RAD and Denial

You see . . . you really do know where to start. You are reaching out and asking for help. That is always a good start. If your child has RAD (or is just a little Radish, or is a child of trauma without rad, but other challenges) Know that you are having very normal feelings, doubts, frustrations. It's okay to feel exhausted and frustrated and worn out. It's okay to doubt yourself. It's okay to wallow in your misery tonight. . . . . give yourself a break because you will have to get up and start again tomorrow. Are you working with a therapist who specializes in attachment work? Clue #1: does the therapist insist that you participate in therapy? If not - they are not an attachment therapist experienced in dealing with RAD. There are lots of blogs out there with great support/information/ideas/tips and hugs for folks parenting children "from the hard places". My favorite, hands down is [url=http://www.welcometomybrain.net]welcome to my brain . net[/url] She maintains a map with pins for parents of trauma all over North America. It's great to see that there are others in the same boat. Is there an attachment clinic in your area? Any support groups? There are also some great conferences and trainings for RAD parents. I think Parenting in Space is an annual one in Chicago. "When you're going through Hell . . . keep going." Winston Churchill. You will be in my thoughts.

Thank you for the reply. I will check out the blog you suggested. I haven't found any attachment support in my area or even within a 100 mile radius. I will keep searching. I feel better for just having admitted my fears. It is just so hard to accept that after 4 years of being part of our family that she doesn't care, trust, respect us, etc. She is our first child so it has been hard to know what is "normal" or not. We've thought we were the ones with the problem for a while now. She has been successful in her quest to be unloveable and it is really hard to deal with. Nothing feels worse than not wanting to be around your own child, cringing when the school bus pulls up to drop her off... I think it's time for us to start back at square one. Wish us luck!

snc, I read your description of what is happening with your DD.I don't know your DD's history but I can share some feelings as a young adoptee that seem to relate to your DD's story.Your description of her feelings mirrored my own at several levels and I wanted to share my thoughts regarding those feelings.I had been involved in a great deal of grief and loss as a very young child.After that came abandonment. I was left with housekeepers and maids who did a job but there was no love or attempts at attachment. My a-dad was gone and slowly I began not to care -- about anything. Had there been violent destruction of me, I would not have cared.What followed was the beginning of "separateness" from people. I was an outsider. Different "from" other children.It was almost like having alien status...I wanted to relate -- to be an equal -- give up my status as someone who is "out-there."In some respects i was reminded of being much like "ET." I wanted to relate and integrate all the way, but I knew my alien status couldn't be changed and I accepted that.Every day I waited to see if there was a break through.I believed someone knew how to lead me to being equal. They could wash away the past troubles and make me "whole" again. It will be a new beginning. There is hope. Sometimes I prayed to a God that never answered.As you wait no one reaches out and provides an entry to following in others footsteps for a better understanding and life. But you continue to wait.No one knows how to bridge the gap you so badly want to change. New people, and new changes are uncomfortable and you hide. Mixed in, there are also feelings of being unworthy. Birthdays or holidays such as Christmas are reminders of your status because you are uncomfortable with the extra unwanted attention.You build a wall and wait behind it. You feel safe. Peers, and others have to be evaluated before they can gain entrance. Some may get in half way, others never get in. For you, the wall provides a means to gain some small control over your life. Through it all there is a profound lack of attachment and trust. Once the wall was built, I simply didn't care about anything.I hoped everyday someone would find the right buttons to lead me into a pathway of healing, but it didn't happen. For the present there was safety behind the wall.It seemed no one knew how to reach out and "touch me" and I was unable to tell them. The gaps in my head as well as those areas of grief and loss lurking in the background made changes almost impossible. No matter what the requirements are for the daily operation of your life, there is always some level of focus related to the grief and loss lurking in the background -- a shadow that never speaks.You don't know that even when acting out you don't know that acting out, can simply be related to grief and loss because unknown to you, you are grieving.It was a different era then. There were many ways to insure that adoptees learned the values handed down related to how they were expected to live. But the acceptance of those values provided by a-parents did little to address deep feelings of grief and loss that still lurked in the back ground. Because those feelings and gaps in my head went unrecognized, i was left to sort them out. Now there are many new tools to bridge those gaps. Hopefully you will be able to find a therapist who not only understands, but can relate to those feelings deep in your childs head.I wish you the best.

Drywall, thank you for posting. As a parent of 3 children healing from RAD your perspective is enlightening and helpful. What was it that "bridged those gaps" for you? snc2007, I would suggest contacting foster/adoptive support groups in your area. They might be able to lead you to an attachment therapist. AT give so many helpful parenting tips/tools (and validation). They are worth their weight in gold. If a therapist tells you they are "trained" in attachment therapy that often means they took a 3 hour course. Find one that specializes in attachment therapy, if possible. Normal parenting and normal therapy does not work with children with RAD.

Biblemom, I wish I could be more definitive in terms of answering the RAD feelings i had as a young child.In my experience there were 2 things that did not allow for bridging of the RAD and moving on to attachment.First I understood that I was an adoptee and an "outsider." I felt like an "outsider." I had no b-family -- I simply lived with a family. Nothing was done to make me a part of my a-family. It was like renting a room in a house from a family. No matter how much or how little I was a included in family activities, i remained some one who was "different from" my a-family. That status was fixed and remained in place. My a-family had heritage, birth parents as well as extended family. I had none of those things.Secondly, there were trust issues. I was afraid of adults. I didn't know what they might do. I knew I had no status or worth so I could never have any value.The RAD saved me because in times of hurt or overwhelming grief, loss and despair I learned to control all those feelings and to step back -- wait -- see what the collateral damage would be.All I can suggest for your children is that they understand they are a part of the family. They are loved, wanted and you want them always to be a part of the family.In time most of the RAD will heal. But it will take not only time, but a great deal of patience, strength and commitment. Those of us who have it, have to believe in Moms like you to break down the RAD boundaries and be shown there is another pathway. We cant break down those RAD barriers because we have only a gap in our head -- there is no link to fix it because there is no pathway that will lead us to it.I wish you the best.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I'm betting it feels VERY lonely for you. I often feel that way, too, even though I know what's going on and I've worked with tons of kids with attachment issues when I was in a role other than "parent". I'd google "attachment therapy" and your city. Find one that works with your parenting style. I found that there are at least two major camps and that finding a therapist that worked with what _I_ personally believed was key. I'd also call whoever licenses foster parents in your area (DSS/DSHS/DHS) and ask if they can provide any support groups / resources for attachment issues. Best of luck to you!