New to the forum and need advice quickly...please! Sorry it's a bit long...

Email her to call her lawyer and discuss visits. If she calls, redirect her to call lawyer and social worker right away, and you can't do visits until she speaks to them. Don't let yourself get in the position of delivering news that should come from social worker or attorney. You will be dealing with niece all your life--set boundaries now. Hang tough with that phone call, polite but firm, keep it SHORT!We have the same issues but have stopped all contact at dson's request.This will never be easy, these first couple of years will set the pattern for the rest of your lives.I wish you all the best, will be thinking of you.

Thank you, Robin! That was my thinking, too, but I needed confirmation since this is all new territory for me. :) I don't want to be the one to break the 'bad news' to her, that's the responsibility of her lawyer and her CW...plus, like you said, I'll be dealing with her for life, and those boundaries definitely need to be set. Especially since some distance needs to happen for the best interest of the child during this ultra confusing time. I'll keep you posted - thanks so much for the response! :)

It's quite common for kids to have problems with controlling their behavior after contact with bio parents. It is difficult and confusing to have all those emotions and not quite know what to do with them. You might choose to limit face-to-face or direct (phone) contact and go with a FB page or an email address (accessible through the public library so your niece doesn't have to have special arrangements in place to see updates re: her son) that might help your Ds feel more secure and less stressed.

We had similar issues. The plain truth is that CPS controls all contact between her and the child until he is adopted. You are required to follow their instructions in order to remain the caregiver. If they have decided on no contact, then you are obligated to follow that. I would tell her this and have her speak to her attorney and the case worker. I'm sorry to give you the news, but being seen as the "bad guys" by her is inevitable. I'm sure she's been told that her rights have been terminated but she probably feels that, since you are family, you'll give her what she wants. She will try to manipulate you, say not-so-nice things about you to the other family members to get them worked up, cry, beg, and so on. I've had my fair share of giving news that wasn't received well and have a thorough understanding of the phrase "don't shoot the messenger"! The messenger was always shot, it goes with the territory. I've hated doing it every single time, but she deserved to know what was happening. If you end up being the child's parents, you'll have to establish boundaries several times. Start strong now.

I agree totally with alex I am in a similar relative adoption situation and you are gonna have to set firm boundaries right from the start to protect your family bonding time. You don't want her showing up on a whim or trying to control what goes on under your roof with her child (constant phone calls/texts or emails. Also just expect her to try to get to your other relatives to gain their support for her cause. She will say bad things about you so you just have to learn not to respond to those comments from her. This is where you will have to stand strong to your family members that you are doing what is best for your family and you dont need their opinions about it. Tell them not to get in the middle of it, and if they still do, limit your contact with them for a while too-so they get your point. It is not an easy road to take with relatives or friends in custody/adoption because those ppl tend to stick around. That being said, congrats and enjoy your time together-it will all be worth it;)

you've got some good advice. until finalization, the visitation plan is dictated by the cw's. it seems they typically arrange a "good bye" visit port termination. then they close the case on the BP. Not sure if there's a reason they aren't doing it in your case or if they failed to mention it. neither would surprise me There's some amazingly wonderful aspects to being a relative caregiver. But.. there are some other ways where a stranger adoption would be much easier Relatives have a way of assuming a ton. They often know how to manipulate better than a stranger. I'd push all visitation requests to the CW. If the plan is adoption by you, I'd discussion an open adoption contract with the dcyf attorney. You'll never have a truly closed adoption with a relative. And better to get all your rules/expectations/consequences agreed to in writing. After that occurs, you can point to the document whenever they ask for something unreasonable You can also hold them accountable. The document can point out what happens if they show up to a visit high? if they are late, if they bring someone without approving them with you, if they say someone inappropriate, etc if you are uncomfortable agreeing to any visitation plan (even once a year), then post finalization, you'll need to tell them that in writing and, yes, you're the bad guy in their mind. Until addicts get in recovery, its always someone else's fault :grouphug:

Thank you everyone for your sage advice. I knew it was a good idea to join in on these forums - I've been feeling lost in a sea of strange waters since I don't know anyone (personally) who is going through this sort of thing, and because of confidentiality agreements can't blog about it and get feedback from my readers. :) The mother's rights have officially been revoked - she also signed parental rights over to us with her lawyer, and the CW put together an Open Adoption Agreement that she also signed - which is very specific on what visitation will be (2 hours per year) and limiting her written contact with the child to once or twice per year - leaving it all up to our discretion. And there are lots of specific clauses in it that 'relieve (us) of the obligation' should she not follow the rules. Or show up (when in-person visitation is possible) under the influence. I think the one thing in our favor at this point is that we're 3000 miles away from all family members - my family all still resides in WA State, we're in PA. That helps eliminate the potential meddling of other family members, and makes it less easy for the bio mother or father to simply show up unannounced. I had verbiage added to the OAA that two weeks notice would be needed in the case of 'in-person' visitation to hopefully thwart any sudden urges from my niece to hop a bus out here. ;) I haven't heard from my niece since she sent me an email letting me know she'd met with her lawyer and signed over her parental rights. I did let her know I have a copy of the OAA and was informed by her CW that with the parental rights being revoked, visitation is revoked as well. I did encourage her to plan on a video/Skype visit on his birthday - which happens to be the day after the hearing to finalize the OAA. Her ex (the bio father) is a whole other story. At the parental rights hearing he demanded a trial, which a judge has granted him, set for April 2012. His background is significantly worse than the bio-mom - he was arrested as late as July. The guy is bad news and has been threatening to several members of the court - the original GAL removed herself from the case because of the threats to her, and vicious harassing phone calls and texts he'd been making to her. His current lawyer may not see this case through to April because of his recent antics. Luckily the father has declined the option to do the video visits, so weҒve had no personal interaction with him as of yet. The CW was going to send the OAA paperwork over to his lawyer to see if hell just go ahead and do that rather than have the trial in April, but I doubt that will happen until a judge orders it so. Or he gets put in jail (again) between now and then, which could inevitably happen. Neither bio-parent have been doing what CPS and the courts have asked them to do Җ they both have failed any drug testing (the father was caught with a Whizinator in June I had to Google it to find out what that wasօewww.) They both are supposed to go to rehab and attend Domestic Violence classes, none of which has happened (in spite of the state making all the arrangements and picking up the bill). As for the bio-mom being a relative and feeling like she can manipulate the situation truer words were never spoken. Being a drug addict certainly hasn֒t helped her in that regard, either she does absolutely blame everyone else for her current plight. The sad thing is this is child #4 that she has had taken away from her by the State ֖ the only one in Kinship Care. [INDENT]wcurry66 said: you've got some good advice. until finalization, the visitation plan is dictated by the cw's. it seems they typically arrange a "good bye" visit port termination. then they close the case on the BP. Not sure if there's a reason they aren't doing it in your case or if they failed to mention it. neither would surprise meӔ[/INDENT] I wonder if the CW has been leaving the visitation schedule up to me because of them being in WA? She hasnt dictated any sort of visitation schedule since the beginning Җ and when Ive called to ask her about anything like that, sheҒs always stated shed leave it up to me. I think weҒre an oddity it֒s the first ICPC case theyve had for a child going from WA to PA, and PA has some of their own strict rules and processes for everything. We had to become a licensed Foster Home in order for PA to approve the Kinship Care and have the child brought out here from WA. We also have a separate CW here in PA who comes by once a month for a ґWellness Check in the home to make sure the child is being well taken care of. Which he is, of course Җ Im finding out that boys are definitely way different than girls҅the little dude eats twice as much as our 8-year old daughter does, and is constantly on the move that boy just doesn֒t sit still! :) So at least the OAA is moving forward for the bio-mom now it֒s just a hurry-up-and-waitђ game on the bio-dad. And hopefully neither one of them will show up unexpectedly on our doorstep. I have tons more questions (and some concerns), I'll have to see if there are threads already in place that address some of those - or I might end up starting new ones. ;) Thank you all for the awesome responses - it's nice not to feel 'alone' in all this! I'll keep you updated on how things go! :)

In my situation, I have adopted my grandsons after my son and his ex-girlfriend lost them to the state. I was never asked if I wanted an open adoption. The state was pursuing TPR and bio-parents voluntarily signed after I had the children for a little more than a year. The bio-parents asked that supervised visits continue, but the cw told them she couold not guarantee that I would be the one to adopt so she could not give that. Of course both parents expect that I will continue weekly visits and have asked if eventually they can have unsupervised (not happening) and I have allowed visits because that is what the children want even though it creates havoc in our lives. I have stopped contact with other family members because of unhealthy behavior and have seriously considered stopping contact with parents for same reason and may still do so. Adoption was final five months ago, so we are still figuring out things. Sometimes I wish I had paperwork in open adoption stating visits would be twice a year or only by video chat! I have accepted I will always be the "bad guy" but still hate it. My son even told me that he gave up his rights to the children because he felt I didn't have anything in my life worth living for and having his children would give me purpose! I was perfectly content to just be a grandma and enjoy my time with no children for once in many many years!!! lol Hang in there!

willow, our adoption was final almost 2 mo ago and like you, we have found ourselves in turmoil with other family members and have strained relationships with them over this. While they supported me entirely through the adoption appeal process, they have recently begun to question me as to why i have not allowed bm to visit. i have told them to stay out of the middle of this and just be family to me, but....relative adoptions are hard on the entire family unit..