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I need advice. I have found my birth parents/mother.
I was able to contact the birth father by speaking with his brother. Unfortunately, his brother didn't know I even existed. I see this as strike one in my communication efforts.
However, the birth father contacted me. He was not happy about my efforts although he was civil. He told me he was not my birth father; that he married my birth mother after my conception but before my birth. He did agree to talk to my birth mother (they are divorced and she has remarried). After a couple of weeks, he called me back and said she does not want contact w/ me. He made it very clear that he doesn't want me to continue; that other people are involved and there was more than me and my birth mother involved. I have this feeling that he either decided not to tell my birth mother of my contact or somehow imposed his will on her to not communicate with me.
In the interest of keeping this post manageable, I've listed some facts about my situation:
[LIST]
[*]My birth mother is in her 60's.
[*]My adoptive mother is deceased.
[*]The contact I described was 2 years ago
[*]No other contact has been made by either side
[*]I know I have adult siblings who don't know about me. One was born the year after I was.
[/LIST]
I want to communicate directly with my birth mother but don't know how to go about it. I want to be sure no one else is told through me. I'm looking for advice on how to go about this.
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Hi BSM.
It seems to me that there's quite a lot going on in your question, and it has the added dimension of being two years old. A lot can happen in two years...there may have been more discussions that you aren't aware of, someone may have thought differently about the information you were given, etc.
As I read your post, the question that I had stuck in my mind was whether what you were told was really true? Taking what you were given at face value, you were told by someone who isn't a birth parent that your birth mother doesn't want contact for very unspecific reasons. You were given the equivalent of the ostrich treatment..."I'm going to stick my head in the sand and hope it goes away."
Maybe this is just me, but I'm not a huge fan of being too accepting of what someone tells me about how someone else is feeling. For that reason, were I in your situation, I would probably find birth-mom and open communication with her with something along the lines of "I was told XYZ two years ago and yet I can't shake the feeling that I want (need?) to reach out to you and open communication." Or maybe, taking it all at face value again, it would be better to involve a search angel or intermediary who is willing to be the go between at first contact with birth-mom? Either way, the end goal should be for contact to be made directly with your birth-mom and see how she feels about contact.
If she says yes to contact, then there you go. If she does say no, then that will of course hurt...but it's also an answer directly from her. As adoptees, accepting that we may not like what we find when we get to the end of the search process sort of comes with the territory.
Best,
PADJ
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I agree with the others. It may hurt to hear it from her, but I'd want to. I wouldn't be so trusting of someone who denies he is my bfather but makes the contact and claims she doesn't want to know me. Seems just a tad too off for me. Maybe he is telling the truth, but you won't harm this woman by asking her yourself. You've already gotten an alleged "no", it can't get much worse.
Hey, I was 59 when my birthson and I found one another. Don't depend on what this man told you; you don't know how he phrased it when he talked to her, if he even did. And if he wasn't the father, maybe they couldn't talk about it truthfully. Try contacting her directly, and at least let her know who/where/how you are, she will want to know, even if she has other issues in her life that interfere. Don't wait, people don't live forever, you know.