question for adoptive parents

There is not one way it's handled. The variables are staggering, so each family must navigate it in their own way and time. The best thing for you to do for yourself and for the growing relationships is to get counseling and learn tools that will help you through the feelings you are having. We are all subject to negative feelings, it's learning to cope with them and grow beyond their influence that will define our lives. My best to you.

I too am a birthmom. It is as you know the hardest decision to make and to live with. As a birthmom, you will go through a mirade of feelings. Its more at first, then they will come up sporadically. I have thought about my son every day since he was born 19 years ago. I had an open adoption. I had regular contact in the early years, then it stopped. But it went as long as the contract allowed and the adoptive parents honored that. In the last 10 months, I did have contact with the adoptive parents again. They were stand offish and to be honest, it hurt. I waited in the wings for years and years waiting until my son was of age, to be shot down by his parents telling me that they chose not to tell him I was available for contact. But I had to wait. It was their decision. They raised him because I could not. If I was able to, the decision never would have been made. Anyway, recently, and I mean within the last few days, he did contact me. He told me that they didnt tell him I was waiting all these years. But that he knew my name all this time. He chose to contact me. All these years I had jealousy and hurt towards his adoptive parents. Then I woke up one day and put myself in their shoes. It is possible that all these years, they were jealous of ME? The jealousy probably does go both ways. The best thing for you to do is seek counseling if its available, keep a journal to write down your thoughts and cherish any moment you can have with the baby. If contact continues, you are blessed. If it does stop for some reason, it does not mean that its the end. Its just "until next time". Eventually, your daughter will be an adult and it would be good for her, and her questions and feelings to know how you felt in the years to come. And time does fly, quicker than you would imagine. I wish I could tell you that there is a text book answer to your question of how often you will have contact, but there isnt unfortunately. I wish you luck in your future, from one birth mom to another.

I guess I am just confused as to where I fit in now. When I write letters, do I sign my name? or just your birthmom? Obviously, I need to seek counseling, it has only been 3 weeks.. not even, so it is fairly fresh and still very confusing. I feel as though emotions have shifted which is why I am asking adoptive parents to share how they now feel about their birthmothers if they had a good relationship with them from the start. How often do you want them around? Do you feel like it is added stress if the birthmother asks a lot of questions or things like that? I just feel like my adoptive mother has been avoiding me, but at the same time I am sure most of it is in my head. She is probably super busy and now that I have nothing to do, all I do is think about it. I know this will all take time, but I need to know from adoptive parents how feelings shift after the baby is born and how you are feeling toward the birthmother and what I can do as a birthmother to ensure the easiest transition for all of us?

If I had to theorize :) I would say that you all are in the HARDEST phase. Amom is new in her role, and becoming sure in her position as mommy to a little stranger placed in her arms and becoming her child. You are missing the baby that was exclusively yours for 9 months, and don't know where you fit in this new dynamic. My biggest advice (because this is often the stage when adoptive parents AND birth parents panic) is that you do NOT rely on them for your healing, or to be your emotional sound board. Your grief and loss can panic a new parent (sad, but true) and create fear and insecurity in them - even though that might be the LAST thing you want to do. You need to find a counselor or a friend that you can call day or night when everything is overwhelming. Stick to your contact schedule set out in the beginning, and trust that the relationship will develop over time.

Thank you for the advice and support :) I have made the mistake on relying on them to help with the healing in the first week and then I backed off because I was confused and did not know what to do. I was most confused because the adoptive mom and I have formed a really close bond and it was weird for me to realize and understand we would not be seeing each other every week and talking everyday like we have for the past nine months. I still struggle with it as she just turned 3 weeks old today, but am getting much better. I emailed her just asking where I fit in and that we need to make a schedule for seeing each other so I have something to look forward to. We left it very open ended and they said we could come see her whenever we needed to, but it is confusing for me that way and I don't want to wear out my welcome with them. I dont know how adoptive parents feel when they bring home baby so that is why I am asking for help from adoptive parents. I don't know if they typically need space or if feelings shift toward the birth parents. I just know that I feel useless at this point because before they valued me as the baby incubator and now that they have their baby it feels as if they do not need me or want me around. It is very confusing to say the least.

Sign it Mommy M( whatever your initial is), if you are comfortable with that. Tell them what you told us, it makes it confusing and you don't want to wear out your welcome. Sketch something out in writing as a minimum and move forward with what you each feel comfortable with. I still have Value for my child's birthparents, because I want him to have Value for them, always. If it has been three weeks, that is probably enough "space" IMO, ask for a short visit to see how you feel, and give you a chance to process your feelings. Talk honestly with the amom about her/their comfort level being important to you as yours is important to them. Sounds like you have the kind of relationship where this would work well. Don't back off of what you feel you need now if they are willing to make a relationship with you, it's because they want to, too. :)

I totally agree with LibbyHawkins about being honest with your baby's parents. She's given you some very sage advice. I'm sorry this is such a difficult time for you. I hope you keep posting here. We're here to help support you. :loveyou:

You are doing the right thing. You let them know how you feel. You do have value to the aparents, to yourself and the baby girl you brought into the world. I am not an adoptive parent but if I was, I would always have the utmost gratitude for the woman that brought my baby into my life. Keep doing what you are doing. Letting them know how you feel, letting them know where to find you, and letting them know if you want contact, or not. Thats really all you can do at this point. Good luck, and it does get easier.

Hi- welcome to the forums. I am a mom through adoption (and an adoptee myself.) We have what would be considered semi-open, with pictures and updates posted on a special website. Once we got home with our girls, I realized I missed their first mom tremendously, but I did not want to overstep what we agreed upon as our update process. A few months later, we both kind of suprised the other with an email and had wonderful email contact for a couple months. Then, she stopped responding to my emails and requests for how she is doing. The reason I am sharing this is to tell you that you will always have value to your daughter and her family- and your level of contact may, and probably will, change over the years. I came to really care about our girls' first mom, but have to honor that from the very beginning, she said she only wanted updates on a website. That is the extent I said I wanted, too- and I never realized how that would change for me down the road. As others have suggested, this is a new, rough and emotional time for all of you involved- share how you feel and come up with a defined idea of what you would like. Anything more than that can happen as you and the others feel like you want it to, but at least you have a defined "plan" to go from. Best of luck to you!

Welcome to the forums! :) I am an amom who would relish contact from our DD's first mom. As it stands, in 18 months we have gotten one letter, but I send pages of updates each month (and often wonder if I am overloading HER!) in hopes she )and the rest of her family) will want to be a part of Cam's life. Jensboys had GREAT advice about seeking counseling. The pain is still very raw, and both you and your DD's parents are still so new at this whole adoption world. :) I don't know what "your" amom is like, I can only relate what I felt when I got that one letter. It went through the agency first, so our SW called to give us a heads up that it was filled with a lot of emotion. She was right. I am glad for the call, but because I am very secure as Cam's mom it didn't rock my world, kwim? And, Cam was about 9 or 10 months old by then, so we had time to adjust to our role as her parents. I value and treasure the poignancy in the letter. Because of my experiences and where my head is, I was able to see how hurt N. was and how much she was still struggling with her decision. It broke my heart for her, but also for Cam. I was able to empathize with her feelings, but it did not scare me at all. In fact, and maybe because we have almost zero contact, I would take just about ANY communication at this point. :) As for how you sign your letters, that's up to you! I refer to Cam's mom as "Mama N." She signed her letter with her first name only. Perhaps at some point you will be able to sit down with your DD's mom and agree on a name...not saying you HAVE to have her input. It's just something that goes through MY mind...lol. Give yourself some TLC, and find a GOOD counselor who specializes in adoption placement. Having used counselors for almost 30 years now, and being one, you will do yourself a huge favor by calling around and getting in to see a good, qualified specialist. Take care. (hug)

I have been an adoptive mom for 7 weeks. I am exhausted. Everyone, EVERYONE wants updates/pics/is stopping by, is calling.... Everywhere I go now takes 3 times longer to get ready, going to the market is like a 3 ring cirus and EVERYONE has to stare and comment. I live in the country so everything is a bit of a drive, I usually have to pull over once to feed or change a diaper. My baby wakes up religiously every 3 hours to eat and she is pretty slow about it so feedings usually take 20 min - 1/2 hour. Thats a lot of fun at 3am... I quit answering my door, and I shut my phone off for 4 days. All of this right after the most emotional roller coaster I have EVER lived through. I love her and I wouldnt trade her for the world -but Im just saying, at this point I wouldnt take it personal... You need time to heal from this whole ordeal as do they.

EnJOY made the point I was about to make. We were so sleep deprived for the first two months...and when we were awake, we had this helpless little being who was totally dependent on us for everything! It's amazing and overwhelming at the same time. I barely had time to shower, let alone send letters. And while we had a million pictures, they were all of a sleeping baby, because let's face it, eat and sleep is all he did for a while. I say all this to reiterate, please don't take it personally. I still thought about his first mom every day and hoped she was doing okay, but all my energy went toward Peanut. We call his mom "Mama -----." she knows that's what we call her to him, but I don't know what she'll call herself (we haven't received any letters from her.) we have a private Facebook page for her and her family, and that has worked really well for us. I upload pics, videos, post updates...we got a lot of posts from her at first...fewer recently, but she always responds to what we post. We saw her for our first visit last week. We're open to more often, but we've let her take the lead here. As for asking questions, I would love that! I'm always afraid I'm not tellif her all the stuff she wants to know, so questions would help direct my posts and letters. Good luck to you.

Oh sweet girl, I feel for you. As a "waiting family" (I do not have an adopted child yet, but I do have two bios) the advice I'd give is to sign with your first name, maybe throw in a compliment about the adoptive parents, and just speak from your heart. The fact that you are asking these questions shows that you are respectful of them and just grieving. I think you will navigate this relationship beautifully. Just keep being honest! : )

This thread is from a long time ago but I thought it was a good one and I think it could help some to get the AP's perspective of the first few weeks/months. So I thought I'd share mine in a way I never have. Brings it back a bit typing it... whew.... I can tell you the first week is awful. Between the overwhelming grief I had for first Mom and the waiting for the parents to decide if the want to parent as an adoptive parent has to be the most excruciating thing I've ever experienced. Even if your adoption is super open (as was mine) preparing for a baby you know you may not ever have is emotionally trying, then you have the worrying about the childs development, ensuring that the emom has everything she needs. Then the birth comes and all that's involved with the hospital (being extremely overly cautious to not be coercive, yet be supportive, and falling in love with someone else's child talk about complicated) in our instance First Dad needed 4 days (after birth) to decided if adoption was what he truly wanted. Completely understandable but nearly unbearable. As an A/P When you've waited you're entire life to be a parent; and this amazing, selfless, courageous woman places her perfect amazing beautiful child in your arms, you take her child home and for 4 days you care for this other family's child that may or may not be your own in 6 months (if your lucky) waiting to hear if the paperwork is to be signed. I can tell you that's hard. It's something I think a lot of people don't understand and getting up for 3 a.m. feedings seeing this little angels face lit up in moonlight, snuggled happily in your arms and knowing it could be the last of 3 nights she could possibly spend with you is sooo very hard. Truly helps you to better understand a birth mothers grief. But trust when I say AP's don't get off easily either. Then you have weeks of getting bonded and yes us adoptive parents are jealous of that bond the first mothers get automatically (usually). Not jealous in a nasty way but in a man I wish it was just that easy for us kind of way. You feel like an awful parent that you don't have that instant bond. You also feel like you'll never have the bond your child does with it's first mom. For the first two months I felt like a babysitter and yes people will tell you "you need to get over that" well you don't for a long time. It's not your child biologically and as much as that connection isn't easily broken to the family of origin it isn't formed quickly either to the adoptive family. So you don't get over it easily. I'd say give them at least 3 months to get together as a family. You had 9 months to bond with that baby exclusively. Around the 10 week mark, I did lunch with my DD's 1st mom and a visit with her grandma. It was a good quick visit to get the ball rolling on visits; but I still felt like I was "stealing" her baby when we left. It took a while (nearly a year) before it felt like she was ever stealing mine :) I think being honest and talking is all you can do. I've written so many letters to our DD's 1st mother. We were so close before DD was born that honestly there's nothing we couldn't go through and not come out on the other side okay. But it's hard there's a lot of emotions in adoption on all sides. It's not a 100% fun ride for any part of the triad. But it can if done right under certain circumstances be a positive experience.

It really enrages me that there is jealousy in the first place. Do people not know how to love a child anymore without being possessive? I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds awful.