So much to consider!

The likelihood of a mother deciding to parent once her baby is born can be quite high (40% I think I read somewhere?), however, that probably will get explained to you if you are going through an agency - after all adoption is about finding a family for a baby and not the other way around. The likelihood of her "trying to get her baby back" once TPR has been signed is much lower, unless she felt she was under duress at the time (eg if she signed in hospital while being "drugged out") The likelihood of her "trying to get her baby back" once the papers have all gone through legally is almost nil.

We are lucky in that while a huge majority in our state are CC, children are regarded as "blessings," and adopting a baby, whatever their skin color, is accepted. We live in Utah where the predominant religious denomination is LDS (Mormon), and have found a very accepting attitude towards our children. We are friends with several LDS families who have adopted AA children as well. The situations with both of our sons was pretty straightforward: both birth mothers were quite young and had two children that they were raising. They were both unwed mothers, and simply didn't have the resources (time or finances) to parent a third child. DS6's birth mother was very emotional; it was hard for her, but she also wanted her third baby to be raised in an environment where he would have enough attention from two parents and economic/academic opportunities she couldn't provide. DS4's birthmother had NOT bonded with the baby AT ALL. Sadly, he was the product of an assault, and the moment she found out she was pregnant, she started contacting adoption agencies. She was 21 and was raising her son and daughter with help from her dad. She had already decided to relinquish when she told her father that she was pregnant. His response was that she needed to find adoptive parents, because he couldn't raise a third child. Her biggest concern was that the baby would NOT go into foster care under any circumstances. She didn't trust the agency or the hospital fully, but she liked and trusted us, and asked us repeatedly to not let him going into foster care. She even refused to sign the relinquishment documents unless we could be there with her. I would say that she was more bonded with us than she was with the baby. She didn't want to hold or feed him. For his part, he wouldn't EAT unless we were feeding him! There are all kinds of situations that can arise. The adoption can fail, or you can end up with birth mothers like both of ours, who were well aware of their inability to raise and provide for another child, and/or didn't want the reminder of a traumatic event and just wanted to get back to their regular lives. I may be way off base here, but I imagine that birth mothers with other children that they are raising would be less interested in changing their minds about relinquishing.

I don't know if you're off-base with that comment, but our DS bmom has 2 children that she is parenting. She never waivered in her decision. She was adamant about everything she said with regard to us. We have a great relationship with her and her other children. We were very lucky that we did not have a failed match and I am thankful for that everyday. I can't even imagine how difficult that would have been. As far as the racial stuff goes, our son is multiracial (majority African American (AA)/cauasian (CC)/Native American). I am also multiracial (same as my son) and my husband is CC. We live in a very diverse area. It is something to consider when making your decisions because it will impact your child. You will have to put a lot of effort into helping your child deal with the things they may face based on their race. I grew up in a non-diverse area and it was difficult because I never really fit-in. My parents worked to find ways to make sure we were involved with things that helped us to not only identify our racial identity but also our spiritual identity. They picked a church where many races were represented (this is not easy to do - places of worship are some of the most segregated things in this country). We talked about race (which is something that most CC people never have to do). I have lots more to say but this is getting very long, so I'll end for now.

Another thing to think about is the fact that sometimes a transracial adoptee feels an added layer of everyone knowing they're adopted. I've heard some talk about how they can never just go out their and not have their adoption be on people's minds when they're with their family. Not that being adopted is shameful, but I'm sure it would be hard for people to always pick up on that aspect of your life...I could see how it would feel sometimes like your life is always defined by the fact that you're adopted when you are a different race than your parents.I'm not saying this to deter you from adopting transracially. When we adopt we do not plan on specifying race either. But it is something to think about.

I wouldn't believe any stats you hear on how many emoms make an adoption plan then decide to parent. To know that number, one needs to know the numerator (how many parented) and the denominator (how many made a plan), and it is impossible to determine either of those two numbers accurately. I'd just know that there is a 50/50 chance that it can happen, and to plan accordingly (emotionally, financially, logistically).

I am much the same here-- two CC parents that are open to adopting a baby of any color. We'd like to have more than one child-- I wonder does anyone know if it helps to have more than one child in the family, so that siblings may not look "like mom and dad" but perhaps look like each other? Also, some people say the waiting time is faster for a bi-racial child but I'm not sure why that would be true.

I think there is some research that transracial adoptees prefer to have a sibling of the same race. That provides someone in the immediate family to share experiences with as they grow up. As for waiting times...the more open you are on any race the less time you are going to have to wait. If you say you are completely open, then you will be able to be shown to any expectant mothers the agency may be working with. I know at some agencies the wait for a bi-racial match is almost as long as the wait for a caucasian match...really depends on the agency.

To be honest with you, there is nothing you can do to prevent racism from happening to your child. People will judge your son or daughter based on their skin color. However, I do believe you can help you child combat racism by giving them tools for success. To be honest with you, I would move to a more diverse neighborhood. Although DP and I live in a "diverse city", the neighborhoods are segregated. People would often make ignorant comments about DD's ethnicity and while she doesn't understand them now, she will eventually. We now live in an area that is about 50% cc, 20% Asian and 30% black and Hispanic. Another thing I would do is bring more people in your life who share your child's racial identity. Not other trans racial adoptive parents but actual adults of color who are living good and successful lives. They will help you navigate the issues your child will face as they grow. Our children need to see us in intimate relationships with people that look like them. Put yourself in a situation where your child is the majority and you are the minority. Teach your children about their history. This NEEDS to go beyond festival and culture camps, reading book or buying movies that talk about their culture in a nostalgic way. Instead, read them books about people who have impacted their community in a positive way. Dr. King is a good place to start BUT their are other revolutionaries like Malcolm X, Angela Bassett, Audre Lorde and Bayard Rustin who were very active in the Black community. Get involved in your child's community. Every minority community has special issues that many people are trying to correct. For gays, many organizations are making laws that protect transgender people from discrimination and for Blacks, many are revolutionizing the failing public schools in majority Black communities. Get involved with organization that empower your child's community. You don't have to spend every Saturday morning tutoring youngsters in urban neighborhoods but you can support organizations that do. Tell you children about them and when they get older, arrange a weekend to serve people in those communities.