Question for Birthmoms everywhere...

Well...I already told you what I would say to the negative people.Generally, I would tell APs that no matter what, most birthparents will always love and miss their child. There truly is something between bmother and child that doesn't go away and it hurts. I would like them to understand that. Perhaps the aparents lost a child to miscarriage or an adoption fell through, so maybe they can empathize with us and our loss. Please put yourself in our shoes. I mean, how would you feel if, as parents, you had to give your adopted child away? So, please try to understand how hard it was for us and show us some respect. Finally, in open or closed adoptions, my advice to FAPs is to be honest; don't make promises to us you can't or aren't willing to keep; and don't make it seem like an annoyance or obligation to send and receive communication. For FAPs, just consider it part of the adoption process. It's part of the deal.My DS's aparents didn't make me feel that way. That's just my observation of some.

I think this is a great idea for a book!Please feel free to take anything you'd like from my blog (my thoughts as a birth mom)[url=http://ariannamadelyn.blogspot.com]Between Mother and Mommy[/url] :)

Here is part of one of my posts that I think gives the most insight into how I feel on a daily basis.I thought this may be easier than you trudging through the whole blog!! "People sometimes ask me if I am happy with the way things are. My daughter is safe, loved, and will want for nothing (except maybe answers when she is older). How could I not be happy about that? If I think only of her, I am so happy I can't even tell you. On the flip side, when I think only about myself, and how my child is not in my arms, there's no carseat in my car, I don't get to take her to dance... no, that doesn't make me happy. It's hard to answer that. I might not be a mommy that buys her diapers, takes her to the playground or goes to parent-teacher conferences, but the aspect of motherhood that implies that you put your child first, above all else, still thrives in me. That's why I say I'm happy when people ask, because I'm happy for her. In a perfect world, would I wish she were here with me? Of course. Had my circumstances been different, she'd be in her crib in my house right now. But they weren't. And it wasn't just one thing - it wasn't just money, it wasn't just who her father was, it wasn't just my schooling, it was all of those rolled into one, and then some. I know deep down that she is where she should be, I just don't think I'm where I should be yet."

I do believe that is the most beautiful thing I've heard! I can't wait to read your blog! Thank you!

This made me cry, it's how I have been feeling but I haven't been able to put into words. :thanks:

I will also send you a pm but I will also give comments here. If you were to be able to speak to the world, what would you want people to know? - I would want to tell the world that not all adopts are in the best interest of the child. That coercion still happens. Mothers who surrender usually do so because they want their child to have a better, feel there is no other option, they don't have support. If you have no contact, what would you want to say to your child? To his/her parents? - I have had contact so they do know the truth of why my child was adopted. His adoptive parents found it hard to deal so would change the subject when they got responses that were uncomfortable for them such as telling them that I thought about my son every day. What would you say to other women considering an adoption plan for their child? - To think carefully about all their options, research for support and help they can get, not to agree to pre birth matching and not to make a final decision about adoption until after the baby is born. Forgot to add that they should only surrender if they are 100% certain. And lastly, what would you say to potential adoptive parents? - To just be consideratetowards the mother and if they promise a semi open or open adoption to keep to the agreement.

I will attempt to answer your questions, although as a birth mom from the "silent" era, I'm not sure my experiences are relevant for today. I would remind you that 1: experiences are individual, and that 2: people tend to generalize from their own experiences. (Our child's bmom has a drug problem, therefore all bmoms are drug addicts. On that note, I have never taken an illegal drug, nor have I ever abused a legal one... including alcohol. I'm not saying I'm perfect, just that my sins and failings are elsewhere!) The decision to relinquish is a personal one and is unique to that individual (or couple). There are many similar reasons, lack of resources (or perceived lack of resources) being one example. Some women felt coerced, others did not. Some were raped and feel they can't parent the child, but not every woman who places was raped and not every pregnant rape victim places the child.Before I had contact I would have wanted them all to know that I have always loved him, that I had wanted him to have parents who planned and wanted to be parents when he was born.This will be with you for the rest of your life. Carefully consider all your options. Get unbiased counseling, if you can. Make your own decision. Be as ethical as possible. Do not say what you think the emom wants to hear so she'll choose you, if it's not what you really plan to do. Remember the emom will be emotional and probably up and down in mood. Adoption when you attempt to maintain a relationship with the birth family is hard work. Only you can determine what is the best for your child. I was blessed by the parents of my birth son, they knew little about me, but they shared what they knew and were not negative in their attitude toward me.

Kakuehl, thank you for your honesty. One thing I am learning (and that I want to pass on in the book) is that while the fears and mistrust are real to a potential adoptive parent, the same mistrust and fears are present in the birthmom. And many more! I am currently dealing with an adoption where the bfamily broke their promises and have not lived up to their end of the deal and I am hurt, angry and a little confused. I'm so happy that I can pass on the REAL emotions and comments from birthparents instead of the hollywood crap! Once I finish the chapter on Birthfamilies, I would like to post it to get the opinions of you guys. Thanks for responding!

Be sure to copyright your manuscript before posting it online anywhere. You don't even have to go through the formal copyright processyou can simply print the manuscipt out, place it into an envelope, and mail it to yourself through the U.S. Postal Service. The postdate mark will hold up in a court of law as proof that it's your own intellectual property.

I gave a baby up for adoption 2 months ago so I'm still trying to figure out the emotions of being a birthmom. If you were to be able to speak to the world, what would you want people to know? I would want to tell the world that I made the decision that I felt will benefit my daughter & myself the most in our futures. It wasn't an easy decision, and I'm sure there will be days that I question whether I did the right thing but I know my daughter will have an amazing family, with a mother & father who will cherish her. I could have been a good mom but I felt it was better to give her a family who wanted to be a family & not just a mom who would be there because she had to. If you have no contact, what would you want to say to your child? To his/her parents? To my daughter - that I loved her too much to not give her the most amazing opportunities in life. To her parents - thank you for giving me the blessing of knowing my baby will have an amazing family who loves her & will do anything for her. What would you say to other women considering an adoption plan for their child? It isn't an easy decision, there is no right or wrong answer. And lastly, what would you say to potential adoptive parents? This is probably one of the most difficult, stressful, emotional times your baby's birth mother will ever go through, and at the end of the day you both have the same goal - the best possible situation for the baby. If your adoption works out, there will always be someone else out there who loves your baby as much as you do and is including her/him in their thoughts & prayers.

Today I have been working on my book. This chapter is especially hard for me (the birthparent chapter) and I want to thank all of the birthparents who have chimed in and given me your viewpoints. I am learning so much and can't wait for you all to see the results!

Eagerly awaiting to see how you get on with the chapter. It's nice to know you have taken the time to get information from our experiences :thankyou:

please send me a pm or post here how you want your name with your quotes. If you don't want to be named, let me know that, too. Thank you again for your answers! You guys are amazing!

We don't, of course, know who you will use, but you have my permission to use my name: Kathy Kuehl (by the way, I know of at least 3 other Kathy Kuehl's so if you want more precise identification pm me.)

I've sent you a pm :flower: