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My husband and I have been interested in adoption for a number of years- we are both only in our mid-twenties and have no reason to believe we can't have biological children. We were interested in adopting a sibling set of three girls (who I knew through work, I am a social worker), but then their grandparents came from out of the blue and adopted them (which we were VERY excited about- that was a great ending for them). However, we decided to continue to pursue sibling groups. Our hope is to adopt a sibling set between the ages of 8 and 12, and in a few years have a baby.
We live in Florida and decided to look for children anywhere in the US, since sibling sets seem to be adopted quite quickly in Florida. We were matched with a beautiful boy and girl (ages 11 and 10) in California- who seem to be absolutely perfect for us- they are even being fostered with two infants, and are very comfrtable with babies- they also share many of our interests. We have been doing our best not to tell our friends and family (who know we are looking to adopt older siblings, and are very supportive). We felt like we had to go tell everyone we had a "miscarriage" when our adoption with the girls fell throough, especially since our family (despite our encouragement not to) bought items for the girls. We are planning on making the big announcement after we meet our new son and daughter :love: for the first time this week.
The "plan" is for us to fly out to California to do a few day visits with the kids, then later fly out again for the kids to stay with us for a few days in the hotel as "overnight visits". We are hoping, as is their case manager, that they can fly home with us on the second visit. The kids were told about us last week and were reportedly very excited to meet us. We are flying out to California this Thursday, and will meet them on Friday and then (depending on how comfortable the kids are with us) spend both Saturday and Sunday with them.
My husband and I made a scrapbook of our home, pets, family, and church to share with the kids.
We were debating bringing gifts for them, but decided we may rather take them shopping for them to pick out a gift themselves. We bought "get-to-know-you" style games for us to play with them. I've been reading adoption books like crazy- "Our Own- Adopting and Parenting the Older Child" was excellent, and I'm now reading "Attaching in Adoption".
So many questions are running through my mind like: Will they be comfortable with me giving them a hug when we meet? When can I tell them I love them? What will they be comfortable calling us? Will they let me hold their hand? And of course all the questions about what they like to do, wear, music, foods, etc. Should we bring the video camera- or allow the experience to be intimate? I suppose I should just play everything by ear and respond to the kids' comfort levels... But I LOVE to plan things out!
I would love to hear others' experiences meeting their child/children for the first time. I'm trying not to have any expectations at all so that I can soak in and enjoy our first meeting for what it is. Please share your thoughts and experiences with me! :woohoo:
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First, I would buy gifts for them and take them. Kids are concrete thinkers, and having already thought to have gifts is concrete, handing a gift is concrete, and it allows them to learn a tiny bit about you (what you selected) even if they don't love-love the gift. The "shop for what you want" thing, IMO, from a child's POV, would be putting them a little too much in charge of the process. It's best, I think, if *you* are in charge in the beginning. I don't mean that you should be authoritarian freaks, but you're going to be the parents, they the children. Kids need boundaries, in a kind way, they need to know adults are going to be in charge and able to take care of them. My foster son, for instance, asked his SW "will they feed me" about a visit to a prospective placement. She had no clue what he meant. I did -- his parents hadn't always fed him, he didn't presume every set of adults fed kids. He wanted to be sure that they were going to do "parent-y" things like I had been. Also, stores are very stimulating! So so much stuff to look at, things to think about, they can be overwhelming in important ways. Instead of stores, I'd suggest: park(s), beach, woods, bike rides, skating, nature trail, zoo, aquarium, children's museum (altho those are also highly stimulating), any kind of art activity for children, like a place where you could each go and decorate a plate.I'd recommend don't hug -- you don't know them. They don't know you. Good not to confuse excitement about a relationship you both hope will work out... with actually knowing/caring about someone. Our classes really emphasized holding off on touching at first. Even if paperwork doesn't include it, they may be sensitive to being touched, maybe for good reason. My experience is that children are often very wary of being touched in the beginning.I also wouldn't try to hold hands on first visit(s). Again, you folks don't know each other. After you do, after you are real people to them, and they're real children to you, (months, perhaps) then it might work. I would let the child initiate, and at their ages, expect months. At their ages, they might not be holding hands a lot even if they were your biological children. :-)
Will they be comfortable with me giving them a hug when we meet? When can I tell them I love them? What will they be comfortable calling us? Will they let me hold their hand? And of course all the questions about what they like to do, wear, music, foods, etc. Should we bring the video camera- or allow the experience to be intimate? I suppose I should just play everything by ear and respond to the kids' comfort levels... But I LOVE to plan things out!
Don’t spoil them with what you do while you are visiting, don’t go to Disneyland for 3 days. Do things that don’t cost money like the beach or park if you can. If you are constantly spending money and doing things, they might expect that when you get home. A friend recently brought home two older children and they discussed what to call them. They ended up with a family nickname for the mom which is appropriate and dad became ‘papa (first name).’ So have some ideas of what you might be comfortable with and leave it up to them. I would hold off on the cameras on the first visit. Bring the camera to get a couple of pictures at the end maybe but enjoy the time getting to know each other without worrying about capturing it on film. Congratz and enjoy meeting them.
I have to second the not going overboard on shopping or spoiling. Remember, that they are going to assume that whatever you are like at the visit is what you will be like to live with. If you buy them expensive gifts every day, or take them to expensive fun things, then after the adoption don't do it all the time, they will be disappointed and probably act out. As others have said remember you are stranger. Don't be too huggy or tell them how much you love them yet, you don't know them and they don't know you. Think about how you would feel if someone much bigger than you that you didn't know wanted to hug you. It might be a little scary. I say bring a gift, not too expensive but something they can hold on to. The scrapbooks are a great idea. I would suggest you make them each one if you can. Let them keep those when you go back. Talk to them about what they want to call you. Holding hands is something that even healthy attached children are not always into at ages 10 and 11 especially boys, so don't be offended if they don't want to do that at all. The getting to know you games are a great idea, though be on the lookout for if they get uncomfortable. They may be on their best behavior for you and you may get a honeymoon of perfect behavior before they relax enough to be themselves, or they may start testing you right away. Remember to feel comfortable with you, eventually they will have to figure out a few things. What do you do when you are mad? Do you yell? Do you hit? Will you send them back? They are not going to take your word on this, they have probably been lied to, so they are going to have to test you to see what you do when you are mad. The only way to do this will be to make you mad at some point. Remember that every kid is different and each has his or her own personalities and issues, so keep that in mind when reading books and all of our advice, none of and none of the book authors know these kids. It would be great if you get time to talk to the foster parents. Ask them about the things they like and let them ask you questions. They may want to know about chores, bedtimes, allowances, dating (oh yeah, even at that age it comes up) cell phones, video games, what happens when they get bad grades, will you allow them to keep in touch with old friends, can they have FB (yep, some kids that age do) church (if you go) types of music, what kinds of foods to you cook a lot, how often do you eat out, TV shows (are there some you won't let them watch, etc) If they are involved in lessons of some type (dance, karate, piano) or sports can they continue in your state (it might be good if you look those up and you can even add that stuff to your scrapbook.) They may want to know about the weather where you are and if you have alligators in your back yard or if you are close to Disney. Anyway, good luck and enjoy the journey.
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Well, today we fly back home after meeting our two amazing children. We had a great time with them! Friday was awkward as we introduced ourselves, but when my new daughter suggested we take off our shoes and socks to walk in the creek, and as we played in the playground it was great! After our two hour visit, the case manager said we could keep them unsupervised until 9. We went to the mall (they were in awe, my daughter has only been to one twice in her life!) And got them build-a-bears which they brought on every visit this weekend. We got their haircut (at their request and with the case manager's permission), then went to Macaroni grill for dinner. By dinner time the kids were sitting on our laps and holding our hands, all on their own! They are emotionally about 7 or 8. They were whiny about not wanting to go back to their house, but were fine after we reassured them we would pick them up in the morning. Saturday we definitely overstimulated them when we took them to an arcade with minigolf and go carts. My daughter had to be redirected several times to stay with us and my son had a meltdown when he didn't have enough tickets for a prize at the arcade. It was obvious to both my husband and I that this wasn't about the prize, and when we dragged him out of there and held him and rocked him, he was fine. Sunday we took them to the sequoia national park to see the giant trees; this was much better for both of them, because even though they were tired by the end, we hadn't overstimulated them. They definitely put their guards up last night when we dropped them off, and even though they hugged us and told us they loved us, I could tell they were numb. We expected to go through the whining like the other nights when they didn't want to go home, but they quietly sat back and tolerated it. I'm almost positive they think we aren't coming back, even though we went over the plan with them a million times. Now we wait on the ICPC, which has been sent in by the kids case manager and requested to be expedited. We already have our homestudy, so hopefully that speeds up the process. And my husband, who admitted to being skeptical about flying out to visit them, says he is madly in love with our kids, we both are.
and even though they hugged us and told us they loved us, I could tell they were numb.
So glad to hear the visit went well. Sounds like you got a good feel for how to care for your new children. Hoping the ICPC goes very quickly so they don't lose hope of you returning. Can you call or skype with them during the wait? Mail them some pictures from your visit or something to keep the small connection there for them. Good luck! Very happy for you and so sweet to hear your husband falling in love with the kids so quickly.
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Jensboys
Just remember it is IMPOSSIBLE for them to have a true attachment to you after just a couple of days. They have been failed by every adult in their life up to this point which is WHY they are being adopted at this age. I would strongly suggest talking to current foster parents about behaviours etc to get a good idea of what the kids are REALLY like.
alys1
First, I would buy gifts for them and take them. Kids are concrete thinkers, and having already thought to have gifts is concrete, handing a gift is concrete, and it allows them to learn a tiny bit about you (what you selected) even if they don't love-love the gift.
The "shop for what you want" thing, IMO, from a child's POV, would be putting them a little too much in charge of the process. It's best, I think, if *you* are in charge in the beginning. I don't mean that you should be authoritarian freaks, but you're going to be the parents, they the children. Kids need boundaries, in a kind way, they need to know adults are going to be in charge and able to take care of them. My foster son, for instance, asked his SW "will they feed me" about a visit to a prospective placement. She had no clue what he meant. I did -- his parents hadn't always fed him, he didn't presume every set of adults fed kids. He wanted to be sure that they were going to do "parent-y" things like I had been.
Also, stores are very stimulating! So so much stuff to look at, things to think about, they can be overwhelming in important ways. Instead of stores, I'd suggest: park(s), beach, woods, bike rides, skating, nature trail, zoo, aquarium, children's museum (altho those are also highly stimulating), any kind of art activity for children, like a place where you could each go and decorate a plate.
I'd recommend don't hug -- you don't know them. They don't know you. Good not to confuse excitement about a relationship you both hope will work out... with actually knowing/caring about someone. Our classes really emphasized holding off on touching at first. Even if paperwork doesn't include it, they may be sensitive to being touched, maybe for good reason. My experience is that children are often very wary of being touched in the beginning.
I also wouldn't try to hold hands on first visit(s). Again, you folks don't know each other. After you do, after you are real people to them, and they're real children to you, (months, perhaps) then it might work. I would let the child initiate, and at their ages, expect months. At their ages, they might not be holding hands a lot even if they were your biological children. :-)
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Thanks for the recent thoughts. I've posted several updates since this in different posts...
In a nut shell: The kids moved in two days before Christmas last year. Our daughter was taken off all of her psych meds after the first month and continued to do very well. A few months later, things started getting worse with our son. Major behavioral issues, he became very dangerous toward other kids and us. Stealing from teachers, us, etc. When we discovered (from a string of events and conversations) that he killed several kittens at his last foster home, he disclosed to us that he had been attempting to kill our dog for the last few months (explaining why she had dirrhea and was vomitting from time to time) and after he was hospitalized psychiatrically for these behaviors, then we found the butcher scissors that he hid and he said he was planning to stab us (and his sister) to death sometime in the middle of the night. We disrupted the adoption with him, but still have our daughter (his sister). Both of them have been since diagnosed with RAD, but our FFS's state doesn't accept the diagnosis and believes we were just bad parents because they've "never seen him act that way". Our STBAD is doing great- we've been working through a program for families with kids with RAD for about 4 months now and she's continued to make tremendous progress. Her therapist thinks she could be healed from the RAD in about 6 months if she continues her excellent progress. She talks to her brother about once every week or two... we try to leave it up to the kids to decide when they want to call the other ( I think at 11 and 12, that's old enough to know when you want to call someone), but if it gets to be 2 weeks and they haven't spoken, we have our STBAD call- their state said they would consider disrupting our adoption with her if we can't show that we will keep them in contact... it's a bit of a sticky situation since our STBAD heard his plan to kill all of us and her, and it makes her pretty sad and she doesn't really want to call him most of the time. I just document that I tried and she refused. As for our FFS, he's doing "great" from what we hear; probably because he's in a therapeutic group home and the RAD can hide more easily under those circumstances. Once he returned to his state, he told them it was his sister that had the plan to kill everyone (and some of the people believe him). He was put back on the photolistings immediately, and it wasn't until I said something that they changed his profile, which once read that he "loves animals and adores his little sister". It was just sickening that they would dare tyry to put him through another failed adoption due to not disclosing his issues and needs. We hope and pray the right family comes along for him so that he can attach and heal. As for our adoption with our STBAD, the "aim date" is right before Christmas, almost a year to the day that we got our girl!
Not the happiest update, I know... But it's our story. And boy has it been a long year.