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:mad: :mad: :mad:
We have been in reunion with my bdaughter since summer. My bdaughter is 17 and my daughter is 16. My daughter goes over to her house a lot, they are very close. I find out thru the grapevine that amom and my daughter were in a car accident. Amom did not even call me. I dont care how minor it was I need to know these things. She would shoot me if my bdaughter was with me and had a fender bender and I didnt call her. Not just that, she went trick or treating with amom and my bdaughter.
Amom asked my daughters father if a certain boy could come, he said no. No one ever asked me I would have said no too, and she allowed the boy to come anyway, even went and picked him up. She doesnt respect that she is my daughter and tells her that she can call her mom. I am so angry that I dont want her to go back when bdaughter is with amom, she spends equal time with her parents though they live apart. She cannot undermine that I am her mother, she says she is her mother too just like I am bdaughters mother too. WHAT!!
When she adopted my firstborn it did not give her license to adopt my second daughter too (in her mind)
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I want to say I TOTALLY agree with you - she is way, way out of line and totally over stepping - completely - and there is NO dispute of that. I will say however, as an adoptive mom, it was a totally surreal feeling meeting MY KIDS siblings - biological brothers and sisters. I love my kids - adore them - know the creases on their toes, and the way they smile, and how their hair curls around their ears, and suddenly there were OTHER kids that were so, so much the same. They were my kids' brother and sisters and yet not MY kids. It was a strange, strange, strange feeling. Really hard to describe that sort of connection to a child who looks SO MUCH like YOUR child yet has zero connection to you whatsoever. I can imagine that if you didn't acknowledge those feelings, and probably your younger daughter is enjoying playing the parents all against each other (what 16 year old DOESNT do that!!) and you have a hot mess!!!Honestly - I would sit amom down and lay it on the line. You might start by acknowledging that those feelings might be strong and confusing -- a child that looks like HER child, sounds like HER child, acts like HER child (also yours of course) but is NOT her child. And she needs to remember that you are daughters one and only mother - and she needs to respect that. In the same way that you respect that she is parenting your older daughter - and gets to set the rules for her. It might be awkward and uncomfortable, but for your sanity a TOTAL necessity.
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Both of them are full sisters, they look so much alike, if I didnt know any better they were twins separated at birth. Its so weird how much they have in common even before reunion. They always had a connection like a twin connection before bdaughter knew about her. I can understand that connection amom has with her but like you said she is MY daughter. SHe raises bdaughter as she does and I raise my daughter as I do. I respect that I do not have a place in raising her as my daughter because she doesnt look at me in that way, I am just her birthmom. She doesnt have a place in my daughters life to ovveride my authority, it diminishes my ability to parent her because my daughter bucks back. My daughter wants to move in with her, amom has been encouraging this against my wishes. It feels like she is trying to steal my daughter away from me.
Jdox - I woke up thinking about your post and although I don't have any advice I wanted to bump it up so others read it. I am happy to hear the girls seem to be enjoying their relationship. I hope you find a way to open the conversation openly and honestly and resolve it in peace. Kind regards,Dickons
Maybe you need to be more involved in the visits between the two girls and not allow unsupervised time between your daughter and the amom?
If anyone undermined my parenting on a regular basis, kept vital information from me concerning the health and safety of my child and encouraged my daughter to move in with them, they would no longer have contact with my child. Period.
If you want to foster a healthy relationship between the two sisters, I completely get that. However, it can't come at the expense of your family unit. Your family comes first.
I'd be saying the exact same thing if the situation was reversed.
crick
If anyone undermined my parenting on a regular basis, kept vital information from me concerning the health and safety of my child and encouraged my daughter to move in with them, they would no longer have contact with my child.
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She doesnt have a place in my daughters life to ovveride my authority, it diminishes my ability to parent her because my daughter bucks back. My daughter wants to move in with her, amom has been encouraging this against my wishes. It feels like she is trying to steal my daughter away from me.
I know it has been years but is there anyway you could use your agency as a moderator of this discussion, perhaps the social worker? I only ask this because if the situation were reversed you can bet there would be a HUGE problem.
She has no right to tell your daughter she can leave you and live with her. She is your daughter.
I think if you could have a discussion with a trained professional present that things could turn out much better.
It was a private adoption so no agency was involved. I have someone in mind to help me mediate the confrontation because doing it one on one with her will get me nowhere. Bad thing is no matter what I do, be it to slow contact or limit visits to supervised only, my bdaughter takes it so personally. Bdaughter wanted us to move closer and when my daughter her we couldnt, she said did I not want to be closer to her?? Its not that, amom puts thoughts in both their heads. We financially cannot afford a move, and she really isnt that far away, only 30 minutes away.