Bithmohter is searching for me, what to expect/feel

Wow, what a shock that had to be. It's great that your family is supportive. It makes a huge difference. I imagine, just knowing you're alive, and okay will be a huge relief to your bmom. I know it was to mine. I think most of us in reunion would tell you to take it slow! Maybe the letter and picture will be enough. Maybe you will want to meet. Take it one step at a time. I have always tried to put myself in my bfamilies shoes, and treat them how I'd want to be treated. I don't mean that I put my own needs aside, but it helped me respond a bit easier when I thought about what they had been going through as well. (that being said, my bmom did the same, and our reunion has been relatively easy)You may feel indifferent now, but my guess is the emotions are coming. They call reunion a roller coaster for a reason. In my case, it's been a great ride, and I hope it is for you as well. I had no idea how much adoption has effected me until I was in my late 30's, early 40's as well. It had nothing to do with my afamily. It's just what it is. I had a great life growing up with people I cared about as well. None of that has changed just because a new chapter is opening. Your reality hasn't changed, you're just now recognizing it. Good luck! You'll find plenty of support here.

Thank you for your reply txrnr. I recieved aletter and a picture today from my bmum,, i was surprised to recieve this so quickly, i had expected to wait a couple of weeks, i am totally awash with different emotions. it was just a short intro letter, nothing deep, no questions really, just explaing that she would like the chance to get to know me, and has often thought about me. In the picture i can se some resemblance of myself, eye colour, certain facial features, My girlfriend thinks we have similer hand writing too. its all very strange. I will write a reply this evening. i have read so many helpful posts on this forum, its certainly helped to know so many have or are going through this emothionaly hard period. Thankyou everyone

That was quick! Good luck, no matter what you decide to do. I have some similar features to my bmom, and that fascinated me. What freaks me out more is how alike we are with certain things. We have similar mannerisms and habits. We sit alike, stand alike etc... Things I would have never thought were hardwired. Very cool you got a picture. That's awesome.

I was adopted at a young age, ariund 4 years old. I remember everything, being taken away from my mum, living in various foster homes and childrens homes, I even remember going to court for my adoption hearing. It never bothered. When I was eleven, my parents had some photos sent to them from my birth mother, I found out I had a brother and sister. I decided from that day I wanted to find them. Fast forward 28 years....I started my search, I come across a message on an adoption website. All the information I read on the message pionted towards the message was from my birthmother, there was no address or contact details. So, I started searching social networks, where I came across my sister, after 2 weeks of plucking up the courage, I sent a message to my sister, she immediately replied, I couldn't believe it, then I contacted my brother and eventually my mum, I also learnt I had another sister. After two years of emails and telephone calls, I eventually met them. It was amazing, they welcomed me into their homes and there life, it was a wonderfull meeting. Don't be concerned about anything, the fact that your mum has contacted you means she wants to get to know, take easy and slowly then go for it. You won't regret it. Good luck to you.

First of all, what you are experiencing is perfectly normal. I had a semi-open adoption with my son and his parents, and sent and received letters and pictures through the agency but was not able to share any identifying information. I did not know exactly where my son lived or what his last name was, for instance. I always felt open to knowing my son again, but was so terrified to say this directly. I always wanted it to be HIS choice if he wanted to continue communicating after he came of age, and if he wanted to meet. He did end up sending me his identifying information back in 2007, but it took us until spring of last year to actual have our first face-to-face meeting. I probably have one of the slowest reunion processes in history (LOL!). I'm glad, though, we took it slow, even though sometimes I wish it didn't go quite as slow as it did. Anyway, reunion will bring up all sorts of very intense feelings and emotions that will absolutlely blindside you. Just knowing that will help you understand things a little more. It's totally normal. They don't call reunion a roller coaster ride for nothing! Please, please, allow yourself time to process your feelings. I think when people get in so far over their heads and do not take the time to let things settle, the overwhelm becomes so great that eventually, yeah, it becomes too much. You hear a lot about "pullback" with regard to reunion, when one person or the other all of a sudden shuts down. I think it's important to be aware of that possibility, but not be afraid to move forward because of that possibility. In the beginning, we all have these fears of rejection. I had it with my son. All the questions that came up were so intense: What if he only wants to talk to me once and never again? What if he never really wants to meet, or meets me and doesn't like me? What if he is a very needy person, and overwhelms me? What if he perceives ME as too needy and I overwhelm him? What if I say the wrong thing? On and on, and it can drive you crazy!! I will tell you, I could not have gotten through those early stages without counseling. For me, it was absolutely necessary. I don't know if that is an option for you, or if you have adoption reunion support groups in your area, but if so, I would certainly take advantage of them. I always recommend taking things slowly, too. My son and I talked about this on our first phone call. Just going at a pace that we were both comfortable with. Of course, in the begining, there are so many urges to constantly call or email, and it's like a "honeymoon phase" but eventually that will die down and I feel it is best from the get-go to try and pace things more realistically from the start, if at all possible. And if you feel overwhelmed or need a break, let the other person know that you need to take a step back, not because you are shutting the door, but because you need some time to process things. There is nothing wrong with taking this time, and it is also helpful to say when you anticipate being back in touch again. It is so easy to let fear rear its ugly head in all this, but when you catch yourself with all the negative "what ifs," try "what iffing" in a positive way. What if you are not rejected? What if you have a beautiful reunion? What if you learn so much more about yourself regardless of the outcome? What if you develop a great relationship with your siblings? I am so glad your aparents have been so supportive and continue to be. Especially given when you were born, it wasn't all that common to tell children they were adopted from such a young age (if at all) so kudos to them for being so open. Best of luck to you and definitely keep us posted!

There could be any number of reasons why your mother chose to wait to make contact including she may have thought she couldn't search/ I don't know if you know that the law changed on the 30th December 2005 stating that birth family members can search for an adopted family members provided they use an intermediary. I found my son and contacted him. He was searching for me so fortunately he was okay with me contacting him first. Take your time digesting information and it seems that your first mother wants to take it slowly as well,

you are perfectly normal in how you are feeling. I don't think a lot of adoptees feel the loss of their birth family until they're older. I believe that is what you are feeling. It's hard for people that aren't adopted to understand it is a loss that can be immeasurable even though we've never known our birth families. There is nothing abnormal about second guessing your life and wondering if you were really supposed to have the life you have. I have felt the same way recently. It sounds like you've had a full life (marriage, kids, career, and hobbies) so that is something to be very happy about. I know it's hard not to wonder what might have been but your adoption was something you didn't have control over and it is what it is. I doubt your birth mother would reject you after making the step to contact you. I think most birth parents wait to be found because they don't think they have a right to disrupt their child's life so that is probably why she waited so long. She probably realizes that a lot of time has gone by and didn't want to wait until it was too late. Enjoy this endeavor and I hope everything works out for the best. Good luck!

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Paul1968, I was adopted at 3 months old, and also had a happy childhood and never really questioned anything. I too had always wondered, but never felt driven to search. My birth mother had been searching for me, but never found me. In a series of fluke events, I found myself getting a copy of my amended birth certificate for work and saw a stack of forms for adopted children to apply for their original birth certificate. On a whim, I filled it out and (according to the clerk) was the first person in 20 years to receive it... because my birth mother had signed the consent form for me to have it when she began her search for me. I never expected to find myself in that position, and all the same feelings you have stated also flooded my mind. What am I getting myself into? Will she want to hear from me, or is this just curiosity and that's all? Will she find answers and then disappear? Unfortunately, when I researched her name the same day, I found out she had been dead for over 7 years and never knew what happened to me. If only I had looked for her sooner! However, I found her sister, my aunt, and contacted her and met her in 2007. She was the last living person who knew who my father was, and introduced me to him in 2008. I never expected this to make a large difference in my life, to be honest. I knew who I was, and I had good parents who loved me. None of that would change. But in my journey, I never would have dreamed of the huge difference this has made for me! My father welcomed me as his daughter 100% and we were both thrilled to find we are almost exactly alike. None of his other children are much like him, but he and I are near duplicates. He played the guitar all his life, and I have played since I was 5 years old... without ever knowing him. Music is all over in both sides of my birth family, but I was the only one in my adopted family who was musical. The closeness and belonging I have felt with my birth family has changed my life for the better in a thousand ways. There are reasons for the way I am, for all the things I felt all my life that seemed to come from nowhere. I am lucky to have been the love child of my very young mother and this amazing man who was so in love with her. Paul, I wouldn't change anything about my journey. It is a leap of faith, but unless you take it, you don't know what you are denying yourself or what you could be gifting to yourself and others. My birth mother anguished about her decision to give me up, and never recovered from it, searched for me all her life. I was her only child, and she died never knowing what happened to me. You and your mother have a chance to have what she and I never did. Don't shy away from it. No matter how it turns out, you will have your answers. It's hard to live without them once you have the chance to find them, and it's even harder knowing you had the chance but didn't take it until it was too late. The best of luck, my friend. May you have all the joy and love and peace of mind that I have found! Blessings to you both!

What a beautiful post, Terryberry! Thank you for posting it. :thanks: