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We were recently matched with a precious sibling group. We read their file, knew everything. I'm an experienced parent and we've adopted special needs before. Anyhow, here's the issue. I met the kids and really liked them. But when our kids met them....well, not good at all. They were very feel behaved and nice, but the minute we left our kids made it clear they do not want this adoption. It wasn't anyone's behavior as much as a visceral reaction. Each had reasons why they just don't think it is a good match. We've adopted before like I said, and each time we had a match, the kids just glommed on the new one, so this was really way out of left field. Now I don't know what to do. I know if I try to back out of the match the workers will be understandably upset, but at the same time I'm not sure I should move forward with the placement if my other kids are so opposed. We just started the transition, there has only been one visit with my kids, but I did agree to the placement. So theoretically this would be a disruption though the new ones haven't visited our home or anything. Please, someone suggest what we should do. Should I proceed against my kid's wishes? Should I try to end the match and risk not getting another placement down the road? The agencies here are harsh on families who end matches, I've heard them talk, once you accept the match you're expected to be committed. I'm being honest with my fears please don't flame.
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Sorry to hear about your fears, that doesn't sound very professional! Isn't that what visits are about? To explore if matches are going to work?I would *absolutely* be honest with the agency. That *you* would go ahead, you meant 100% of what you said in the matching. That you've integrated new children with no problems before. But that in this case, your children are adamant that it doesn't work for them... and *for the sake of the new sibling set* (dwell on their needs), you think it's best to not move forward into a volatile situation. You think it's best to speak quickly, so the number 2 or 3 match choice can be given a chance to step up for the children.Surely the agency has seen this before, and can be somewhat objective? Though I have seen the type of harsh SW judgements you speak of, far too often.
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We had that same visceral feeling at one time too. We proceeded, though some of us still felt 'something just wasn't right'. Years down the road, the adoption fell apart. Not good. Not good for anyone.
IF your gut is telling you something...PAY ATTENTION. If you're children feel this reaction: PAY ATTENTION.
If you're agency is more interested in matching and placing, than being sure a child/ren are truly in the right family...SHAME ON THEM! Personally, I'd be transferring my license to another agency...and yes, there ARE other agencies in most places!
The right family for the right child or vice-versa is what it's supposed to be about. That should be the final goal....and if for---whatever reason-----that goal can't be met------then the agency should be thanking their lucky stars they have a family like you who are big enough to admit, 'this isn't going to work'.....with no big discussion or excuse. It's just the way it is...and I'd think anyone would feel 'worse' about you if you proceeded with this match feeling as your children do....
Call the worker...tell her this isn't going to work because once the children were with you......it just didn't seem to mesh as you've seen it mesh with ado pting your other children. Your family isn't a newbie family with this. They've adopted before; and if you have children (as you do)......the 'next adoption' has to be done 'as a group'. And, part of your group has said, 'no'.....and that's fine.
If the agency is THIS poor about it........you can add, "Better to know things won't work out now, than to have a full disruption of an adoption later on down the road.'
How could they disagree with this?????
Good luck.
Sincerely,
Linny