Feeling like I'm my aparent's property, not their child.

Your story is pretty much identical to my story, minus 2 factors. My mom goes on her "you are trying to replace us" rants all the time. I totally relate here!

Sounds to me like you are being the adult, not them. It sounds like you have reassured them and done your best to put them at ease, yet they are still laying a guilt trip on you. You need to do what you want to do. If I were in your situation and I decided that I would not go ahead with the reunion to please my amum, I think I would end up feeling resentment towards her for laying a guilt trip on me and that could end up destroying whatever relationship I had with her. You might be different and still have a relationship with her but in my mind, it would be a compromised relationship. So if it is a choice of doing what I wanted to do and destroying whatever relationship I had with her and caving in and stil destroying whatever relationship I had with her, then I would do what I want to do. Btw if you did go ahead and do want you want to do and your amum eventually comes around and learns to accept what was happening, you might actually find that your relationship will in fact grow into something better than it was before.

My amom (and rest of afamily) doesn't even try to be supportive. I am hers and that is it. I have learned over the past 4 years I have been in reunion that she doesn't want any part of my new family so I don't talk about it. It makes for things to be really hard on me since I can't share things about this wonderful huge part of my life. But she is old school and I don't have the energy to try and make it any different so I live with the unwritten rules of keeping this to myself, my husband and son and that is the way it has to be. I wish I had some advice for you, unfortunately all I can say is you are not alone!! Good luck!

LeeDee - the only advice I can give you is to follow your heart. The adoption relinquishment was only until the age of 18. Nowhere on the documents does it say that you are anybody's child forever. You are your own person now as an adult. As for beginning a relationship with your bfamily, I can say that mothers don't tend to react this way when their children get married and obtain a mother-in-law. Why is it OK to have a "second mother" then? Also, I read somewhere and I believe it was on adoption.com, why is it that mothers are expected to have the capacity to love multiple children, yet children are not expected to have the capacity to love multiple mothers? If you have the desire to establish a relationship with your bfamily, you are an adult, that is your decision now. If you afamily becomes hurt by that, that is their decision. Good luck, and remain strong.

Many parents... not just aparents have trouble letting go of their adult children. They try to hold them too tightly and then can't understand why they pull away. I may have been lucky because when I found my bson it was at a good point in his life. I know his mom was not really thrilled about the reunion but he simply kept throwing us together at birthday parties, holidays, etc. and eventually she realized that neither of us was trying to replace her. Good luck with all your relationships. I hope your mom can learn the love expands and there is room for many relationships in our lives.

Thanks for all your replies! My amom isn't speaking to me still. It's her loss I guess. One of the last things she said to me was "you could act like you love me a little bit." The way I see it, she's the parent that should love unconditionally. My standing up for myself shouldn't be seen as not loving her.

How about a short note telling her that she is your mom and nothing can change the love you have for her. Love is not like a pie that you cut into pieces. The more people you love the more love you have to share.

Lee, I am one of the few whose parents encouraged us to search if we wanted to and were absolutely wonderful and welcoming. I think though that I am in the minority and it is understandable that there are fears. Fear is a false expectation appearing real. Perhaps your mom could appreciate if you spelled it out to her like that. I went and searched for advice but really there is no magic wand that you can wave and have it all okay. I would suggest you write her a note like Kathy suggested. I would highlight whatever points below that make sense to you. 1. There is no possible way that meeting my birth family can wipe away the last 27 years of my life as your child. You cannot erase memories and feelings and just throw them away, we are family for life. 2. I recognise this is hard for you and will work very hard to give you the space you need to come to the conclusion that I am not abandoning you and I will still be your child* and part of this family and it will not change our relationship. If anything finding my birth family and knowing more about myself and having my questions answered should make me more aware and self-confident in all my relationships. 3. I hope that you will be able to keep the lines of communication open during this time so our relationship does not change or become stilted. 4. I will do my best to be sensitive to your concerns and will try to understand where you are coming from. 5. I hope that in time you can realize that nothing has changed and embrace the new people added to my life and perhaps even want to get to know them in time. *I don't know if you a daughter or son so am using child Lee - It's tough being in your position but you must ensure that you stay true to yourself. Caths gave good advice. Kind regards,Dickons

You are absolutely correct when you say that standing up for yourself shouldn't be seen as not loving her. I think any of us who are parents would agree that one of the things we hope to see from our grown children (adopted or bio) is the ability to stand on their own two feet and to not cave at anything that comes along. It sounds to me that she's dealing with some issues where she feels like she's "not enough" for you and is compensating by trying to control what you do with your search. Sorry, but there's probably nothing you're going to be able to say to her to get her past this. It's more something she'll have to work through in time. There must be resources for a-parents who are going through these types of feelings? Of course, she would have to admit she's having them and that would mean that she's having the problems, instead of you. One last thought...and I'm going to say this very poorly. I can't come up with better wording, but when you say she told you that you could act like you love her a little bit, how do you think she'd react if you told her she was partly right? By following your heart and reaching out and contacting your b-mom it's not that you are trying to replace any part of your life with your a-parents. Instead you are trying to fill in your own spaces of who you are, learn more about yourself, and to complement the wonderful gifts your a-parents have given you. By being more "complete" in that way wouldn't someone be better able to communicate love? I told you I'd word it very poorly but I hope you get my drift. Having a relationship with your b-mom isn't going to make you someone your a-mom suddenly doesn't know. I hope it all works out for you. Best, PADJ

That is awful and unacceptable. Yes, you have it correct. She's the one that could act like she loves YOU just a little bit. The not speaking thing is totally unacceptable behavior that I personally would have a major problem with.

Personally, I think you should just come out and ask her what is the problem actually is. I've found that often when an AP just can't accept their child's reunion, it is because deep down they feel that the bmother "has a cheek" in coming back into their child's life, eg "I've done all the hard yards and now this woman thinks she can waltz back into our lives and take all the glory". Hopefully, that is not how she feels but, if it is, you could give her some reading matter eg "the girls who went away". One thing also that our mums may find hard, sort of related to my first paragraph, is that when their child is very much like their bmother in looks, personality, mannerisms etc, they can sometimes wonder what effect their nurturing actually had on their child - it might be harder for older mums especially because they were told we were blank slates. So that can make them feel a bit insecure. On another note, even though my mum is OK about my meeting family, I don't talk about them all the time to her, I usually wait until she asks me about them, i.e. I don't rub her face in it.