My story

I am 31 years old and have five beautiful children. I am parenting my oldest three ages 12, 8 and 2. My youngest two are 1 and 3 wks and were both adopted at birth. My kids father and I have been together almost 10 years (my oldest is from a previous relationship but has been raised by him as well) He is a great father but we just werent good together in a relationship. We argued all the time and were verbally abusive towards each other. When I was pregnant with my 2 y/o, we broke up and he moved out. I was doing fine until I had the baby and also found out he was living with someone else. I was severly depressed and did some very destructive things that wound me up in a mental facility. My parents ended up taking custody of my 3 kids so I could focus on getting better. I spent four months in the center and ended up losing eveything. My beautiful home, my car, my business and all my belongings and of course my kids. When I got out, I had no where to go and ended up moving in with my kids father. We were both working our butts off trying to get our lives back together so we could get the kids back. I ended up getting pregnant again. We didnt really talk about it much and I just kept getting further and further along. We found out he was a boy, and deep down I was so excited because I always wanted a son. But my head was telling me there is no way I could give him the life he deserved. We made the very painful descision to place him up for adoption. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. The adoptive parents didnt get the hospital until the day after he was born, so I got to spend some time alone with him. I will never forget those last few moments we spent together. Just 4 months after my son was born, I found out I was pregnant again. I was heartbroken. My relationship with the father was on the rocks again and I was back into my state of depression. I ended up moving out and getting ready to try and get my kids back. I was on my own and struggling more than ever so I ended up contacting the agency again to see if my sons parents were interested in adopting my daughter. Unfortunately they didnt want any more children and I had to find another family. My fourth baby girl was born three weeks ago today and my son will be a year old in just three days. I miss them so much. I never in a million years thought I would ever go thru this. It hurts so bad and I pray everday that I made the right decision. I hope they can forgive me someday.