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My stepson came into our lives less than a year ago. He is almost 8 years old and I am planning on adopting him eventually.
My husband of six years did not know that this child existed untill his mother died last year.
They had a very brief fling before he moved country and they lost contact. If he had known, ss would have been very much in our lives from day one.
She had no close relatives and of course we were eager to bring this little boy home asap, he basically had nowhere to go.
He is home now 6 months and I just can't seem to really bond with him, I feel like a horrible person.
Hes really a great kid, he is very clever, in the gifted programme at school, he is very well behaved, polite and generally lovable, yet it still feels to me like hes a child who is just visating and has overstayed his welcome.
I do like him and I feel sorry for him, he lost his mother and she was his world. Then he had to move country to live with basic strangers.
I think part of the problem is that he is so very self sufficient, he doesn't need help with homework, he gets himself up showered and dressed, fixes himself a sandwich, reads himself to sleep etc.
I don't know how to "mother" him. I try but I feel like I'm just going through the motions and that it must be obvious to him that I'm not bonded. I feel like I freeze up when it comes to being affectionate towards him. I have to force myself.
He doesn't seek affection from me but does with his dad. Maybe because he can sense the fakeness plus he does not want to be disloyal to his mother who he loved very much.
He even smells different from my other children.
My husband bonded with him instantly, he is crazy about him and it shows.
I have 3 other kids, one from a previous relationship ds9 and two with my husband dd4 and dd2.
My husband is very much my sons father in every way and adopted him a year after we married. They are so well bonded dispite not being biologically related. Why can't I feel the same way about my husbands child?
What can I do I'm at a loss.
Will I always feel like this? Its been 6 months.
Hes really a great kid and I just feel its so unfair on him.
Help?
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Six months is a drop in the bucket of a lifetime :) I PROMISE.
One of the best pieces of advice my VERY wise social worker gave me when I was adopting a sibling group of older kids was that feelings (true love) takes TIME and that my job as the adult was to "fake it until I made it". And that's what I did -- I ACTED loving, and affectionate towards these little strangers whom I loved the idea of but hardly knew at all. AND as I acted loving, and got to know them more and more and more I DID truly bond, attach and fall in love with the REALITY of them. But it DOES take time. Heck, even bio moms get 9 months to fall in love with their babies before they are born :)
Also, you are in a different situation in that you are really the "replacement" mom for a mother that passed away -- there are probably all sorts of grief, anger, attachments issues for your s-son as well. Maybe you can working on finding your own thing that is just for the two of you. Work on a life book of pictures of his mom? Scrap book together? Have her friends and family write him letters about stories of her to put in a book for him - and help him compile them?
I think if you can continue to forgive yourself, and give yourself time - and ACT how you wish you felt ... it WILL come. It really, really will.
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One of the best pieces of advice my VERY wise social worker gave me when I was adopting a sibling group of older kids was that feelings (true love) takes TIME and that my job as the adult was to "fake it until I made it". And that's what I did -- I ACTED loving, and affectionate towards these little strangers whom I loved the idea of but hardly knew at all. AND as I acted loving, and got to know them more and more and more I DID truly bond, attach and fall in love with the REALITY of them. But it DOES take time. Heck, even bio moms get 9 months to fall in love with their babies before they are born :)
Wish someone would have told me that my first summer with my son. It takes a lot more time than you can ever imagine. I remember feeling the same way for almost a year with my son. I couldn't tell anyone. Every once in a while I could see that my husband felt the same. (I remember thinking that I would die for my daughter but wasn't sure I would for him and leave my daughter without a mother.) The feelings came and went and then 9 months in we were told that our son was going to go back home. We cried all night and then found a few days later that he was ours for good. That is when I felt the change. I think that we guarded our hearts without knowing it and though we were falling in love with him, his special needs made it a lot harder to deal with. (Now I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would give every ounce of my being for him) It just takes time.
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Jensboys
Six months is a drop in the bucket of a lifetime :) I PROMISE.
One of the best pieces of advice my VERY wise social worker gave me when I was adopting a sibling group of older kids was that feelings (true love) takes TIME and that my job as the adult was to "fake it until I made it". And that's what I did -- I ACTED loving, and affectionate towards these little strangers whom I loved the idea of but hardly knew at all. AND as I acted loving, and got to know them more and more and more I DID truly bond, attach and fall in love with the REALITY of them. But it DOES take time. Heck, even bio moms get 9 months to fall in love with their babies before they are born :)
I think if you can continue to forgive yourself, and give yourself time - and ACT how you wish you felt ... it WILL come. It really, really will.
Wish someone would have told me that my first summer with my son. It takes a lot more time than you can ever imagine. I remember feeling the same way for almost a year with my son. I couldn't tell anyone. Every once in a while I could see that my husband felt the same. (I remember thinking that I would die for my daughter but wasn't sure I would for him and leave my daughter without a mother.) The feelings came and went and then 9 months in we were told that our son was going to go back home. We cried all night and then found a few days later that he was ours for good. That is when I felt the change. I think that we guarded our hearts without knowing it and though we were falling in love with him, his special needs made it a lot harder to deal with. (Now I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would give every ounce of my being for him) It just takes time.
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