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I dont even know where to begin to describe all that I'm feeling lately.
I am a birth mother to a 13 1/2 year old son. Just recenlty I found his adoptive mother on facebook and so I found him on facebook as well. I haven't contacted either one, because one, i have no idea if he knows he's adopted and two I know she doesn't want me to contact him ever.
I live with the hurt that she went back on our arrangement from the start. I was very specific on the type of adoption I wanted to have. To not be an every day part of my sons life but to not be hidden and to be sent letters and pictures every so often so I can know how he was doing and what he looks like growing up. She was orginally all for it and told me everything I wanted to hear. Her main concern through out the whole process was that I was going to pull some "lifetime mini series" on her. I kept reassuring her that wouldn't happen, I wouldn't do that. At the time she seemed to believe me. Even on the day he was born, I decided to waive my rights of the 90 days I had to change my mind to ease HER mind and to not be tempted to take him back. The birth father did not do this, not because he wanted to change his mind, but because he was so self absorbed he never had time to meet with the social worker. She panicked and was advised from her lawyer to take her son and head back to New York. I live in California.
On the day we were to meet one last time so I could see my son, I received a phone call letting me know they had left. I received one letter from her when he was 6 months old and a picture letting me know she would not be writing me any more or sending me pictures.
A few years later my mother was watching an Oprah episode on adoption and started to feel the anger that happened with the adoption and how the mother went back on her word. So, she took it upon her self to write the adoptive mother a letter telling her how she felt and gave my phone at the end. I received a phone call from her a few days later and told me how upset she was by the letter my mother had written. She also told me that she would be devastated if my son ever wanted to have contact with me. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to feel other than sad. She gave me an update on him, informed me they were back in California about 15 minutes away from me and that she was able to conceive a child on her own. She also said she would send one last letter with a picture and that would be that. The letter and picture never came.
I have not heard from her since and then recently, through my business, I was in contact with a woman who is friends with the adoptive mother. I found her through facebook and then saw my son's facebook as well. I was able to see recent pictures of him and all the emotions came flooding back.
It feels the hole in my heart is only growing. I want so badly to contact him but know I shouldn't and can't. I just wish I could not feel this way and stay patient. One of the things that has kept me going is hoping he will want to find me...that's if he ever knows.
That's my story, thank you all who read this.
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She also told me that she would be devastated if my son ever wanted to have contact with me. I didn't know what to say and I didn't know how to feel other than sad. She gave me an update on him, informed me they were back in California about 15 minutes away from me and that she was able to conceive a child on her own. She also said she would send one last letter with a picture and that would be that. The letter and picture never came.
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Her behavior baffles me -- how selfish and unkind. Sounds like she was paranoid in an odd way from the beginning -- who worries about "pull some 'lifetime mini series' " concept?Somewhere on here I saw someone with a comment or signature, "If a mother can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mother." I would imagine she thinks it's OK for this child to love aunts/uncles / grandparents / treasured family friends. So... why would this relationship threaten her so much? I've never understood this type of thinking. Why would she not want to honor your place in his life?
JustPeachy
I will never understand this kind of thinking, and I'm sorry she has treated you so badly. It's like she got what she wanted and that was that. It's really reprehensible to go back on your word the way she did. THAT is something to be devastated about. I can see her being upset about the letter your mom wrote, but still, she shouldn't take it out on you or your son. It sounds to me like if you son did want contact, she'd guilt trip him so badly over it, he'd really be in a tough spot. I don't have much in the way of advice, but since he is a minor, I'd keep a low profile, maybe follow him covertly online as much as possible, and reach out to him directly when he is of age. 5 years is a long time to wait, but given how unreasonable his amom is, I don't think reaching out to her would be favorable for you.
alys1
Her behavior baffles me -- how selfish and unkind. Sounds like she was paranoid in an odd way from the beginning -- who worries about "pull some 'lifetime mini series' " concept?
when she said "lifetime mini series" it also threw me off as well.
Somewhere on here I saw someone with a comment or signature, "If a mother can love more than one child, a child can love more than one mother." I would imagine she thinks it's OK for this child to love aunts/uncles / grandparents / treasured family friends. So... why would this relationship threaten her so much?
I've never understood this type of thinking. Why would she not want to honor your place in his life?
I do hope some others will chime in, as it's good to get the support when you really need it. It is quite an emotional thing, to see your son on FB and have that glimpse into his life, but not be able to reach out. And then knowing how his amom went back on her word to you, and is shutting you out, I am just so sorry. I would be beside myself if my son's parents just stopped sending me updates. We had a semi open adoption, but it wasn't even defined as such in those days. I just requested updates through the agency and they were kind enough to send them most of the times I asked for them (sometimes they skipped a year if they were busy or had other things going on in their lives, but given that we had no agreement laid out, I was OK with that). They had nothing but good things to say about me the whole time my son was growing up, and always encouraged him and supported him if he ever wanted to reconnect with me. I just can't understand any other way of thinking, really. To be viewed in terms of a "bad lifetime movie" is so insulting. I mean, really, maybe your son's amom should stop watching so much TV, and distinguish between what is real and what is make believe. She is doing her son a disservice.
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I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Unfortunately, I've heard this scenario happening more times than I can keep track of. While many aparents keep their word when it comes to open adoptions or semi-open adoptions, there is a significant percentage that agrees to OA and then closes it down once finalization occurs and they don't have to worry about losing the baby.
JustPeachy
I do hope some others will chime in, as it's good to get the support when you really need it. It is quite an emotional thing, to see your son on FB and have that glimpse into his life, but not be able to reach out. And then knowing how his amom went back on her word to you, and is shutting you out, I am just so sorry. I would be beside myself if my son's parents just stopped sending me updates. We had a semi open adoption, but it wasn't even defined as such in those days. I just requested updates through the agency and they were kind enough to send them most of the times I asked for them (sometimes they skipped a year if they were busy or had other things going on in their lives, but given that we had no agreement laid out, I was OK with that). They had nothing but good things to say about me the whole time my son was growing up, and always encouraged him and supported him if he ever wanted to reconnect with me. I just can't understand any other way of thinking, really. To be viewed in terms of a "bad lifetime movie" is so insulting. I mean, really, maybe your son's amom should stop watching so much TV, and distinguish between what is real and what is make believe. She is doing her son a disservice.
RavenSong
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Unfortunately, I've heard this scenario happening more times than I can keep track of. While many aparents keep their word when it comes to open adoptions or semi-open adoptions, there is a significant percentage that agrees to OA and then closes it down once finalization occurs and they don't have to worry about losing the baby.
It's insecurity, jealousy, possessiveness, selfishness. She's competetive, vs cooperative. No ability to experience or understand unconditional love. Entitlement, a sense of superiority, just plain meanness. Not all people value being kind. Some value "getting what I want at any cost, which makes me a winner." "I won, you lost, get over it." They think "winning" makes them "better". And they want to be "better than".Re: Insecurity. She thinks that if he interacts with you he might love her less. Someone on here posted, "If moms can love more than one child, children can love more than one mom." Indeed.I had a foster boy come into my home whose bio-dad had trained him to hate his mom. I taught him to love her. He would chirp, "I have 2 mommies! My tummy mommy and this mommy!" Even though his father had nearly killed him, I knew he still loved his father. Of *course* he did. I didn't try to make him pretend otherwise. He hated him too... life is complex.Because I loved this child, I *had* to love his mom. To me, that is self-evident, as it is to the rest of my extended family and friends. Because I loved her, radiated that love at her, she was free to say to me, "I think he should stay with you at this time." We were able to share our love for him. If this adoptive would just honor you, your reality in his life, which can never be changed -- as so many aparents honor the birthparents of their children -- she wouldn't worry about being knocked off her pedestal of mom-hood with him. She and you would both be on equally high pedestals, because she had allowed her son to love and honor you too.
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Shebreathes.I'm not going to repeat what the others have said, but they are right. Let me tell you, I found my DS online when he was 10. I patiently waited the 7-8 years until he reached adulthood (and I'm still waiting for the right time.). Its hard, but you can do it. Feel blessed that you know where your child is and can watch from afar. I am happy that I can do that. You also have the opportunity to prepare yourself ahead of time for reunion.Since truly open adoptions haven't been around too long, so many of those kids are coming up on adulthood or recently became adults. I truly wonder how the kids feel when they find out their aparents closed the adoption and broke the original agreements with their bmothers.
I feel your pain and am so sorry this happened to you. I think you will need to be patient and come to terms with how you feel about his amom and her betrayal. Your son will need to do this as well when he is in reunion with you. I think you should contact him when he is 18. He has a brother and this could be a lifelong relationship that may last long after both sets of parents are gone. We need all the family we can in this world to love us, and he is no exception. Good luck.
I am appauled at stories like this. I was raised to believe my word was my bond. It would take a LOT for me to close an adoption...only severe safety issues. This mother is treating that child like a possesion! :mad: I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Stories like this make adoptive parents look bad. I would like to think it's rare to have an adoptive parent do something like this but it seems its more common than I realized. :mad:
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