Nothing in Common with my Adopted Family

I don't have anything in common with my adopted family. And, I think that it would have been sooo much easier if I was like them. I am 40ish and basically do not communicate with any of my siblings. It is sad. But, I know how you feel. Feeling bonded with your adoptive family helps heal the hurt of rejection. I do not have that bond and rejection still stings me to this day. And, it makes me fearful of social situations - anytime that I could possibly be judged. Kinda tired of it.....Tina

I feel the same! My parents personality and my personality are very very very very very very very different! They are very abrasive and LOVE confrontation, were as i am reserved and laid back! It's gotten annoying over the years!

You're not alone! I am in the same situation and also do not communicate with my Abro's at all. They're also 20 years older than I am, so there's basically a generation gap. I wish I could say that I've learned how to deal with it successfully, but, I haven't. I'm actually just like my Bfam, which has made me painfully aware of how different I am from my Afam. I'd be interested in hearing if anyone has any articles or books to read on the subject. Hang in there - I hope you can take some comfort knowing that you're not alone.

Welcome to my world... I have an Asister who is JUST like my Amom who is JUST like her entire family. Very anal, very judgmental and offputting. I went through a very turbulent time with my Amother through my teenage years due to this. While my Asis was top of her class and a perfect angel, I was trying to figure out why I didn't fit in with this family. To this day we are total opposites.. But we have come to an agreement. After several long family discussions and arguments, we decided to agree to disagree and still love each other for it. Just because I was different did not mean I was wrong. I do not share their religion, their morals, style and especially not their habits, but now its something to laugh about. You just need to talk to them, and tell them how you feel!

LOL i could have written this Things that helped me, maybe they can help you - My abrothers (aparents bio sons) feel the same way as me, even tho they are very similar to our parents when it comes to talents and chosen careers. All of us seem to have this issue working for us. My adult daughter has reported the same upsetting feelings due to the judgement etc., as me and my brothers. Just knowing that I am not completely alone helps so much! It's really not me, it's them. Know that. We all agreed that it is OK to lie to our parents if it keeps them happy and saves us from the soul sucking judgmental disapointed guilt they can put on us. They obviously like it better when we lie. We all agreed to tell our lies to each other so we can back each other up. LOL My brother made a fake report card for his kid to show our parents LOL to save him and his kid from the grief. It was the right and healthy thing to do IMO too, and all because of a C in chemistry. Now all of their grandchildren are making straight A's ROFL and the kids and their parents are saved. Life and visits can be happy for all now. I made my mother a cross stitch picture that says: If I only knew that it was wrong to put others under my own expectations and make them feel guilty, I would have stopped manipulating them and chosen love as the higher way. I've become strong enough to throw it back at them. There are many ways to live life, many grand ways. One is not better than another. One may be better for you, but not so much for someone else. People who have judgements about the way others live their life are living in their own small world. They don't know what they think they know. Make yours large and invite them in to see it. Take all of life you can, don't allow anyone to box you into a small one. Those are only glass walls that are around you. They are easy to break out of, if you can see them. But you must be able to see them or every time you get close you will continue to bump your nose and step back. :roadblock: Bust out babe, carry a big stick if necessary LOL If you aren't in an environment or around people who help you thrive, build it yourself. Invite others searching for the same to join you. It's never to late. I am my only possibility of becoming myself. good luck, it can be done, you can do it!:cheer:

This got me thinking, and I think it really is a cycle. I did it to myself too. I did it to my kids, my brothers did it to themselves and their kids too. It's what we were taught. It wasn't until my daughter was grown and talked to me about how my parents made her feel (the same as me) did I see the light. And when I heard my brothers frustration, and hurt feelings, and I talked openly with them it really all came to light for us. (the thing about - you do not have to live life like they did, or think you should. Your plan for your life can be different than theirs and still be a grand plan for you, and you don't have to feel guilty about it even if they act disappointed in you. It's OK if they don't agree with you, it doesn't mean that they are right, they don't know everything, they are just people, same as us.) I've changed how I talk with my kids about what I want for them in life, that's for sure. The cycle is broken for them at least.

I totally agree. It's so much better now that I can laugh at it, with love, instead of letting it hurt my feelings, make me feel like crap and hold me back. It really is funny now. Maybe it's my age, but much of what I see in my parents now is just so funny.

I love your post - laughed out loud at some of it - I guess we can create a world that makes everybody happy. :-) - even adopted family when we do not share a lot in common. I only wish I could just break through my issues with bonding with others, opening up and trusting. I think it is hard for me to create strong friendships (that are not distant acquaintances - superficial) due to trust issues stemming from my adoption (STILL - 40 yrs. later -hard to believe). It makes for a lonely life sometimes, especially without family bonds with my own adopted family. I wish there was a support group face to face with adult adoptees. We certainly share a lot in common. Thanks again for your post. Tina

I completely understand how u feel, i've had that kind of relationship w/my adoptive fam. I never felt like they wanted or cared about who i really am, they just wanted me to be who they wanted. My aparents refused to come to my WEDDING bc i wasn't doing what they wanted & getting married at a catholic church. I cut off contact bc it was just the absol. last straw. My afather got sick w/brain cancer & died and NOBODY TOLD ME! I heard recently that my amother moved really close to me but there's no way i'm contacting her. Basically, i feel like my life really began once i got away from my adoptive fam. That was when i really felt free to be myself & not always fighting about who they want me to be. Once i got away i realized there's nothing wrong w/me, there was something really wrong w/them. I'm ok w/who I've become & who I am but i will never be a part of their lives again. my advice to u is quit trying to please your afam, you'll never be what they want u to be and only be miserable. Do what makes u happy & your life will be so much better. Free yourself from them and free yourself:) good luck

i feel like im not even the same species as this family, ive been helping my adad for 3 yrs now since my amom died, and this family has gotton so beyond bizzare and petty since she died, its really kinda throwing me for a major loop here, see, i was never made to feel adopted all my life, until mom died. not one person asked me how i was doing, or said they were sorry,hugs, none of that. it was the very day of her funeral that i became 'the adopted kid' so what do i care if she just died, right? wrong! she was till my mom! so ive been careing for dad, this house was beyond tore up from my abrother, who was abusive, so ive been basicly remodling here, the wallpaper in every room had to be removed, walls repainted ( i used a mold resistant paint this house smelled so bad) ive replaced the carpets, taken no less than 7 truckloads of trash and rotton items from this house, no less than 12 truckloads of overgrown stuff from the yard, and mind you, this is a 2200 sq ft house! its huge! so ive finally got it back up to code.. cool. that made me feel a bit proud. but recently i got sick, cancer on my overies i need an operation to remove my overys.. so dad throws me out of the house, cancels my credit card ( that I pay on) and leaves me stranded out of town!! my nefew just went through cancer and the whole family has done everything including fund raisers for him, but not one person can even call and ask if im still alive even? dont get me wrong, im not jelous, im hurt! i wouldnt treat a paid servant like this, and they call themselfs family? i wasnt taught respect or empathy from them, but its in me. i read people very well, but ill admit i didnt see this coming. i would never turn my back on somebody that has helped me, thats why i came here and gave up my life to help him, but theyre quick to toss me out 'in the name of God' no less.. they claim to be good God fearing folks, they would help a stranger in need, but not the adopted kid... im sorry, im snivling here, i just look at people and shake my head. i dont get it. maybe it me, the whole world is becoming greedy it seems. buto turn on so called family, to exclude me and ignore me is mean. why do i have respect in me but its a alien concept to them? i dont know...sorry if i posted this in the wrong place..

I know exactly how you feel. I always describe myself as the "black sheep" of the family. I always feel like I can't be myself around them. My abrothers and I all really have no relationship. I get along with my amom, but we don't have a bond. I can honestly say I do not feel love for her. I am supportive of her during a difficult personal time and care about her as a person. I primarily do it out of obligation rather than feeling the desire and want to. We are all pretty much emotionally isolated from each other. I am closer to my sister in laws than my own family and sometimes they are the first people I want to find out when something good happens. I hate that we are like this and that I feel the way that I do. But we can't really help that now can we? I'm just glad to know I'm not the only one with these kinds of issues.

I too feel like a completely different person from the rest of my aFamily, but then that is the key. I AM a completely different person! I remember in my teen years trying to explain to a very frustrated aMom that I was my own person, with my own thoughts and beliefs, and own likes and dislikes, and own interests. Oddly, my aMom and aDad are total opposites of each other and I am somewhere in between their styles. Try living in a household of 3 where between you, you have very little in common as a group. Picking a restaurant, music in the car, or an activity as a group...hell. I told her I felt it unfair that they were trying to mold me into being just like them, someone I wasnt. Her snappy retort was basically that I could be like them but I was too stubborn. So sorry! I have found that we are more accepting of each other as the years have passed. I feel bad for my aMom because she must have had other hopes or expectations for us with the adoption, but I dont feel bad that I am me.

i feel for you. i am 51 and never fit in with my adopted family either. was always the outcast, the black sheep of the family. every holiday when the family got togather, they always pointed out that i was the adopted one. i recently found my real family but becouse i feel inferior to every one growing up im having alot of trouble feeling good enough to be part of my real family now. never ending struggle

Dear MKR, I will turn sixty in December and relate to all that you have said. I've introduced myself in several posts today as it finally hit home that at my ripe old age I have yet to sort this out. Sure, I have come to maintain a cordial, but distant relationship with my A-father, mother and sister (also adopted, but not a blood relative as she gleefully announced to our friends in our school years). In early years (I left home at 16 to learn how to live functionally at the advice of my therapist who called our family extremely dysfunctional) I went about finishing my education, made awful mistakes in relationships until I went back and addressed that in therapy) and, to my A-family's relief, visited for short periods and tried to be polite and cheerful. This worked, with some glitches, until I gave birth to my beautiful, clever and adored first child. (Bear with me here, as we lost my oldest son two weeks before his 22nd birthday, and we will never recover from that shattering loss). When my son was born, I thought that I had never experienced love such as that connection before he came into my world. I had saved a good percentage of my salary so that I could take a few years off to be with him. I really had to restrain myself; I wanted to give him the world! And then it really HIT me my parents had never felt this way about me-not even close! All my life they had been "frugal", extremely withholding, though they were quite rich. I heard the word "necessary" as in "this is not necessary", "that is not necessary" until I could not bear it. I was unable to talk to my parents very much due to the immense pain I felt upon realizing that they had never loved me as I loved my child(Ren). (A wonderful younger son came along 2 years later and though both children had medical problems, they were my miracles). Fortunately (for me, if not for my sons) my A-parents were no more interested in being grandparents than they had been parents, so didn't notice my wthdrawel. To be fair, I think that my father came to love me and my sister, but he had to contend with my mother's extremely busy social life and her desire to move from one home to another constantly. One day I visited home and asked my mother out to lunch. I asked her about her own childhood. Did she have things? Was she treated well? She went on about the furs and cars and jewelry given to her by her parents. I asked her how this all made her feel. She replied that she had been loved and cherished and had a "define" childhood. I then asked her why she chose to give me and my sister only that which was necessary-and asked how she would have felt if her rich parents defined her life by giving only necessities? She said that she had not wanted to spoil us. I told her that if we had been poor or even in a monetary situation in which we all had to pare down to the bone, I might have understood it. (In our nuclear family due to illnesses and many crisis points, we have never been even comfortable, so I surely know that when a family must pull together, it is different) She thought a while, then said, "I guess I would have felt unloved if my childhood was like yours". Silly me, I thought that I had made real progress that day. For a time, when she came to visit, she brought "gifts" (re-gifted to me what hostess gifts she received that she disliked). When I turned fifty, she called from the Florida house to ask what I wanted to do to celebrate the day. I said (feeling truly excited that she had asked) that I would like to celebrate with a small gathering of family and close friends. Her response? Well, WE cannot make it any time near your birthday, but I will send a check.......... I said something pleasant and "thanks, but no thanks" and got off the phone to go sob. I spent that birthday quietly at home with kids and husband. I could go on (and have for far too long!), but in the last years I have created my own "family". Is it the same? No....I feel like I was abandoned twice....but now I seek only my own approval. It was hard to be so different that my parents could not bond. I am fair, blonde-the whole adopted family is dark haired and it is clear that I and my sister look nothing like them. In my case, my parents would not have had children but for seeing them as a required accessory. They are in their late 80's and Dad will be 90 this year. I can hardly expect change. But, I can be good to myself and to my nuclear family and attempt to be cordial and compassionate so that I feel as though I've done MY best. However much your story resembles mine, I would pray that you won't spend the amount of time that I did wishing for a different relationship that will never happen. Consider what would make you happy or comfortable that is also possible. And cherish your loved ones as life is only on loan to all of us. With warm regards and a hug, LLAWEN P.S. if you check my profile, you will see we have a few things in common.

Dear MKR, I will turn sixty in December and relate to all that you have said. I've introduced myself in several posts today as it finally hit home that at my ripe old age I have yet to sort this out. Sure, I have come to maintain a cordial, but distant relationship with my A-father, mother and sister (also adopted, but not a blood relative as she gleefully announced to our friends in our school years). In early years (I left home at 16 to learn how to live functionally at the advice of my therapist who called our family extremely dysfunctional) I went about finishing my education, made awful mistakes in relationships until I went back and addressed that in therapy) and, to my A-family's relief, visited for short periods and tried to be polite and cheerful. This worked, with some glitches, until I gave birth to my beautiful, clever and adored first child. (Bear with me here, as we lost my oldest son two weeks before his 22nd birthday, and we will never recover from that shattering loss). When my son was born, I thought that I had never experienced love such as that connection before he came into my world. I had saved a good percentage of my salary so that I could take a few years off to be with him. I really had to restrain myself; I wanted to give him the world! And then it really HIT me my parents had never felt this way about me-not even close! All my life they had been "frugal", extremely withholding, though they were quite rich. I heard the word "necessary" as in "this is not necessary", "that is not necessary" until I could not bear it. I was unable to talk to my parents very much due to the immense pain I felt upon realizing that they had never loved me as I loved my child(Ren). (A wonderful younger son came along 2 years later and though both children had medical problems, they were my miracles). Fortunately (for me, if not for my sons) my A-parents were no more interested in being grandparents than they had been parents, so didn't notice my wthdrawel. To be fair, I think that my father came to love me and my sister, but he had to contend with my mother's extremely busy social life and her desire to move from one home to another constantly. One day I visited home and asked my mother out to lunch. I asked her about her own childhood. Did she have things? Was she treated well? She went on about the furs and cars and jewelry given to her by her parents. I asked her how this all made her feel. She replied that she had been loved and cherished and had a "define" childhood. I then asked her why she chose to give me and my sister only that which was necessary-and asked how she would have felt if her rich parents defined her life by giving only necessities? She said that she had not wanted to spoil us. I told her that if we had been poor or even in a monetary situation in which we all had to pare down to the bone, I might have understood it. (In our nuclear family due to illnesses and many crisis points, we have never been even comfortable, so I surely know that when a family must pull together, it is different) She thought a while, then said, "I guess I would have felt unloved if my childhood was like yours". Silly me, I thought that I had made real progress that day. For a time, when she came to visit, she brought "gifts" (re-gifted to me what hostess gifts she received that she disliked). When I turned fifty, she called from the Florida house to ask what I wanted to do to celebrate the day. I said (feeling truly excited that she had asked) that I would like to celebrate with a small gathering of family and close friends. Her response? Well, WE cannot make it any time near your birthday, but I will send a check.......... I said something pleasant and "thanks, but no thanks" and got off the phone to go sob. I spent that birthday quietly at home with kids and husband. I could go on (and have for far too long!), but in the last years I have created my own "family". Is it the same? No....I feel like I was abandoned twice....but now I seek only my own approval. It was hard to be so different that my parents could not bond. I am fair, blonde-the whole adopted family is dark haired and it is clear that I and my sister look nothing like them. In my case, my parents would not have had children but for seeing them as a required accessory. They are in their late 80's and Dad will be 90 this year. I can hardly expect change. But, I can be good to myself and to my nuclear family and attempt to be cordial and compassionate so that I feel as though I've done MY best. However much your story resembles mine, I would pray that you won't spend the amount of time that I did wishing for a different relationship that will never happen. Consider what would make you happy or comfortable that is also possible. And cherish your loved ones as life is only on loan to all of us. With warm regards and a hug, LLAWEN P.S. if you check my profile, you will see we have a few things in common.