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Hi,
Wondering if anyone else experienced this. Growing up I had a "good" childhood. Always fed, clothed, loved and more. I was always a little sad though, and my mother would not consider that it could be due to the adoption. I was adopted at birth, and in her mind (so she made it seem), it was seemless. Biological families have problems too was her mantra (as if that meant adoption could not have caused our problems).
I didn't realize how that also made me deny it as a source of pain. I knew I wasn't very happy but didn't know why - even though I knew I was adopted and spent my early years lying about it and then suddenly stopped covering it but was sure I was fine. ONly recently (at around 40) have I realized it as a source of sadness. I was always trying to figure it out.
So now I feel all this resentment towards my adoptive family for trying to pass us off as like everyone else when we weren't. I wish someone would have just said, "Yes, this is hard. Being adopted is not all happiness." But, it was only joyous supposedly.
Problem is that as this has all happened quickly I can barely bring myself to speak to her, and we spend a good amount of time with them usually (I have kids, she's a good grandma). I know the conversation will go nowhere bc as nice as she is, she always finds herself morally correct and will probably say I am hurting her feelings which she always did growing up and will totally disagree that they were not totally ready to discuss it at any time. That made me grow up feeling mean for acting out in any way, when I was just struggling. I just don't want to hear it anymore. She also doesn't know what's going on with my finding my bmom recently so it's creating more distance. In fact, when I started searching I finally brought myself to ask her for info which I so wanted to avoid, and she put me off and then said she would have to dig it up when she had time but was too busy that week. Instead I just found it myself.
Sorry for the rant. Trying to finish before kids burst in here. If you had this kind of anger, does it pass?
Thanks!
Have a good evening.
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Alessa,
You are not the only one to have those feelings. As a BM, I have been sad and maybe angry for the past 36 years. Before my mother passed she did say that maybe they should not have forced adoption on me, because maybe I would have been happy.
Does it pass, I would say no. The pain lessens. The older I get the more realistic I am in realizing that I will never meet my daughter. That thought/realization brings up a new sadness to try and deal with.
alessa831
Hi, Wondering if anyone else experienced this. Growing up I had a "good" childhood. Always fed, clothed, loved and more. I was always a little sad though, and my mother would not consider that it could be due to the adoption. I was adopted at birth, and in her mind (so she made it seem), it was seemless. Biological families have problems too was her mantra (as if that meant adoption could not have caused our problems). I didn't realize how that also made me deny it as a source of pain. I knew I wasn't very happy but didn't know why - even though I knew I was adopted and spent my early years lying about it and then suddenly stopped covering it but was sure I was fine. ONly recently (at around 40) have I realized it as a source of sadness. I was always trying to figure it out. So now I feel all this resentment towards my adoptive family for trying to pass us off as like everyone else when we weren't. I wish someone would have just said, "Yes, this is hard. Being adopted is not all happiness." But, it was only joyous supposedly. Problem is that as this has all happened quickly I can barely bring myself to speak to her, and we spend a good amount of time with them usually (I have kids, she's a good grandma). I know the conversation will go nowhere bc as nice as she is, she always finds herself morally correct and will probably say I am hurting her feelings which she always did growing up and will totally disagree that they were not totally ready to discuss it at any time. That made me grow up feeling mean for acting out in any way, when I was just struggling. I just don't want to hear it anymore. She also doesn't know what's going on with my finding my bmom recently so it's creating more distance. In fact, when I started searching I finally brought myself to ask her for info which I so wanted to avoid, and she put me off and then said she would have to dig it up when she had time but was too busy that week. Instead I just found it myself. Sorry for the rant. Trying to finish before kids burst in here. If you had this kind of anger, does it pass? Thanks!Have a good evening.
alessa,
I am sorry you are having to deal with this, I am sure your mother is well meaning but she doesn't understand how selfish it is to never achknowledge the feelings of others. When I was a teenager (my family was pretty volatille and I was dealing with adoption issues before I even know what they were due to being lied to) I knew I was in a deep enough depression that I felt suicidal. I begged my mother to go to counseling, she couldn't afford it. I would write her notes and leave them on her bed that I felt suicidal. She would fold them back up and put them on my bed, without saying a word to me about it. To my mother if the image of everthing being okay was maintained then things were okay in her world, but in mine they never were. Unfortunately I think there are alot of women that live in a world similar to your mothers. I wish I knew a way to make them see things differently, or at least be able to acknowledge that it is okay for us to feel differently, but I don't know a way. Good luck with your reunion and relationship with your mother.
Longtimewaiting
Alessa,
You are not the only one to have those feelings. As a birthmom, I have been sad and maybe angry for the past 36 years. Before my mother passed she did say that maybe they should not have forced adoption on me, because maybe I would have been happy.
Does it pass, I would say no. The pain lessens. The older I get the more realistic I am in realizing that I will never meet my daughter. That thought/realization brings up a new sadness to try and deal with.
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I am so sorry you have been denied your right to eeligs. I also echo what a pp has said about your Amom being well meaning. I do not think that she intentionally did this maliciously. Back then society as a whole did not aknowledge or attribute such feeling to adoption. In fct Bmoms were told to just go on with their lives as if nothing happened.
As screwed up as that seems now, it was the norm back then. It is only in the last couple of decases that triad members have voiced their feelings and have had them validated.
Being a bit older than you, but from the same era, I can understand your frustration. Like you, I was loved and given everything I ever wanted and needed and I love my Aparents with every breath in me. That does not mean they were perfect by no means and I can probably sit here listing things they may have done that could have caused resentment and distance if I allowed it to. I just realized that they did the best they could given with what they had knowledge of and if they knew better I am sure they would have done better.
THat is they only way I can keep things in perspective for "me". Also, for "me" I have to weigh the good and bad an at the end of the day, had I chsen to dwell on the shortcommings, I would have lost out on all the marvelous and wonderful love that they provided me.
I am no way trying to tell you that what Amom did in not validating your feeling is a good thing, nor anm I making excuses for her, however you did say she was a good grandmother. More than likely she has no idea of what she has done. You have to ask yourself if this is something that you want to continue arguing about if you bring it up? If you know what her response is going to be.
When I searched I knew how Adad felt about adoptees that searched because he would make comments about it when he saw them on TV talk shows. He was in his 70's when I searched. I had people telling me I should tell him I was searching and demand him to tell me if he knew anything about Bfamily. I had to make a decision that would have potentionally hurt him, the only man I knew as Daddy and possibly put a strain on a very nice relationship we had. I chose NOT to to go to him. That was my choice because I did not want to bring this man pain and even if I tried to explain why, he still would have only seen what he was feeling. It just was not worth it and ended up finding Bmom shortly thereafter. That is just an example of weighing teh good and the bad.
I know this has been a long reply, I am glad that you have reached out to other adoptees. Just know you are not alone.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. There are a lot of good points in here.
Longtimewaiting - I hope you can find your bdaughter. When I started looking, I checked all the main registries to see if she had registered, so maybe it's a matter of her reaching her ready point. I had never tried and then once I acknowledged that it mattered, found my bmother in a week. She was waiting for 40 years, and I had never realized that. Sorry for your pain.
