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Hi All,
I found this website after my husband pleaded with me to seek some help or find someone who understands how I feel.
I am 9 months pregnant with my second child, his first. I had a beautiful daughter 11 years ago and I "choose" to give her up. I say "choose" because I didn't really. I was 16 about to turn 17 living at home with my very traditional - strict parents and I knew that there was no other option. I remember saying to my mum I cant keep her can I? The next thing I know I had Social Services in the hospital room sticking emergency care orders under my nose.
I didnt tell anyone that I was pregnant because I was terrfied of the consequences. I had no big sister or close friends to open up to and all I remember was my mum telling me never to bring "trouble" to her door.
I miss my daughter so much every day that it hurts. I was told during one of a hundred social services meetings that people often found that it got easier over time but it never has, nor has the guilt that has been riddled through my body got any less. I have such a massive gap in my life and although I love my husband more than life the life that we are creating together always seems to have a gap, a large hole that someone is constantly missing from - my Chloe.
Since I have been pregnant with our little boy this guilt - the guilt that I gave Chloe up but I am keeping this little boy. I know the stuff about circumstances being different I am now 11 years older but it has no significance with me.
I am frightened of not being able to bond with him and having anything wrong with my labour where they need to take him away for treatment because I think I'll panic.
I just need to know other women have felt like this with the birth of a child after an adoption... Does it ever get easier?
Victoria x
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I have never relinquished a child for adoption, but I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking about you and I hope you are able to get some comfort from other first parents here. There are women here who have been in your shoes, so you are not alone.
I too am 9 months along...feel free to PM me if you want to chit chat about the rest of your time being pregnant :)
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I have been there and the guilt that I felt was escalated when I got pregnant with my boys. Mostly my first boy. I can say that it never gets easier for the loss of your child. But it does get better with the guilt that you feel for having more children, at least it did for me. I con't speak for everyone.
I love my boys to death. I am likely a different parent than I would have been had I not placed my DD. Trust is a huge issue. Unfortunately if your DH has not been in your shoes he does not understand the pain and guilt. He just can't and sometimes that makes things even more difficult.
I hope that you get some support here. You can always PM me if you like.
Good luck with your pregnancy. ENOY it this time:)
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victoria999
Hi All,
I found this website after my husband pleaded with me to seek some help or find someone who understands how I feel.
I am 9 months pregnant with my second child, his first. I had a beautiful daughter 11 years ago and I "choose" to give her up. I say "choose" because I didn't really. I was 16 about to turn 17 living at home with my very traditional - strict parents and I knew that there was no other option. I remember saying to my mum I cant keep her can I? The next thing I know I had Social Services in the hospital room sticking emergency care orders under my nose.
I didnt tell anyone that I was pregnant because I was terrfied of the consequences. I had no big sister or close friends to open up to and all I remember was my mum telling me never to bring "trouble" to her door.
I miss my daughter so much every day that it hurts. I was told during one of a hundred social services meetings that people often found that it got easier over time but it never has, nor has the guilt that has been riddled through my body got any less. I have such a massive gap in my life and although I love my husband more than life the life that we are creating together always seems to have a gap, a large hole that someone is constantly missing from - my Chloe.
Since I have been pregnant with our little boy this guilt - the guilt that I gave Chloe up but I am keeping this little boy. I know the stuff about circumstances being different I am now 11 years older but it has no significance with me.
I am frightened of not being able to bond with him and having anything wrong with my labour where they need to take him away for treatment because I think I'll panic.
I just need to know other women have felt like this with the birth of a child after an adoption... Does it ever get easier?
Victoria x
Victoria, Yes, you found people that feel the same way you do. The pain, the regret, the grief, it's there. For me, it's been there for 27 years. I like to say that the relinquishment of my children did not ruin my life, it changed it. But you do get through. Just differently than originally planned. Does the pain ever go away, does it subside. No, but you do learn to function and continue on. There is always a dull ache. Something is missing in your heart. I personally believe that some of the pain, grief and regret actually got worse as the years passed. Because as I became older and wiser, the older me argued with the decision that the younger me made due to circumstances. I can't help with the new pregnancy thing, I am in that group of "1/3 of bmoms that never have additional children". But I do believe you can love and cherish this child with all your heart and soul. Be strong, and have comfort in the fact that no, you are not alone in your feelings.
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You are not alone! The worst thing to do is keep your pain inside! There are many books to reads (you can find a list on this site)
I have two beautiful boys with my husband and YES the first was hard! I was so afraid to loose him!
Educate yourself and stick around here and ask questions because you are not alone!
My relinquished son will be 25 next mth and this season is ruff for myself.
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victoria999
Hi All,
I found this website after my husband pleaded with me to seek some help or find someone who understands how I feel.
I am 9 months pregnant with my second child, his first. I had a beautiful daughter 11 years ago and I "choose" to give her up. I say "choose" because I didn't really. I was 16 about to turn 17 living at home with my very traditional - strict parents and I knew that there was no other option. I remember saying to my mum I cant keep her can I? The next thing I know I had Social Services in the hospital room sticking emergency care orders under my nose.
I didnt tell anyone that I was pregnant because I was terrfied of the consequences. I had no big sister or close friends to open up to and all I remember was my mum telling me never to bring "trouble" to her door.
I miss my daughter so much every day that it hurts. I was told during one of a hundred social services meetings that people often found that it got easier over time but it never has, nor has the guilt that has been riddled through my body got any less. I have such a massive gap in my life and although I love my husband more than life the life that we are creating together always seems to have a gap, a large hole that someone is constantly missing from - my Chloe.
Since I have been pregnant with our little boy this guilt - the guilt that I gave Chloe up but I am keeping this little boy. I know the stuff about circumstances being different I am now 11 years older but it has no significance with me.
I am frightened of not being able to bond with him and having anything wrong with my labour where they need to take him away for treatment because I think I'll panic.
I just need to know other women have felt like this with the birth of a child after an adoption... Does it ever get easier?
Victoria x
We are all different, although we share a lot. I was content with my decision (and it was my decision). What I experienced was the need to have a child I kept. I learned that I could have had a dozen kids and my arms would still feel empty. For me, it did get easier over the years, but there were and are still triggers. I have been in contact with my firstborn for about seven years now. I find it interesting that watching his son grow brings home what I missed with his father. I was probably far too lenient with the son I raised because of the loss of D.
I encourage you get some counseling. You need to find someone who understands adoption. (If you pm Bromanchik, she will help you find someone in your area.) Keep reading and posting here; this can be a good place to find report.
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my post. I will be seeking info on the books and I will post on here in the future.
God Bless you all,
Victoria
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