Half Siblings not being told.

May have posted this to soon. Having read more threads in the forums I see its more common than I would have thought. I do not understand trying to live a lie by maintaining a relationship but denying it to the rest of the world. I think if this continues with me I will cut my relationship and go back to being who I was.

Tonyearl, In some ways your posts sound very similar to mind, and I did have a few thoughts to pass along for whatever they may be worth. I'm 2 years into the reunion process so am a little farther down the road than your 9 months. In my case I have two half brothers and it took probably 20 of those 24 months for both my half brothers to be told about me. I never did really push anything with my b-mom, but I did keep asking if she'd told them yet. She kept waiting to find the "right way and right time" to do so. I don't know what that meant, but she finally did break the news. But for at least a good year and a half I was stuck with the feeling of being the family "dirty little secret." And it got really old really quickly. Your b-father sounds like my b-mom...lots of talk and then not many results. Maybe they get lost in the moment of talking to us for the first time ever, and then the reality sets in of having to tell others about us. Something I learned is that it's important to recognize some of the differences between how an adoptee views reunion versus how a b-parent views it. For example, we tend to look at it as finding our birth parent and famly and establishing a relationship with them from that point on. A b-parent has that, plus they can also have the family dynamics of needing to explain the facts of our existence (including that we are and how we are) to other family members. Sometimes that added level can entail some very uncomfortable discussions and different people deal with that differently. Have you asked him what the delay is in telling your half-sibs about you? Maybe there's a legitimate reason for it, although I don't know what it would be. But if you can get him to tell you why he hasn't said anything about you yet, then you have concrete information to base your next steps on and maybe try to suggest ways to help. I believe that you have the right to ask questions like this, especially if it's phrased in the way of "what can I do to help?" I don't think that "pushing" is very helpful, but I don't think asking these types of questions is "pushing" either. And it gets the point across that you're interested in moving things along without blatantly saying that. I can be sneaky... :D Has not said he wont do it either but it has been 9 months. Is that normal? Is there a normal? - from everything I've ever read and heard, there's no such thing as a "normal" timeline since people react differently. Sorry, but I would have to say no. "I think if this continues with me I will cut my relationship and go back to being who I was. - you are obviously free to do as you choose, but I would suggest that you don't cut ties. Going back may seem like the right thing to do because it's familiar and had you more in control. However, the reunion process is in many ways finding out more about who we are, where we came from and perhaps why we are as we are. I think there's probably more to gain by staying with the relationship and trying to move it along than by going back to being who you "were"...especially since part of who you were is your b-parents doing. :woohoo: I hope this helps a little bit, and sorry it's so long! Best, PADJ

Although my son's birth/first father told his wife that we had had a baby together shortly before they met, he declined to tell her when we reunited after DS turned 18. When he finally agreed to meet our son a year or so later, he never told his wife or any of their children...mainly because he was positive that she would divorce him and take the kids. I guess she had threatened him with divorce over the years any time he tried to bring the subject up. His bdad's secrecy hurt our son terribly, although he tried his best not to show it. The tragic thing is that his father was killed shortly afterwards, so they were never able to resolve things between them. I hope your bdad steps up to the plate soon and lets his "secret" out of the bag. Secrets are never good, IMHO. They tend to hurt people's feelings tremendously, and they DO have a way of coming out into the open when people least expect it.

It is interesting to see all the different responses and reactions in each story. I just "confirmed" my birth mother after a 4 month process of active search, which was 53 years in the making. I wrote her a letter making sure to take care that if anyone other than she read it would dismiss it as a distant relative trying to make contact for geneaology purposes and not a birth child. I did not want to cause her any unecessary grief if she had not in fact, told anyone about me. Her world was rocked when she read my letter and despite herelf she wrote to me within 2 days of receiving my letter. She has never told anyone in her immediate family about me. Like I thought, she is afraid to. I can understand this and for some reason this does not bother me. She asked me for patience and in her words "fervently hoped I would not take this as rejection" but she is unable to cope right now. She hopes someday she can summon the courage to tell them. My heart goes out to her. I never expected to ever search for her really. The information just came to me literally by email one day 4 months ago. I am a dectective by nature and upon an intensive search process I found out a whole lot about her (the internet is amazing), including recent photos of her. After seeing the photos and noting I am the spitting image of her I was satisfied. I did come from somewhere and I have a genetic background but this is not who raised me. Although my relationship with my adoptive mother was not a good one, she was my parent. I don't need to have a relationship with my birth mom but I would like one. A friendship, she seems like a neat lady but as time goes by I find I am not hurt because of her silence its like she said, "she needs time." Even though I may never talk or hear from her again I am at peace. I may never meet my 3 half siblings and that is okay too. If they resent me then I face no drama. If she never tells them then no one is hurt. If they want to meet me then she knows where I am and how to contact me. I guess I am a bit surprized by my response to her letter but I am lucky that it has affected me like this. I really tried to emotionally cover my bases prior to lauching this letter if contact. At 53 years old I knew better than to have any expectations of the outcome. Hoping is different, I like to always have hope. I am not hurt by hope if I don't have the expectations. So in closing I would like to say, God bless each and everyone of you. May you soon find peace within yourself and may your hurting comes to resolution. All the best, G