Stealing and Lying Question

Stealing and lying are the toughest behaviors for kids to let go. Its about control and safety. Until they feel safe and trusting, the behaviors will continue. That takes time. Lots of time. As far as lying - try not to give her the opportunity to lie. Don't say "Did you steal my iPod?" Instead say "I see you stole my iPod. X is the consequence." Try not to ask anything that she can lie about.Stealing - That's a big one in my house. Everytime she steals, it reinforces the fact that she needs to take care of herself. So it needs to stop. She may not be able to stop it at this point, so you have to stop it. She should not have freedom to wander the house. She hasn't earned it. She should not go into your bedroom without supervision. Again, she hasn't earned that right. I would take extra stuff out of her room so that it isn't so easy to hide the stolen things. Telling her to stop stealing will get you no where. You need to prevent it while building her trust.If she says that your other daughter is the "favorite", I would simply not engage in that. Or just say "Why do you think Suzy is allowed in my room and you are not?" She will probably say "I don't know." Simply say "Well, give it some thought." Make sure she is told upfront that it is because she steals from you. I would also try to not have the other daughter in your room talking as much. Maybe talk in the kitchen so that it isn't as apparent. These are just some thoughts that popped in my head. Being stolen from in your home is very violating.

I really like Lorraine's suggestions! With you being the Teacher of behavior (Mom) Teach her what happens when you steal:sick: The consequences you are giving out are not life changing as of now but they sure could be later. Take the time to explain to her and give her restrictions or tighter boundaries because you care. Explain to her "She is worth the time and energy to teach". You will use whatever means necessary for her to understand the differences between the right choices and the wrong ones. Take your things back and place space boundaries as you suggested in the home until she can use self control. Manipulation can be apart of these kids survival, I get that but it is our job to get them to look at a different set of tools!

I have not had to deal with teenagers yet. However, I would caution you to be careful - if we search our FKs room, the child must be present. Not sure if it is because we are with an agency, but it is something to be aware of.

Well, first thing, some of it may not be considered stealing so much as borrowing without permission. I'd put an emphasis on the need to get permission before using other people's things. I know some teen girls who live in a family that doesn't really have any boundaries in regards to other people's things. If you want to use your sisters laptop do it, and if you break it, oh well. If you can't find your sunglasses or a pair of socks, just take someone else's. It's all sort of communal property because the parents don't enforce any kind of boundaries. You need to work on making sure she understands the rules in your house, whatever they are. In our house, 90% of everything has the same rule. The first day you get it, you don't have to share. After that, it's up for grabs. But the person taking it should tell you that they're taking it, so that you know where to find it when you need it.As for entering your room, let her know that access to your room is a privilege that can be earned and lost. But I agree, if you spend lots of time talking alone with your daughter, you are showing a preference between the girls. If you have the same conversation in the kitchen, it won't look that way. Also, maybe you could keep a little log of how much time you're spending one on one with each kid to see if you really do need to fix that. You could let your girls each have one night a week that they get to stay up late with you and have "special time" with you, talking or doing something simple like playing cards or baking cookies. Not watching t.v. or doing something that requires silence.I'd also make sure you're not name calling. Words affect people powerfully. Don't say, "You're a liar. You're a thief." Kids internalize that stuff. Instead say, "Lying makes it hard to trust you, which means you're going to miss out on things I'd like to be able to do with you and allow you to do, and it's going to cost you privileges." Remember that her lying or stealing isn't a personal insult to you, it's a bad behavior that she needs to learn to correct. Depersonalize it.

I've had stealing with young kids as well as a teenager. First, I lock up: foods with sugar, money, xbox if needed. My room has a lock and all the kiddies know this. I also punish them; take away TV, games, playing. They'll try to manipulate and change the consequence but I don't let them. I tell them: if you steal and get caught outside the house, the judge won't let you pick your punishment. I do want to say my oldest has stopped as he has a phone and I take that away quick and fast!

Thanks everyone that replied, I still have not talked to her yet. You guys gave me a lot to think about. She has been here for about 5 months and it has been a long 5 months. All the drama, and to top it off about 5 weeks after she moved in we found out she was pregnant. We still don't know if we will be able to handle her as a teen mom, trying to teach her how to parent, when I can't seem to be able to teach her right from wrong, just the basics. Really hoping that Bio-mom or family will get it together soon. My 15year old is newly adopted and I really don't want to stop her private time with me. Will update when I figure this out.