Advertisements
I didn't find out i am adopted until I was 36, and i started a search for my birthmum as soon as i could, through birthlink, scotland. They found my birthmum, and got a standard letter to her that they had on file, written by me in the event of finding a relative. She died the day after, she had been terminally ill.
I have a grief inside me that I can't understand. it is so deep, it goes to my core. My therapist recently introduced me to a bok called "the primal wound" which helps me to understand a bit that my grief for a woman i nevr knew is possible also connected to the trauma of my six day old self being taken from my birthmum, it is a grief that has been part of me since possibly my first emotional memory, hardwired, abandonment is not the right word, she did not abandon me, but fear, deep, paralysing, soul-freezing fear, and grief, confusion, loss, craving a comfort that will never appear... strange emotions to carry around unresolved at the age of 42.
I will never know my birthfather, no-one knows who he is apart from my mother, and she is dead. Somewhere in berwick upon tweed in 1968 there was a guy with curly hair and blue eyes (that's all i know about him) who is my father... strangely I feel the loss of him too.
my question is, has anyone come across a way of dealing with this grief, of healing it? i am really interested in any replies.
Like
Share
((((Azurwolf)))). I'm so sorry to hear about your bmother, especially with her passing away just after reading your letter. I know this won't be much help but I would like to think that your letter would have helped give her peace at her time of passing.
My bmother passed away long before I ever met her (she had a heart attack before she turned 40) and I really do feel a grief for her. When I first found out she had already passed away, I did feel sadness but it was when I met my brelatives (uncles and cousins) that it has really hit me, which really surprised me. I will say that getting to know all my relatives has helped though I suspect that I will always feel sadness about my bmother for many reasons (not all related to me not meeting her, I also feel sad about her youngness as well and other reasons as well).
So welcome to the forums azurwolf. You are not alone and your feelings are perfectly normal. Also reading your words makes me feel "normal" too because I know that I am not alone :)
Advertisements
So sorry about your birth num. I found out my birth mums address in April only to find out that she had died in March. It is a very emotional rollercoaster and I can relate to all your feelings, most days I just feel like whole world has been torn apart. I just try to take each day as it comes, try to keep busy and keep a good network of support around me. I am still awaiting for a reply from my half sister who is still trying to cope with her mums death and also that I have turned up out of the blue (she never knew I existed). I have found myself bottling things up the last few weeks, so I think some form of counselling maybe a good idea for me too.
As Caths1964 says you are not alone and we are all here to help you through this. xx
Hey Azurwolf just read your post and felt I had to reply despite the time since someone commented on this thread.
I was so sorry to hear about your loss of your bmum - the grief you are feeling is horrible and will take time to gradually heal.
I was adopted at 8 and my bmum died when I was 12. It was one of the most poignant moments of my life hearing my adoptive parents tell me of her death - we cried together and the pain was so confusing. Having been fostered from 2 I had never known my bmum so I was grieving for a person I have no memory of. The death was also violent which made my nightmares horrific - prostitute bmum had been kicked to death by her boyfriend after a drunken night celebrating their engagement.
I think the pain is 2-fold - you grieve for your bparents just been adopted with all of the issues which that entails in terms of abandonment and rejection - and then to lose a bparent through death is like feeling the pain all over again with more permanence this time. Like you even at 12 I had dreamt of the perfect reunion with bmum and that it all snatched away with a passing - it is gone and you feel such regret.
You also feel guilt and such pain on their behalf which I could never understand - she was the mum and I am the child but somehow responsibility came on my shoulders (however narcisstic this is they are the thoughts that enter your head).
About 5 years ago I did contact with bfamily and have had a successful reunion with aunty and granddad on bdads side but never worked out with bmum's family. Think there was too much resentment /pain etc to work through. I do agree with caths1964 that the successful relationship with bfamily have been worthwhile and has provided me with a sense of self which was prior missing.
Nothing replaces the hole though and it will be there the rest of our lives - it just becomes part of you and like anything time saws away the sharp edges..
Take care hun and all the best to you - we are not alone as these forums show and talking does make it easier xx
Youth means [url=http://www.laasianescort.com]Los Angeles Escort[/url] a tempera-mental [url=http://www.laasianescort.com]Los Angeles Escorts[/url] predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over [url=http://www.laasianescort.com]Los Angeles Asian Escort[/url] the love of ease. This often exists in a man of 60 more [url=http://www.laasianescort.com]Los Angeles Asian Escorts
[/url] than a boy of 20. Nobody grows old merely by a number of years.