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A year and a half ago, I found my daughter, and asked her, through emails, to do a DNA test, that I would be happy to pay for. Her choice was to do the Home DNA test ( I'm guessing because it was less expensive). She was not at all sure we were a match, due to different birth cities. ( Wasn't it common in the late 60's to sometimes change the birth city on an adoptee's birth certificate? ) (It was the correct birth date, however). Well, the test came back negative.
Here's the dilemma :
Does anyone know about or, have any experience with, Maternal DNA Test ? I have heard it is much more likely to be a correct reading if you go through a hospital, although it is more expensive, but here's why. They swab your mouth, take fingerprints, make a copy of your driver's license, and take a photo, and send the swab wherever it needs to go. The home test on my end was taken in Texas in August, and mailed off to the DNA site. I am concerned that the extreme heat would distort the reading.
I have been pretty upset over this for the last year because her photos (on Facebook) look a lot like me when I was younger, and her daughter as well. Was not trying to change anyone's life style, but would be relieved to know, for sure, that this is, in fact, my flesh & blood , and that she is doing well. (Although if she had wanted contact I would've been delighted.)
Now I feel if I try to contact her again, it will be considered harassment. Did I mention, her husband is a lawyer???
Any help, or advice will be appreciated. I have been looking for such a long time.
Maybe I should just give up....
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When I was researching companies that offered DNA testing, I found that not all have good reputations or are thorough. Because I wanted accuracy and nothing to be questionable, I used DNA Diagnostics Center. I chose them because they are used for high profile cases and television shows. I also chose a chain of custody test which is the one where you have your samples taken and prove your identity. I chose this over a home test because it can never be questioned who provided the samples and you know the materials were handled appropriately.
I don't think you are harrassing the woman you think is your daughter since you go months without talking to her. Instead of emailing, can you call and ask her to try one more time with this type of test? By calling, you catch her and you are sure to catch her and talk to her directly. I would also offer to pay for the whole test. Ask her that even though she may not feel you are her birth mother, could she be charitable and do it so you can move on with your life and have some peace of mind. Tell her this is something that will always haunt you and you would give anything for the closure. Paint it as an act of human kindness.
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I'm not really permitted to give you legal advice because I am still in law school and therefore not able to take the bar but harassment only occurs when there is a threat or imminent fear of harm involved. That being said, as long as you are cordial you will be fine and that attorney husband of yours can't do any damage to you. I would just explain to her that you are both in the same boat in terms of wanting to find bmom/bdaughter and due to her picture being eerily similar to yours at that point in your life you would like to give things another shot with the DNA test and if it doesn't work out then so be it. If you have any more information that links the two of you together (her birthdate corresponds to the date you gave birth to your bdaughter) explain all of that. I feel like the more information that you are armed with to show the plausibility of it the more likely she is to accept that an error was made in the DNA test and be willing to take a second test. Hope that helps a little.
Thanks everyone for your help.
Littletraveler: We did use DNA Diagnostics Center, because I felt it was a good company, after much reasearching. However, the "home" test, in retrospect, was a poor choice (not my choice).
I like your idea of calling her. Now to get my courage up..
Been trying to find a cell or landline phone... no luck.
Neocoris17: Thank you so much for your input as well. It helps a lot.
Since you used DDC, I think she isn't your daughter or it was the home kit option that caused the problem. Based on the details you gave us, I bet there was some sort of problem with the home kit. Good luck with getting her to do a chain of custody test (one where the lab and technicians do it and you show ID) and I hope you have some success there. I can imagine this is all frustrating and good luck with making the call.
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prmommie
I took your advice Sunshiny, and emailed her last Thanksgiving, asking her to consider taking the "detailed" DNA test. ( first I asked her permission to email her, and she said "sure").
I never heard back from her. I know she is still looking for her birth family, because she has updated her profile. Just don't understand why she won't at least give me the courtesy of some kind of an answer, even though it may not be what I want to hear. It's not like she would be out any money at all.
All these reasons as to why she hasn't answered have flown through my brain ( typical female, huh? ). We were Facebook friends temporarily , and I think maybe she didn't like my friends and family. Perhaps I was too forward, and that put her off. I just can't really say.
I'm telling you, this girl is a chip off the old block, according to friends/ family who have known me for a long time. A spitting image of when I was young.
I pray about this a lot. I know it's really up to God. If He thinks it is appropriate, then it WILL happen. Until then, I must wait....
prmommie
A year and a half ago, I found my daughter, and asked her, through emails, to do a DNA test, that I would be happy to pay for. Her choice was to do the Home DNA test ( I'm guessing because it was less expensive). She was not at all sure we were a match, due to different birth cities. ( Wasn't it common in the late 60's to sometimes change the birth city on an adoptee's birth certificate? ) (It was the correct birth date, however). Well, the test came back negative.
Here's the dilemma :
Does anyone know about or, have any experience with, Maternal DNA Test ? I have heard it is much more likely to be a correct reading if you go through a hospital, although it is more expensive, but here's why. They swab your mouth, take fingerprints, make a copy of your driver's license, and take a photo, and send the swab wherever it needs to go. The home test on my end was taken in Texas in August, and mailed off to the DNA site. I am concerned that the extreme heat would distort the reading.
I have been pretty upset over this for the last year because her photos (on Facebook) look a lot like me when I was younger, and her daughter as well. Was not trying to change anyone's life style, but would be relieved to know, for sure, that this is, in fact, my flesh & blood , and that she is doing well. (Although if she had wanted contact I would've been delighted.)
Now I feel if I try to contact her again, it will be considered harassment. Did I mention, her husband is a lawyer???
Any help, or advice will be appreciated. I have been looking for such a long time.
Maybe I should just give up....
This is a longshot, but think about contacting the agency you used, or the state, and getting what info you can. If you talk to a person, tell them what happened and see if they can help. While they can't give names, you may come across someone sympathetic enough who may answer you indirectly, or point you in a direction. Maybe they're willing to tell you if the cities were changed, or a first initial of her name... anything that might get you closer. (In my case, they didn't white out my bmoms first name in one spot) You never know, and it will cost you nothing to try.
Yes, Crazy_Woman, I went with the thought that I just wasn't the birthMOM, for months. This woman that I believe is my birthdaughter has an open Facebook, and I am able to see her photos that are posted. What an amazing resemblance to me when I was younger. This , along with the correct birthdate, is what is making me rethink this DNA test.
Thanks, Txrnr. I did call the agency, and the woman I spoke with told me the only info. they can give out is for the adoptee. But getting my hospital records might help. So many calls and letters later, the hospital informed me that the records that far back have been destroyed.
I feel like I'm up against a brick wall.
Guess I should be happy with the info that I have about this wonderful person that I believe is my bdaughter. She looks healthy, happy and has a wonderful life. Maybe I should just leave well enough alone.
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prmommie
Yes, Crazy_Woman, I went with the thought that I just wasn't the birthMOM, for months. This woman that I believe is my birthdaughter has an open Facebook, and I am able to see her photos that are posted. What an amazing resemblance to me when I was younger. This , along with the correct birthdate, is what is making me rethink this DNA test.
Withay
Crauzy_Woman - the OP is saying that she is a woman, not a man. Therefore, she would be considered the birthMOM, as SHE pointed out.
"Maternal DNA Test". Maternal is Mother. Paternal is Father. Please reread the first post, first line of the second paragraph.
CRAZY_WOMAN
Are u talking about,where I said your ex,likes men that looked like u.Meaning I was talking about his ex girlfreind.I know he's a man.
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OP stands for Original Poster (person who started the thread).
prmommie - Exactly what I was trying to tell Crazy_Woman. You explained that it was the Maternal DNA test, ergo, you are a woman.
Crazy_Woman - I don't know how you 'know' the OP is a man. No where does it say that. In fact, read the post right above this one (read post 17) where the OP says, flat out that SHE is the birthMOM.