensure you could pass me off as a white, adoptable baby, ensuring that you and your family would not be stuck with me. Bobby did leave behind a son. I am going to meet him and we are going to do a DNA test. Then I will know for sure whether you even gave me the correct name. He also had a white mother, and he looks as white as I do. I'll never know the truth of how I came to be. You expect me to believe that you had been with other men for a number of years before I was conceived when you were 15 years old and that Bobby, who you were dating, raped you? Is it the truth? I think you've told yourself the story for so many years, that you believe it to be. Unfortunately, he will never have a chance to tell his side of the story. He will never even know that I exist. You made sure of that. You seem angry that I've chosen to remove myself from your family, as they have done nothing. But you have no problem taking an entire family away from me, with your lies. Perhaps that explains my "issues", as you call them. As you can see, I'm now finally directly dealing with them. For 24 years, I've tried and tried, to understand you. I just can't and I don't, and I think it is because you are truly mentally unstable. So when you say I don't approve of you, nothing could be further from the truth. I don't approve of the way you have treated me . When you say that I have "issues", a part of me just has to laugh. I know that I am amazingly normal, despite every obstacle that has been placed in my path. I have survived and done well. I continue to grow every day. I probably will until the day I leave this earth. A part of me believes that you were never meant to know me. For that part, I take the blame. I probably should never have gone searching 24 years ago, opening up a door that was meant to be closed. Why would I have ever wanted to understand where I come from??? I suppose only people like you have a right to understand where you come from! How horrible of me. As much as you find this hard to believe, I'm sorry to have to say all of this to you. I have bitten my tongue for 24 years. A part of me thinks that although this is raw and honest, it serves no purpose. Then, a part of me feels like you have never spared my feelings, so why should I spare yours? You have never owned any of this, and you never will. In fact, you have essentially told me you would have killed me if given the choice. I unfriended your entire family because I do not want to ever be in a position to have to tell any of them all of this. I am officially slamming the door shut, and I assure you, I will never again open it. This leaves you free to create a new delusion, and tell them how I am a stuck up snot who doesn't accept you. The rich ***** with a lot of issues. I can already hear the stories, but I just don't give a darn anymore. Your entire letter is the same old same old. Trying to rewrite history to make it appear you are a victim. Funny thing is, if you would ever just own things, rather than trying to manipulate everyone around you , you might not have 90% of the problems you have. Please do not tell me you love me, because nothing could be further from the truth. You don't even love yourself, nevermind me." ___________________________ Does anyone have any thoughts or similar experiences?