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Well, my friend's confidential intermediary (CI) made contact again and her birth mother did not respond. So, the CI is closing my friend's case. She got no answers. Not even medical information or non-identifying information because in Arizona a CI can't give you that.
This was her worst fear. She could have handled finding her birth mother had passed. But being rejected...again. Is there any birth mother here who can give me some idea why she doesn't want to know her? I want to tell her something comforting, like she may have a reason...
We were told that the birth mother never told her current husband, but that seems like such a small trade-off. Plus my friend told her CI she didn't need a reunion just a picture and the story.
I know I am only looking at this from one side. Please help me help her understand the other side.
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If your friend really wants to know the possible reasons why her birth mother hasn't responded in one month, she should join up here, and I'll be glad to talk to her. I no longer deal with only the friends or spouses of adoptees when it comes to search and reunion issues. A genuine interest has to come on the part of the adoptee; I apply the same policy nowadays to birth parents too. The adoptee or birth parent has to be the one to request my help in searching or in facilitating a reunion. Otherwise it's just too problematic, IMHO.
BTW, I'm quite surprised that the CI gave up after one month. It OFTEN takes several months for a birth mother who surrendered during the Baby Scoop Era to come to terms with the fact that her child wants contact. Most CI's are very aware of this fact.
Hi.
First contact was in July so it has been over three months. She can only contact her a certain number of times before having to wait a year. She is a very experienced CI who has been with the program since it started. She said she will open the case again if the birth mother contacts her in the future. I'm still hopeful that it might happen someday.
I don't know why she doesn't want to join any groups or read any books about adoption. I've been helping her through the search process since the beginning and would like to be able to say something helpful now.
I hope my message didn't offend you.
liz
Liz, you didn't offend me in the least. And thanks for letting me know that the CI tried for three months, not just one.
Search and reunion are heavy-duty events in the lives of both adoptees and birth/first mothers. They should never be taken lightly, and I always advise people to prepare themselves by reading books, joining triad support groups in real life (very, very important, IMHO), interacting on public online forums like this one with other adoptees and birth parents, and getting some counseling with a therapist who specializes in adoption-related issues if possible.
I used to help the spouses and friends of adoptees in the search and/or reunion stage, but it kind of came back to bite me in the butt this year...hence, my reason for adopting a new policy. I know it's scary for many adoptees, as well as bmoms, but it's my feeling that they need to be proactive on their own behalf.
I hope I didn't make you feel badly. If it helps any, a close family member is absolutely furious with me right now because I won't track down her boyfriend's relinquished daughter (an adult), not without his awareness and consent. She thought it would be a "swell surprise" for their upcoming anniversary. I tried explaining that people's lives are forever changed with reunion, and that should never be taken lightly.
To be honest with you, chances are pretty high that the reason your friend's birth mother didn't respond to the CI's request is because she's kept her daughter a secret all these years. Many of us from the Baby Scoop Era (1945-1973) were actually advised by adoption agency social workers to never tell our future husbands. Believe it or not, there was a method behind this madness. In cases of divorce and custody, husbands had the upper hand. If the judge was informed that his wife had given birth to a child born outside of marriage and relinquished, the courts usually awarded sole custody to the ex-husband.
Some women are able to break their years of silence and secrecy, but a lot of them are still in hiding all these years later. The women who continue to keep their grown children a secret from their spouses and loved ones are much more likely to turn down a request from a CI for contact. You never can tell, though. I've known women who changed their minds after mulling things over for a year or so...
I also didn't mean to sound like I didn't appreciate the difficulty of telling her husband. I'm sure that it would be very very hard. I'm just blessed with an exceptionally understanding husband so it is sometimes hard for me to imagine how other women might fear their husbands' responses to something so sad that they have had to carry around silently. My heart aches for her.
The husband issue may be more of a symptom of the problem than the real problem. She probably buried it all deep down and and is afraid of even thinking about it much less talking about it. I know my friend is fearful of the unknown. I think if contact happens a reunion would take a long time if they are very much alike.
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Sorry I typed that last one before I saw yours. What you said about custody makes perfect sense. Things like that are what she needs to know about why the birth mother wouldn't tell her husband. Now, how does she tell him? Maybe they were never able to have children or maybe they lost a child. All those things would make it so complicated. I guess everything happens on its own time. I just hope that they make a connection before it is too late.
The first book I recommend that your friend reads is The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler. Amazon usually carries it at a deeply discounted price. Ann Fessler, who happens to be an adoptee, did an absolutely remarkable job with this book. She interviewed hundreds of women who surrendered their babies for adoption during the Baby Scoop Era (BSE). In addition to the personal stories, Ann ties everything together in an historical and sociological perspective.
If you do get the book for your friend, be sure to read it yourself. You'll be able to find answers to many of the questions you have at the moment. :clap:
very much for the book title and for being there to help other women going through these issues.
My mom's first cousin was forced to surrender her child during the late 60s. She was devastated for a very long time and she was never able to have another child. They were reunited years ago and it was a very happy reunion for everyone. I guess it just depends how you had to cope with the pain whether or not reunion is the answer to your prayers or a land mine waiting in your path.
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Hang in there. It is definitely a waiting game.
I always wonder if the birth mothers who are contacted go online to see if their child has posted on one of these sites. If an adoptee lists their full name then the birth mother can possibly find them on facebook or another site. Then she gets to see a picture, know if the adoptee has a family, etc. Plus my friend signed a release and the CI may have answered questions about her.
Her birthmother hasn't listed her information on these sites so there is no way to find her. My friend doesn't even know if their she might have a sibling. She can't confirm that the story her father told her about her birthparents is true or false. She can't try to reach out to a birthfather because he isn't listed and can't be contacted by the CI.
All we know is that she got some great genetics to pass on to her kids! I have to believe that she'll eventually make contact.