BD and BM crossing boundaries..Please Help!

Move out. End visits. Seriously.

I do plan on eventually moving out, Let me explain when I adopted the baby I had a steady job and a source of income until last year, last year the baby was real sick and in and out of the hospital alot with surgeries on his nose and kidney and basically my job would not allow me to take the time off I needed to care for my sick child and so I had to leave my job so right now I don't have the source of income I need to move out but I'm working on that as we speak

You can't change the people involved that are causing the issues. Your only choice is to suck it up and after your financial situation rebounds you will have the distance necessary to be a parent without constant interference. I'm not sure altering the visitation schedule with birthmom is even an alternative at this point, because you may be getting grief from your mom and brother if she makes it difficult. You can certainly try if that is what you feel is right. Be prepared for consequences and stay strong. Concentrate on job stability, income, and your own home. You can't change the situation at your mom's.

Sounds like u may need to cut ties,if u want this to stop.Your in a bad situation since it's family,the family doesn't get the point,that your the mom,not them.Also when he gets older it may get harder on u,if they pick times to be the mom and dad.

You're not wrong. I live with my mom for financial reasons. But my child is my child. I think you're just going to have to buck up and confront the behaviors. Have a family meeting and draw the line in the sand. It sounds good to wait "until" but "until" can be a long while in the this economy, added to which during "until" behavior patterns are developing that are harmful to your child. So, I'd suggest setting a time for the family meeting, having a babysitter so your child isn't involved, and establish boundaries. Once the boundaries are established, stick to them, even if it means addressing the issue loudly and in front of strangers. "No, dear, you've forgotten that I adopted <<child>>. I'm 'Mommy' not 'Auntie'. But when you remember, please call me to set up another visitation." Personally, I'd add a few eye rolls so that let everyone know that biomom was trying to play games....and walk out the door with the child. I'd also remind my brother and mother each time they crossed the boundary that they had life choice to make, and since they have been made they need to live with those choices.

Sounds to me like that living arrangement would be very confusing to a child that didn't have the antics. I had a friend in high school and her BM was her sister and her grandma and grandpa were her Amom and Adad. It was really hard on her. I understand doing what you need to do for financial reasons but it really sounds like you need to get out. I think until that happens you won't be able to set the guidelines needed to make this a healthy relationship to your little guy.

Thanks to everyone for your kind comments, I'm kind of new to this forum so I was a little worried that you guys wouldn't except me because on other adoption forums I've been part of they didn't really treat me as nice as you all do so thanks and yea I know my situation is a very hard one and isn't really all that common which makes it suck even more for me because it's like their is no easy answer and it's not like I could just walk away and cut off all ties from my family because they are my family you know? I know at the end of the day I take good care of my son and my son has what he needs and hopefully I can get everyone to realize he has one mommy and that is me =) Thanks again for all the supportive responses!

I like the idea of the family meeting, but you probably will be "outnumbered", because of all the folks who seem to be failing to recognize that you are the Mom, by law and in fact. What you ought to do is see if your social worker can be present as a discussion facilitator and mediator. He/she is probably experienced with dealing with birthparent/adoptive parent issues and won't take it personally if ugly remarks are made or someone gets confrontational. If the birthmother says, "Well, I gave birth to him, so he is my son and I have a right to want him to call me Mommy," the social worker can calmly remind her that she gave up her parental rights and you adopted your nephew, making you the legal parent. The social worker can also mention that, while she is the child's birthmother, YOU are the child's Mommy, and that it would be confusing for a young child to have to call someone else Mommy, as well. The social worker will know how to soothe the birthmother, and make it clear that you want her in your son's life, but only if she respects your parental rights and decisions. Likewise, if your brother, the baby's biological father, starts saying that he has the right to determine how you should parent your child, the social worker can step in and indicate that, unless something is going on that is dangerous, the adoptive parent has the right to decide what to feed the baby and so on. While he might not like it if you allow the baby to drink a few sips of soda or eat a couple of potato chips, once in a while, you are not endangering the baby's life or creating an unsafe situation that Child Protective Services needs to become involved in, because you are feeding him an adequate amount of good healthy food most of the time. Frankly, he needs to butt out. In short, before you call for a family meeting, get yourself someone to be the ringmaster, because it's going to turn into a circus, if not handled properly. It may cost you a few dollars, but see if you can find a way to afford it. Sharon

I am adopting my neice's child and can relate to some of what you are talking about. In our case, we have negotiated what is and is not ok. I don't mind my kids calling her Mama. They were older when she relinquished-that's what they are used to calling her. However...they have one PARENT me, their Mom. I have made it abundantly clear I will not tolerate her parenting them. I don't mind her gushing over them, etc but no parenting. She must call before seeing them, but we have no set schedule. She sees them once every 1-3 months and it's in my presense..never alone. She must be alone or with an approved friend (now she's married so she can bring her husband) I also insist on no drama. It's going to be hard at this point to set boundaries, but it needs to be done.

I understand completely how you feel! I have to agree with the others though, the only way to alleviate any of it is to live elsewhere...maybe another relative or a friend could help you out??? I'm still struggling with boundaries myself. I set them and the bio-family ignores them. I threaten and they ignore. Tonight they overstepped so seriously that bmom isn't going to get visits for a long long time if ever. I set out the rules after the adoption in May of this year that the rest of the biomom's family is to stay away from my sons. There are many reasons for this and the decision came after much discussion with their therapist and caseworkers. I decided to allow supervised visits with biomom and biodad to continue (he is my son) but there were certain behaviors I will not tolerate. The boys are 7 and 10 and both play soccer. When the games started back all of biomom's family showed up--kind of like "you can't keep us away it's a public place" so I told biomom that if she can't control her family her visits will end. They stayed away for a while, then she had her dad pick her up after one visit knowing he would make contact with the children. Tonight he showed up at another soccer game and simply refused to leave when asked so I advised them both that his actions just resulted in her not getting any more visits. She proceeded to cry and beg and say she has no control over him (if that is true why did she have him pick her up at the other visit where he would have contact with the children?). She even went to the children and made a big scene about how I won't let her see them again because her dad showed up and that she loves them soooooo much. The oldest just turned around to his teammates and said "see what I have to put up with?" The children should be able to go and play soccer without all the drama and this is just one example of why the rest of her family is not allowed around them. I have contacted our attorney once and asked about a restraining order, but I guess unless we are threatened we can't get that. I'm not sure what to do now. Any suggestions anyone???