missing link with a-mom

Btw I just wanted to address this again because none of us long term regulars would want to invalidate an adoptee who has no wish to find their biological parents. However, sometimes it may come across that way at times because sometimes there are those that have other reasons than lack of interest for not doing so. It can be hard to address those people without the genuinely non-interested adoptees thinking we are referring to them. To me, those who have no wish to have anything to do with their biological parents are like those who have a table with a beautiful tablecloth who have no wish to look underneath. If, like many on here, their reason is that the table with the tablecloth is good enough for them and they see no reason to take it off, then fair enough, why should they have to. The table with its tablecloth on is doing the job for THEM and it is what they feel that counts. However, there are others whose reason for not taking the tablecloth off is because they are scared of what the table will look like. Those are the ones that might need the reassurance that even if the table is not what they had hoped, then it is not the end of the world. In that subgroup can come those who denigrate the table without ever seeing it - sometimes this is out of fear or because they worry that the tablecloth might get upset if they dared say nice things about the table (OK I am finding it hard to keep a straight face typing about upset tablecloths but I digress lol). Some of us have beautiful tables with beautiful tablecloths. Others have scarred tables with beautiful tablecloths and vice versa. Many of those with scarred tables will appreciate their beautiful tablecloths more but may also have no regrets at checking out their tables. Others with both beautiful tables and tablecloths may appreciate them both. Disclaimer: I realise this analogy is not exactly "exact" and hope that no bmom or amom gets upset about being compared with a "table" or "tablecloth" lol.

I just wanted to address this. The only place I read these generalisations are when other people keep implying that we are making those generalisations. So it is quite probable that PAPs are dropping out because they are reading other people's generalisations of adoptees generalisations. Some more senior members do misinterpret what we are saying and sometimes the PAPs read those misinterpretations and think that is what we are actually saying. (I am quite sure that made no sense whatsoever lol). The PAPs that actually read the adoptee board and read what we actually say instead of what they think we are saying will probably not drop out of adoption but make them think "I must have as ethical an adoption as possible" and surely that can only be a good thing because I am sure that that is one thing that all of us on these forums agrees with, that adoption must be as ethical as possible. We may all have varying ideas of what we consider ethical but that is what makes the discussions so interesting. The problem is that the adoption industry's moral standards are often not as high as many APs and PAPs standards and I do sympathise with PAPs trying to adopt in that atmosphere.

TG adding constructively to conversations is never a bad thing. I remember reading an AP blog post about her having several close cousins who were Adoptees. When she and her husband were considering adoption they talked to her cousins and got the its all good message and they happily adopted. When she was a little less green about adoption she started thinking about how she had phrased the questions and the next time they got together she asked different questions. Those questions were open ended without her gushing about how wonderful adoption was and all the general hype. That time she got the real answers - not the surface level John Q Public answers that protect both the adoptee and how those people view the adoptees AP's...just the paradox of adoption - the good and the bad... I will always remember that post. And yes, I answer the same way as most when it is not anonymous...it protects those I care about - not only how other people may view mom and dad but also because I will always protect mom and dad from feeling bad about my feelings on the subject - they of all people do not deserve to know adoption impacted me. Other than the obvious can't miss the fact that due to no family health history I got screwed... Kind regards,Dickons

I've often thought it is how you ask the questions that counts. Also, often we are not answering the actual question being asked because we know what is really being asked (hope that makes sense lol).

Raven LOL It certainly does say a lot about where they are in their journey LOL It does get very high school here sometimes. Yawn. So it makes me remember and keep in mind some things about insecure mean girls 1. They pick on people who they think are weaker, or vunerable, to make themselves feel better, and hopefully look better, becasue the ground they are living on is very very shaky, and deep down they know it. 2. They pick on people who intimidate them, to make themselves feel better, stronger, and leave with insults instead of something useful to share, and in doing that they leave their insecurities on a plate for all to see plainly. 3. They can't be happy unless they see themselves as better than, even if they have to make that up in their heads! Fake it til you make it... after decades of watching many little mean girls get old, most don't make it to what I would call 'real' happy. 4. They don't see about themselves what we see LOL but they might if they had an honest mirror. That is the sterotype I ignore and dismiss as insignificant. It offers me nothing, pretty worthless imo. And a waste of my time in sharing my worth with them. So no need to let that type get us upset, or steal any of our energy. That's what karma is for.

Beth - you are absolutely right...karma works...what goes around comes around. I have absolute proof of that in the very best possible way...:happydance: ...not in the bite you way... D

I like your table thing! I believe I do have a beautiful sturdy table, and an equally lovely tablecloth. I typically only get my table cloth out when my aparents come for dinner, cause I know they LOVE it, especially mom. Hey, she gave me that table cloth, it means a lot to me. I protect it, keep it safe, and my table too. I don't need the table cloth to serve a lovely dinner tho, or the table for that matter. I'm a picnic/campfire cafe kind of gal, a comfy blanket suits me just fine most days.

I dont think you are either!! I do worry about the disservice it may do to. But I have found that if I hold my toungue, and only talk 'easy' eventually most will find the day when they want to hear what I may have to say. Then it is my time to try to help. If I open my mouth at the wrong time, it does no good at all, and I won't be around when the day comes that they may want/need my difficult insights. If I share when it becomes needed and wanted, it's a good thing, a very good thing. So I bite my tongue on the "negatives" and wait for when I can be helpful in that way. I think many adoptees are supportive in that way. Because we do feel a kinship with our fellow adoptees. Often I am friends with adopted families for just that reason. Just in case.

I have a good karma story Dickons :) My guys, three teenagers, only one is my son but the other two stay here more often than not, and one of them since kindergarden, anyway.... They are good kids, arg, young men. I am impressed by them daily and still in shock they aren't like most teens I have been exposed to so far LOL yet anyway, but I am thinking more and more everyday that there isn't going to be a 'yet' for them. Which is totally out of my realm of experience, and wonderful. but anyway They've been out every day since the hurricane clearing roads and yards of trees and leaves, and helping people clean up. Of course they are after money, but there's nothing wrong with that as a motivator really. They could be playing video games instead I guess. And they have made several hundred dollars each so far. woohoo! I've gotten several calls today, and visits from people. The first call started with "While we were gone, our neighbors saw your boys over here sawing and cleaning up the tree that fell in our yard, and they took our picnic table and all the wood and brush away!" So I am thinking oh great, here we go, I'm going to have to talk to my "boys" and tell them they have to have permission etc., or quit or whatever. I didn't know they were doing all that. The 'plan' was to go ask and then clear for money. Then I find out they took back split firewood and stacked it for two of the women. They were able to fix Ms L's picnic table and were on their way to take it back along with a load of firewood, and showed up in her yard while we were on the phone. They cut, split, sold, hauled and stacked firewood last year, so they do have experience at this! Said they knew the women will need the firewood soon anyway, and it was their wood anyway, and they made plenty of money, and cookies, off of them last year LOL and will probably make more this year. I thought they had a big pile growing in my field, but I found out they left even more over at Mr. P's who cuts and splits firewood for people in need, for free or for any donation for gas and chainsaw blades, etc., they helped him last year too. But all the calls and visits turned into awesome thank you's, and requests for them to stop by and pick up cash/checks, free haircuts, a flat bed trailor they can have to keep, one brought a gas gift card and one offered my son an awesome $20/hr part time job he will absolutely love. I'm so proud of them, I had no idea all that was going on. That's what good karma can do :) And here I am typically worried they are out goofing off, messing up, or planning to party with thier buds, or the girls LOL well they are planning on the party, but came back from the store with stuff to make smores LOL I'm in like big crybaby lucky Mom Heaven right now. :love:

BEth - that is the best story I have heard for a long, long time - I realized I was holding my breath while reading it. YAY FOR THE BOYS!!! YAY FOR BETH!!! They have certainly done you proud...wonderful karma story and they deserve the best home cooked dinner e.v.e.r....:happydance: :happydance: :happydance: :happydance: :happydance: :happydance: :happydance: D

back on track, I have a "you can't call your amom dumb" story too. I was about 12 and was at my cousins house. She and my mom (first cousins) are the same age, grew up together and both adopted. So I am in the laundry room with my cousin aka aunt, and was complaining about something my mom wouldn't let me do (dont' remember what it was) I wanted to hear her opinion on it, and of course expected she would agree with me since she was the 'cool" mom. I said something like, I can't beleive she won't let me, my mom is so dumb. My aunt went off on me, and said the last thing she is is dumb, she's very smart, she worked hard a pharmacy school, and you shouldn't say that about your mom, after all your so lucky, you should be grateful to have such a mom, do you have any idea what she went thru, and it went on and on like that... My first lessson to not say anything negative about my mom, especially to other amoms!

Does your aunt (I have 2nd cousins who are my "aunts" too) happen to work for a.com - does the primer for how to say things here? Does she get royalty fees...:eek: D

you nailed it for me in your last paragraph. I am comforted to know my thought are not just my own. thanks

I was taught to take what you like and leave the rest. i didn't come on here to make non-positive comments or start anything with anyone. I AM an adoptee and I have had several questions and concerns I've always wondered, all my life, since I can remember. to those who have something to add to my initial question, I welcome them, to anyone else who thinks it's all sunshine and bubblegum, ur sadly mistaken. please take what you like and leave the rest.

Yes I have noticed the lack of bond for years, but didn't know what that was till my 20's. I noticed my girlfriends and their mothers were so similar and they share a bond, that I don't have with my aMom. We are so different! I feel like something is missing, so I started the search for my bio parents. I want to discuss this lack of bond issue with my aParents, do they notice this? Is it just me, do my brothers who are adopted feel it? My aParents have no idea I am searching for my bioparents, it would crush them. I have great support from friends, colleagues and one of my adoptive brothers. Do I talk to my aParents about all of this or keep it to myself?