Bio Mom wants to come visit?!? Help?

I would not allow her to come. I would not think that seeing her at this point would be beneficial at all to M. I would explain that at this point, with the transition being so new and with the progress that M is making it would be best to not have her visit currently. You may hurt feelings but if there will not be any benefit to her being there for M I would not allow it at this point. Just my opinion.

That has to be a really tough situation for all of you. And I would probably start my response to bmom with something similar. He's in a new place and for her to come back into the picture right now may be detrimental to his progress. Should she be allowed to come back into the picture so quickly may cause him to regress in his behaviors, or worse, cause his recovery to cease. She may have agreed to this thinking she could just waltz right back into his life as if CPS were never involved and/or there was never a reason for CPS to remove him. What are your intentions with this child? Is he going to be adopted by you and your husband (most likely since this is an adoption forum), or, is the goal reunification. From prior posts, bmom's rights were not terminated and you are inquiring about SSI/DNA issues with the bfather. Is this a custody only situation?

where she stays SHOULD have been in the OA. your lawyer clearly was not used to relative placements. its not about protecting your "rights" so much as defining clear boundaries so you don't have to continually face these annoyances i would write up a formal list of your commitments, boundaries, and limitations. I totally get how these questions can be annoying. I was griping like the best of them shortly after we finalized. Looking back, there's no way she would have known what the limits are until she asked. My frustration was more at my discomfort in defining and enforcing our boundaries. On a good note: once you clarify the rules, it gets much better hang in there

Thanks Ladies. @LoveMyGirl: I'm not sure if you were able to read the post about paternity/SSI, but I was strictly asking for future financial reasons. His biofather is deceased and I wanted to prove paternity so he could get additional SSI. No one really advised us on what was best adoption or keeping the super strict 3rd party order we have in place.My goal was just getting him here to get his autism behavior services started as soon as possible. My husband and I are both in agreement that we are in this for the long haul. Mom just wouldn't give up her rights, and time was of the essence.The order says she has to do 6 mos of residential rehab plus 6 mos of random UAs to even get back to court to ask for UNsupervised visits. She is out of state, and broke, so I didn't think the visit thing was going to be an issue. :( I did ask our atty to put it in the order, but she said it's very uncustomary. Urgh I should have followed my instinct!!

Yes, keep her far away, for a dozen practical reasons. Say whatever you need to say to prevent it. "Oh, gosh, it's so sweet of you to ask, how were you going to get here?" "Oh, it's so sweet of you to ask, but I feel it's a little bit soon. Please check back with me next month." (Next month you say exactly the same thing.)"Oh, I'm so sorry, our house will be full then."Remember, this person's life is likely chaos from morning to night, daily, and likely has been that way for years. If she's addicted, there's a constant swirl of different people, "friends" today, gone tomorrow. Constant swirl of different places to be. And not much rational connection between them. So you don't really don't have to make sense in the same way as you might when dealing with someone else. Often one *can* say No, and have the person just accept that, and then move on to something else, in a different way than if the person was clean/sober/ on track. (If that were true, you wouldn't have the child....) She lives in a different culture, than you do. She may not be able to remember what happened 3 days ago. Think of it as an early-onset dementia person.(My ex-husband's ex-wife, mother of my stepson, was mentally ill. I learned through that shared-custody experience the "doesn't have to make sense" method of communicating. She had a very short attention span. In my experience, willing to threaten nasty things in the moment, but then would forget about them and not follow through. That no-follow-through was key. She would frighten the teachers and counselors with threats -- they didn't know they were hollow threats.)On visitation you can also say, "Oh, where would you like to meet?" I would advise *never* having her to your home, if she does manage to get to town, so your home is *always* a bio-mom-trauma-free zone for this little person. You can also say, "Well, we have a free hour that day." If you stick to your guns, she will yield, I believe, easier than you fear at this time.

i always put it on the judge or supervisor..... Bm wanted to have extra visits ont eh side... i said I would be fine with it but had to check with the CW... Usually the CW said No and would let the bm know.

i always put it on the judge or supervisor..... birthmom wanted to have extra visits ont eh side... i said I would be fine with it but had to check with the CW... Usually the CW said No and would let the birthmom know.

arubagirl, that's a very smart approach! And for this poster, you could also ask a counselor, who'd be very likely to say "Not yet" or "No." The point, in my opinion, is to keep the child safe, which means giving him respite from people who've been inappropriate or abusive with him.