Adopting a Toddler?

You can get bonding issues and undiagnosed medical problems, whether you adopt an infant, a toddler, or an older child, and whether you adopt a child from Bulgaria or any other country in the world. The children who are available for adoption have lost their birthparents, one of the greatest losses that a child can experience. Some may have suffered in their birthparents' homes -- from hunger, illness, abuse, or neglect. Some may have suffered in orphanages or foster homes. Some may have lost siblings. Some may have been stigmatized by their neighbors, because they had a medical issue -- even a very mild one, such as a prominent birthmark or an undescended testicle -- that marked them as "cursed" or "unlucky" in their culture. What's amazing is the fact that MOST of the children do NOT have terrible problems upon adoption. They are survivors. They are resilient. Yes, many children take a while to learn normal attachment. They may never have known hugs, may have been fed from bottles propped in cribs, may have learned that no one would come if they cried because they fell and got a scraped knee, may have lost a succession of favorite caregivers. But what's amazing is how many bond after only a brief period of being with parents who patiently show them the joy of having a Mommy and a Daddy, and how many others bond after a little bit of help from a good therapist. And yes, some may have undiagnosed medical issues. Many of the birthmothers of the children have had poor nutrition during pregnancy, and very little prenatal care. Many of the children have had almost no medical care, or poor quality care. They may have had no dental care or had fairly serious work done while being strapped down, with no anesthesia. They may never have brushed teeth or flossed. Their diet may have been terrible. The foreign country does its best to represent an available child well. Still, it is almost inevitable that much is not known about him/her, medically, before he/she is adopted. All in all, adoption takes a pretty big leap of faith, whatever child you seek to adopt. But it's a wonderful leap of faith, for all its scariness. If you research a country well, and do your homework with regard to the major issues being found in children from a certain country, and if you work with an ethical agency that will help you get as much information as possible, you WILL find the child you were meant to have. Sharon

I think that's the thing I'm most afraid of: the leap of faith... I suppose I'm a bit of a control freak. Thank you for your response.

We've adopted ages 3, 4, 4, 4, 6, 6.5, 7, 8.5, 9, and 11yo. The 3 from Bulgaria got home 2 weeks ago. They are ages 4, 9, and 11. Bonding couldn't be going better. I have a blog if you'd like to read about the most recent items of what it's like coming home. I will tell you it is all honest stuff and not all cake & roses as some blogs do out there. This is the real deal. After 10 adoptions, I feel we have the right to tell it like it is. LOL. Sometimes bonding is not instantaneous. Sometimes it is. My 4yo, Summer, screamed bloody murder at the sight of us in Bulgaria. Stiff as a board if we even tried to hold her, all the while screaming. This went on for days over there. Now, nothing but giggles and mama, daddy. She tells us I love you in Bulgarian. Hugs me tight. This is NOT the same child as a few weeks ago over there. She lights up a room. IT's simply amazing. I don't mind answering any questions you may have as I assure you, I've experienced just about everything. I have 6 w/ FAS and 2 of those have RAD. We live a very normal life believe it or not. Good luck. Just know w/ every adoption there is risk. Toddlers are a wonderful age.

Oh my goodness! With ten children you must have a heap of knowledge gained through experience! Thank you so much for the positive feedback on toddler adoption. We are still so nervous about the process and the risks that go along with it. Why were you drawn to international adoption instead of domestic adoption? Thank you!

Hi future mommy, I am the mom to one child adopted from Russia. She was 11 mo. when she came home. Russia had an orphanage system. I can totally understand where you are coming from. First you have to decide which route you want to go--- domestic, foster, IA etc. That came pretty quickly for us luckily. The health and bonding concerns are valid. We used two doctors who were versed in international adoption. Usually the agency gives you a profile of a child that comes up for adoption. Usuall you get photos ( sometimes video--not sure if they do that anymore) and either one or two pages of medical information. Many parents find a doctor and then send the information to a doctor trained in international adoption medicine. I don't know about Bulgaria, but I know that there are some doctors in Russia who will travel to local orphanages to assess potential referrals. My guess is there is this in Bulgaria too. OUr daughter was our fifth referral. We went through a few referrals we weren't comfortable with. We finally got our daughter's referral and passed it by two IA doctors. Both gave us the goahead. Even though she looked clean on paper and we acceped her I remember sitting at the foodcourt in the Aeroflot terminal at JFK airport thinking "What the hell am I doing? Flying across the world for a kid who coudl have a lot of issues?" Luckily once we finally met our daugther, even though I am not a health professional, we both had a second sense that she was ok. She seemed more alert than the other babies and she interacted with us. She was even afraid of us at first (which meant she had healthy apprehension to strangers). Fast forward five years and she is very bright, athletic, and is on the ball. I guess the adoption process is a combo. It is a leap of faith, some things can be determined by IA doctors, and part of you has to go with your gut feeling upon meeting the child. Of course you never know what problems come down the road, but in many cases you dont know until a bio child is born what you may be dealing with. But I would be lying if I said that I didnt share your apprehensions. If you want referrals to any doctors you can PM me. I will try to look up who is in your area. There are plenty of good IA specialists affiliated with hospitals in different parts of the country. I wish you all the best, Keep in touch, Amy K, NJ

Amy, Thank you for sharing your experience! It means a lot to us to hear from those who have gone through the process as well. What was your adoption process like? What agency did you go through? Please feel free to PM me as well, ANY time! :) Also, congratulations on the adoption of your daughter, and I will certainly be keeping in touch with you regarding a good IA specialist.

Have you spent time with toddlers? Do you love them? (I do, can't get enough of them!) If you haven't, can you borrow some (babysit) from friends to see how that goes for you? At least get your feet wet re the kinds of things they do/ like.

Actually, I do love toddlers! That is why we are choosing that specific age group when it comes to adoption. I'm not as big a fan of infants (honestly, and with much humble reflection, I confess). Although, whichever age we bring home, I'm sure I will love the child. I do not have much babysitting experiencing (I was an only child), but I am getting involved very soon with our toddler group at church--I have a lot to learn!

1stTime, what a super response! If you love toddlers, you're going to love being a full-time parent!

hopping on this thread! 1st time future mommy - have you made any decisions yet? i'm in similar boat and just trying to figure out a country atm. it's overwhelming and i'm trying not to feel like i'm drowning. i'm not attached to the idea of an infant but three years old seems so old to me right now. just don't know.