My story

Hi, Im a 24 year old from Australia. When I was 13 years old I thought I had it all. I was going out with the cutest guy in my class and was fairly popular. It turns out the guy I was going out with wasnt so great. He was 14 and want to boast to all his friends that we did it. We broke up every other week and now I am not even sure I actually even loved him. To be honest I am pretty sure I didnt. I dont know why I did the things I did (cant take them back now) The sad thing is I dont even know when my first time was. I always thought it would be as you saw on TV. I always thought I would remember the date, time, place, feelings, what i wore EVERYTHING. I remember none of it. I fell pregnant when I was 13. I think I knew I was pregnant all along but pushed it so far back in my mind it wasnt real. We were moving and I was so scared to tell my mum. I told her when I was 15 weeks pregnant. I will never in my life forget the way my mother looked at me. Not of disgust or disapointment but of pure guilt. She felt guilty for anything and everything. I dont think I will or could have a better mother. She was my best friend and I will always love her for the support she gave me. So I was 13 and pregnant. I was stuck. My mother had already planned everything so we were moving. I didnt go to school in my new town. My mum had organised for me to do home schooling. Her and her partner would take me out and about on weekends. My so called boyfriend didnt call me once. When I had told him I was going to tell my mum he begged and pleaded for me not to tell her he knew. I will always despise him for that..... I got bigger and bigger. I knew I wanted to adopt straight away. To be honest I would have had an abortion but as i was 15 weeks that was no longer a choice. I met with the adoption agency and everything was a go. I recieved counselling and support but I never really felt sad. I remember feeling relieved. So by the time my daughter was born I was 14. I remember as soon as I had he the nurse went to give her to me and i just looked away. They then gave her to my mum who was there. After a while I held her. It all seemed so surreal. I was only a child myself but I was old enough to understand that it didnt feel right. Dont get me wrong I cared for this little person but even now 10 years on I still doubt whether I 'love' her or not (as mean as that sounds) I took my daughter home for 10 days. I remember one night I sat in the hall way crying and rocking myself back and forward. After all I was a child trying to care for a child. Thats when I knew it wasnt ment to be. I took my daughter tot he adoption agency a few days later and she was put into foster care. .. And all this and I felt nothing. Not sad. Not angry. Just relief. I chose a lovely couple for my daughter.. I knew they would give her the time and care and love I could not. I have seen her once since they have had her. They are very open and often in the start wanted to try and organise meet ups... but I never wanted to. Sometimes my daughter calls me but it is never me that calls her. I have no interest and I dont know what is wrong with me. Birthmothers would love the kind of access that I have but I just dont want it. Why would I rather have none? The thing I have learnt about this whole experience is that feelings are feelings. You cant understand them, you cant tell them what to do and you cant ignore them. They are your feelings and you should trust them. I feel like way I do because it is right for me and I cant live to make others happy. Just because something is suppose to be hard doesnt mean it will be... and it certainly doesnt mean its wrong. I have come to terms with the fact that I do love my daughter but in a differant way to her "mother". After all I do not know her... she is a stranger to me. But it is my choice!