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I can't eat, I can't sleep and I can't focus on anything other than recent events, which still have me stunned. We were connected w/ our wonderful ** when she was 11 weeks pregnant and the mother of a 10 month old. We are now at 30 weeks. ** and I text every day I have gone to every doctors appt, and lab draw.
Since I live some distance away, ** and I would make the most of appt days. We always went to lunch before the appt and I would take her shopping for maternity clothes after. She always referred to the baby by the name my husband and I chose and even asked if she could buy the baby a gift.
I was there for her when she was dumped my multiple boyfriends. Every time, without judgement, I reminded her about how special she is and how she deserved the best.
When I arrived for the 30 week visit I had brought a trunck full of household items for her since her split from her boyfriend. While carrying in the last box, her brother comes from around a corner and says Oh I was gonna help. I joked "planned that just right." He laughed, ** laughed and we were off to lunch.
10 minutes into lunch, ** grandmother calls and proceeds to talk non-stop to ** through our entire lunch and the drive to the dr's office, only ending the conversation when we entered the building. During this long conversation the only words ** uttered were "yes ma'am. once we were checked in and sitting in the waiting area ** told me that her grandmother did not think my joke to her brother was very funny and she was very upset.
I offered to apologize - which I did. When I took her back home she called her grandmother and told her to send him over. I sat in the car and waited for 10 minutes for him to show up. When he did he acted like it was blown out of proportion (because it was) and began to tell me how stressful thinking about what kind of job he was going to get all the while, blowing cigarette smoke into my car and managing to use the f-word at least a dozen times.
Regardless, apology extended and accepted. Plans were made between ** and I that I would return to town this weekend and take her to get some labs done.
I text her later to tell her what time and she text me back that her mother was going to take her. No big deal, I thought, because her mother doesn't get there very often.
I had a really weird feeling all night - didn't sleep at all.
When i hadn't gotten her customary 8:30am text, I worried even more. So I text her good morning. Asked her a couple mundane questions and she responded with short specific answers, then nothing. my last text to her was "is something wrong?" and I have heard nothing. Not a peep.
In 2 weeks my co-workers are having a shower for me, next week my sister is mailing out invites to another shower. The nursery is complete. Home study is near completion.
My head is spinning and I just don't know what to think or do. I'm not going to contact her before friday. I don't want to push her away, but this disconnect has caused a trust issue with me. Inside six hours how do we go from I am so thankful you are adopting this baby, thank you for all you have done for me to nothing?
She has never showed any interest in raising this baby herself, has been resentful of the pregnancy, wants no reminders of the BF and up until yesterday, had the full support of her entire family for her adoption plan and for us as the adoptive couple.
I am horrified for myself, but I also have worries about what will happen to her and the baby. She has no intention of raising another child, nor the means or support to do it. On the other hand, if she does find another couple she doesnt have the time to invest in getting to know them as well as she go to know us. Talking nearly everyday for 19 weeks to only having 10 weeks left and no other options. My heart breaks for her.
Where do I go from here?
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Im so sorry you are going thru this. I would give it some time. Maybe her mom is upset and she is making her not talk to you?? We were only matched about 2 months away from her due date and i had been emailing emom once a week for a few weeks. Then i had emailed her, and nothing. For 3 weeks, i didnt hear anything from her.I got antsy and called the agency and my SW had called her SW to see if she has heard from her, and her SW called her to see how things were and she said everything was fine, she was just so busy lately and very tired!! I got over concerned and everything was fine in the end.
I know this wont really help, but if she is thinking about backing out, its better that she makes the decision now rather than after you have seen/held the baby or taken the baby home and then she changes her mind about the adoption. I know that isnt much comfort, and im sorry, but until the papers are signed, nothing is forsure. I personally would cancel the babyshowers and just see how things go the next few weeks. I wouldnt push the contact. Maybe an occasional, How are you feeling?? Ive been thinking about you and the baby..., etc. I dont think there is much you can do at this point. Im so sorry, i hope it all works out in the end. Rach
* I think at this point, dont tell anyone anything particularly. I would just say that things arent going so well, and you would appreciate some privacy and prayers (if you are religious) that everything will work out for the best. This is the problem with everyone knowing the situation. We has this problem too.... we told way too many people and i wished i wouldnt have.
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My take is: either the brother or the gramma have an issues with you -- not necessarily a legitimate issue, but an issue. Could be the brother trying to stir up trouble with gmma. You don't know how HE reported what you said to her.So if we run with that scenario, what could his issue be? He resents attention sis is getting from you/ doesn't think she deserves it / wishes he was getting same type of help / doesn't want baby to leave the family / just likes to stir up trouble ... Could be 4 more things, too.IF that were true (who knows!), the thing to do, my best guess, is speak directly to gma. Apologize to HER -- because brother could report to her that you were still "nasty" in your apology. Other possibility: it's gma. Let's say she's getting cold feet / has some envy of what you're able to provide / feels dissed (put down) by what you're providing, which is greater than what she could provide / the closer it gets to the birth the less she wants to see the child leave the family / other possibilities. If you see what I mean, the "truck full of items for her" may have also been part of what bothered was upsetting for gma. (Imagine you having someone drop off a load of stuff for your granddaughter.... I had a f-son at a mandated state-run daycare (one I didn't want him at) and these rich ladies every year give the children in that day care backpacks, clothes, shoes for starting kindergarten. As we started to leave the event, one of the ladies said to me, "BE SURE TO TAKE HIS PACK AND CLOTHES!" I wanted to ask her if she really missed the fact that I was a foster-adoptive parent, and if she really thought by looking at me, my jewelry, my mannerisms, etc. that I was a drugged-out scraping-by parent who wouldn't already have all that stuff for my child. It was insulting, but she didn't know it, so I took the stuff and we gave it to a program that collects for needy kids :)In either case, I think you're best off to communicate directly with gma. Let her hear your voice, how sorry you are that he took this the wrong way. Something that you heard a million times in your family, something that used to make everyone laugh. Have on your agenda to ask her a BUNCH of questions about why this upset her, and listen listen listen. Most people love to be listened to. If you're friends with anyone from the same cultural background as these folks, ask for their take on the entire situation, and wording for you to use. Anyway, apologize to the matriarch, and hopefully that will help.And the best to you at this very difficult time.
To be blunt: I would cancel the showers until such time a baby was truly relinquished to you. (I'm sooo sorry this is happening like this. I can't imagine.)
And, I would say nothing to anyone other than emom---and ONLY occasionally. I'd let her take the lead---which it sounds like is happening anyway.
*My own take* is that bgram is considering taking the baby herself, or would want the baby to go to 'family' relatives. This happens more often than you think---especially the closer you come to the birth of the baby. That doesn't mean bmom won't still go through with the adoption plan...BUT, it DOES mean she's thinking quite a bit now...and MAY have a grama who's hounding her about 'giving up that baby'.
Anway......I think if I were you, I'd simply sit back and hope things go well for everyone. Truly, there's not a lot you CAN do and I feel if you continuously text her, ask her, etc it's not going to make her feel any better whichever 'plan' she's considering. (You never know, bgrama may be making life 'H$$$' for her simply because she wants to release the baby for adoption, KWIM?)
Sit back. Text very little to emom(if at all). And figure that you've gone so far into this pregnancy with emom, there's really not a lot you can do one way or the other. Hopefully, emom will do what she wants to do without 'family' interference; but, if not, if you don't end up adopting this child.....you can at least bow out gracefully knowing you gave emom her space.
Most Sincerely,
Linny
It's official. She TEXT me this morning that she had "been thinking about it" and decided to "keep the baby. "
My entire family is devastated. My husband is so angry and sad. I fear this experience will make him change his mind about adopting. I'm trying to be strong, but the emotions are so overwhelming I cannot keep them in.
For some reason I don't believe her. Not that I'm waiting for her to change her mind, but her behavior, our conversations and her resentment of the BF and the pregnancy. Then all the sudden she wants to keep her?
Obviously I'm still grieving. Numb. Dumbfounded.
I just need to grieve. Then regroup and start over.
I am so sorry - it sucks big time. You have got it correct with taking time to grieve. There were lots of "what if's (miscarriages, missed calls, other placements)" until we finally were able to adopt our little girl. Looking back now, it was worth all we had to go through to have her in our lives. Don't give up hope and try not to be too hard or second guess yourself, that special one is out there for you, this was probably just not the right one.
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Amber,Expectant parents considering adoption need to fully explore parenting. Consider it from the child's view point. Wouldn't you want to know that your mother did everything in their power to keep you together and separating was the hardest thing she ever had to do? A fully informed choice means exploring all options. I am sorry the agency you are working with did not explain this better.:mad: Really?!? Really? Do you know how you sound? All poor parents must be drugged-out.. and being considered poor or "scraping-by" is considered an insult. Yikes!! I am glad you are so far above the parents at that mandated state run day care. You sound like a snob.
alys1
I wanted to ask her if she really missed the fact that I was a foster-adoptive parent, and if she really thought by looking at me, my jewelry, my mannerisms, etc. that I was a drugged-out scraping-by parent who wouldn't already have all that stuff for my child. It was insulting, but she didn't know it, so I took the stuff and we gave it to a program that collects for needy kids :)
Originally Posted by alys1I wanted to ask her if she really missed the fact that I was a foster-adoptive parent, and if she really thought by looking at me, my jewelry, my mannerisms, etc. that I was a drugged-out scraping-by parent who wouldn't already have all that stuff for my child. It was insulting, but she didn't know it, so I took the stuff and we gave it to a program that collects for needy kids.bromanchikOops. Think there's some missing background here. The day-care program was founded as a small non-profit in a couple rooms, to provide daycare for children whose parents are addicted, frequently from multi-generational neglectful and abusive homes. In theory, the parents would attend the daycare with the children and learn how to parent. Over time, as parents didn't show up, that became less of a focus, it shifted to just providing daycare. Most of the children there were from the worst of the worst backgrounds, with the most severe deficits in learning, not being fed, cared for, etc. It has been known for years as the place for children of addicted parents.Over time, this non-profit (NP) grew, gained funding, different locations. Most parents still addicted, with open DCF cases. When some of the children were put into foster care, some SWs "mandated" the child remain at that daycare. Some fos-adopt parents feel that once the child is in their home, they'd do better in a nearby, more normal daycare, with more normal children as peers to emulate. A big plus for the SWs is that most of these daycares will supervise visits with the BPs, taking that off the plate of the SW. That's why my little guy was there. At daycare events, I sat next to people who looked like those pictures of "what meth does to you" from the Internet. [url=http://www.capohedz.com/typebrighter/2006/02/faces-of-meth.html]The Faces of Meth - type brighter[/url] I sat across the table from grandparents who bragged that their children had been through this daycare, now it was helping their grandchildren. Friends from my FP support group have had children at this daycare before and after then -- but at that time I was the *only parent*, of 50-ish children there, who wasn't a drug/alcohol addict. (special.) AFA "the backpack ladies". Various groups pick this daycare NP as their "help the poor" project. A group of 6 of them were there to watch the children "graduate", getting ready to enter school. Again, my fs was the only one who wouldn't be going to school from a crazy dysfunctional home. These ladies were ultra-wealthy, dripping with the attitude that they were superior to everyone in the room, teachers, children, parents, social workers. We were their charity, their do-gooder project. You know the standard assumptions about FPs: we're in it for the money, we don't care about the children, we're just warehousing them, we're not good parents. I sat next to this lady a while, and THAT is the attitude I got from her: she was there to help this poor child who was stuck with me as one episode in his tragic life. As far as appearance: I'm middle class, from middle class, with no aspirations to be upper class, or to be better than anyone. I wasn't dripping with gold jewelry the way these ladies were, or wearing those tell-tale designer outfits from the boutiques. Nor do I want to. Neither do I look like an addict, I'm not tatted up, I wasn't wearing swastika earrings. My boring jewelry says I'm a boring middle-class person. Maybe it's impossible to paint a picture of what happened, but I had told this lady that I'd already raised a family and a few other things regards being a fos-adopt parent. She is one of the few people that have ever treated me as tho I was that mythical incompetent neglectful foster parent. I was *very* insulted that she would imply that I wouldn't already have everything the child needed -- and I think with good reason.(And in case of flaming about mentioning tats, I do have younger friends who have them, doesn't bother me.) (And to OP, sorry for thread distaction.)
Really?!? Really? Do you know how you sound? All poor parents must be drugged-out.. and being considered poor or "scraping-by" is considered an insult. Yikes!! I am glad you are so far above the parents at that mandated state run day care. You sound like a snob.
Amber, I'm so so sorry to hear this. I'm sure this is going to hurt a lot for a long time. I do agree with Linny that it's probably gramma in charge, wanting to parent herself, or make sure someone in the family does. That this is just the natural progression during the pregnancy for this family... in the beginning she would be allowed to plan to have the baby adopted, but as time drew closer, pressure would be put on to have the baby stay in the family. I doubt this is related to *anything* you did at any point in time. I hope some day your dreams come true, that you get to be the baby for an adorable little baby. When the time is right, I hope you try again.
alys1
Originally Posted by alys1
I wanted to ask her if she really missed the fact that I was a foster-adoptive parent, and if she really thought by looking at me, my jewelry, my mannerisms, etc. that I was a drugged-out scraping-by parent who wouldn't already have all that stuff for my child. It was insulting, but she didn't know it, so I took the stuff and we gave it to a program that collects for needy kids.
bromanchik
Oops. Think there's some missing background here. The day-care program was founded as a small non-profit in a couple rooms, to provide daycare for children whose parents are addicted, frequently from multi-generational neglectful and abusive homes. In theory, the parents would attend the daycare with the children and learn how to parent. Over time, as parents didn't show up, that became less of a focus, it shifted to just providing daycare. Most of the children there were from the worst of the worst backgrounds, with the most severe deficits in learning, not being fed, cared for, etc. It has been known for years as the place for children of addicted parents.
Over time, this non-profit (NP) grew, gained funding, different locations. Most parents still addicted, with open DCF cases. When some of the children were put into foster care, some SWs "mandated" the child remain at that daycare. Some fos-adopt parents feel that once the child is in their home, they'd do better in a nearby, more normal daycare, with more normal children as peers to emulate.
A big plus for the SWs is that most of these daycares will supervise visits with the BPs, taking that off the plate of the SW. That's why my little guy was there. At daycare events, I sat next to people who looked like those pictures of "what meth does to you" from the Internet. [url=http://www.capohedz.com/typebrighter/2006/02/faces-of-meth.html]The Faces of Meth - type brighter[/url] I sat across the table from grandparents who bragged that their children had been through this daycare, now it was helping their grandchildren. Friends from my FP support group have had children at this daycare before and after then -- but at that time I was the *only parent*, of 50-ish children there, who wasn't a drug/alcohol addict. (special.)
AFA "the backpack ladies". Various groups pick this daycare NP as their "help the poor" project. A group of 6 of them were there to watch the children "graduate", getting ready to enter school. Again, my fs was the only one who wouldn't be going to school from a crazy dysfunctional home. These ladies were ultra-wealthy, dripping with the attitude that they were superior to everyone in the room, teachers, children, parents, social workers. We were their charity, their do-gooder project.
You know the standard assumptions about FPs: we're in it for the money, we don't care about the children, we're just warehousing them, we're not good parents. I sat next to this lady a while, and THAT is the attitude I got from her: she was there to help this poor child who was stuck with me as one episode in his tragic life.
As far as appearance: I'm middle class, from middle class, with no aspirations to be upper class, or to be better than anyone. I wasn't dripping with gold jewelry the way these ladies were, or wearing those tell-tale designer outfits from the boutiques. Nor do I want to. Neither do I look like an addict, I'm not tatted up, I wasn't wearing swastika earrings. My boring jewelry says I'm a boring middle-class person. Maybe it's impossible to paint a picture of what happened, but I had told this lady that I'd already raised a family and a few other things regards being a fos-adopt parent. She is one of the few people that have ever treated me as tho I was that mythical incompetent neglectful foster parent. I was *very* insulted that she would imply that I wouldn't already have everything the child needed -- and I think with good reason.
(And in case of flaming about mentioning tats, I do have younger friends who have them, doesn't bother me.) (And to OP, sorry for thread distaction.)
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I totally don't think the change of heart was because of the misunderstanding with the brother. She was probably already leaning that way, and it was simply the catalyst that had her speak up. I'm glad it happened now, not at the hospital...or 2 weeks later like what happened to us.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. :grouphug: I know how painful it is! When you are matched again, try to guard your heart just a little. Nothings certain until the relinquishment is final.
I am so sorry Amber. I am sending you gentle ((HUGS)). When I was a little girl we had a failed placement where the baby was at our home for a while so while I have never experienced that kind of loss as a parent I have a a sibling. Please take time to grieve, get mad, vent, cry, whatever. This is a devastating blow and the pain is unbelievable I am sure.
I pray that the baby that is meant to fill your arms finds you. Have you considered a Baby Born situation? I know it is probably too early for you to think about this, but I know how it is to long to be a Mom. Know that you are not alone and there are people here who have sadly gone through the same experience.
With all due respect Bromanchik - I posted on a thread titled failed adoptions. I do not need to be educated on the importance supporting an expectant mother's decision to parent her child. That is why I did not post on a thread titled " I'm an expectant mom and I decided to parent."
Just because I am expressing my devastation and grief does not mean I have not considered her feelings. It does not mean I haven't thought about the well being of the child. I have not spilled out every detail about my situation or about the expectant mother's situation.
I think you should also know that we are NOT working with any agency, and the expectant mother approached us about the adoption, text me every day, and always said things like "your daughter kept me awake all night" or "your daughter is kicking the hell outta me."
So please, Bromanchik, allow me to express myself without worrying about being judged for it.
This wound is fresh and deep and I would appreciate it if you kept your salt.
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amber4867
Just because I am expressing my devastation and grief does not mean I have not considered her feelings. It does not mean I haven't thought about the well being of the child. I have not spilled out every detail about my situation or about the expectant mother's situation.
I think you should also know that we are NOT working with any agency, and the expectant mother approached us about the adoption, text me every day, and always said things like "your daughter kept me awake all night" or "your daughter is kicking the hell outta me."
