Ant suggestions??????????????

I don't feel qualified to give advice,but I hope I can encourage you. This little girl sounds like she's really hurting. She so needs you right now! I know it's crazy hard, but what you're doing is so important and will affect her positively for the rest of her life. Hold her as much as she will let you, and I promise it will get easier.

Sometimes it is hard to see the progress when you're stuck in the middle. Might be worth getting a developmental assessment just to make sure. It really isn't too surprising to think this "stage" is going to last longer for her since she is having a set back each visit. She is also at an age when communication is difficult and public places may be overwhelming for her (part of why I recommend the assessment). I wish you well. Keep consistent and track progress as it can be hard to see on the bad days

It does take time. L has been here for 5mo and there for a while I didn't know if I could keep doing it. But latey things seem to be going much better. Before everyday was a battle about something. As long as you are seeing some improvement then you are doing some good. As far as the going in public thing you may have to be prepared to leave as soon as she acts up. I don't know if you have someone that can go with as a backup plan if she acts up you can leave the store and have your person sit in the car with your fd buckled up in her car seat while you do what you have to. Or you may just have to get a sitter while you run your errands. Sorry things are hard on you right now. Use respite if you need a break.

The only advice I have is about being out in public. It very well could be WAY too much sensory over-load for her, kwim? There is so much going on in a huge store like Wal-Mart. I remember the first time walking into a place like that as an adult and feeling overwhelmed, imagine what it's like to a very small little human! I have a 22 month old, and only just realized how different her behavior is when we are at places that are really noisy and packed with people. The mall is evidently not one of her favorite places. Which stinks, because in the winter, they have two indoor playgrounds. Not saying don't run errands....but get creative. I swore I would never let my kid eat junk, but I fell back on an old trick my mom used. I find a box of animal crackers pronto, and let her snack away. I then get my business done FAST...lol. Best wishes for some helpful answers!

I totally understand and am in the same situation. I have had my foster children right at 1 year and reactions to visits are still as strong and violent afterwards as they were in the beginning. When they increase visits, the reactions are worse. We had a month off of visits because the birth parents got in major trouble and I had such a peaceful month with no acting out and that is when we realized just how much the visits were effecting our foster children. You have to look at it from the kid's perspective. In my opinion, they are being tortured. How would you feel as an adult if you were severely abused for a long period of time and then forced to regularly visit your abuser. Even if the child wasn't abused, they are being emotional torn between loyalties to two different mommies/daddies. I have learned that I cannot take my foster children to any public place for several days after visits. Through trial and error I have found certain things that help some, such as listening to music or making a big deal of getting a special snack or prize after the visit. I also try to schedule their nap time after visits so that they sleep some of it off.My oldest foster child still refuses to eat after and throws major food fits. I have learned not to push it and that when she gets hungry she will eventually eat. She was biting herself all over after visits and so we started giving her a binkie and that has helped. I have found a lot of times you just need to let them alone to vent and other times they need help and reassured that you love them.

This sounds a lot like my current placement. I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and give you a hug. This foster parenting thing is not easy. I always second guess myself and I have often went to bed in tears from the sheer exhaustion! I have felt like I can't do it another day! But I don't want to give up on him. And progress is good! that means you are doing something right...

My kids are older but they have what I call a bad reaction to visits before and after. We found that we needed to do something as a family when they came home. I think this makes them feel secure and loved. So we usually hang out together or play a game. We try not to schedule having to be any where right after a visit unless it's a physical activity where they can release some of the stress. We also praise the heck out of them when they do act the right way. Your fc was probably sso used to negative attention she doesn't know any other way. You will have to teach her. Our 8 year old struggles with behavior in public. We figured out she was on overload. So before we do something where there is a lot of space, a lot of noise, or people we tell her "jelly bean, we are going to this restaurant. I know sometimes you feel scared because of all the people and noise. It's ok because we will be right here. In fact I need you to hold mine or dad's hand so we know you are ok. And I need you to sit next to me."We will also let her sit in the cart some times. We get strange looks but then I remember the people giving me looks probably couldn't survive a day with my kids and I silently tell them to go fly a kite. :) People are real quick to tell you that you are a saint when they know you are a foster Mom but real quick to judge when they don't. So I also remind myself of that.

Hmmmm.... that is interesting. Is she very big - would it be possible to carry her in a sling - to help her feel more secure? (try it around home, in a hip carry, first, so you both are comfy with the idea). Also, what about headphones and something nice to listen to - perhaps favorite songs, while shopping? May help drown out the other noises/distractions. As someone else suggested, snacks to bring along could help.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong....and frankly, I don't know that I would in anyway change what you're doing. Sometimes you just have to ride behaviors out. When LG came to me, he was essentially a feral child. Looking back over the last three years, its really easy to forget just how "bad" "bad" could be...because the behavior haven't just magically disappeared. Now I feel overwehlemed when he throws a screaming tantrum---oh, once a month or so when he doesn't get his way.....or like when we were on vacation he had a PSTD like incident. But, and here's the point, when LG first came the screaming was 24 hours a day. I was bitten, clawed, kicked at least once every 5 minutes, often for no apparent reason (and this was behavior the family thought was just "normal" for an autistic child). My nose was broken, he ripped contacts out of my eyes. Spit--oh gosh, going through the grocery store he'd just spit and pinch anyone that got in range--and if they were out of range just got even madder beause he couldn't reach them. Today, he's a COMPLETELY different child. We helps us shop, goes to rock concerts, monster trucks, fancy restaurants--basically whereever we go. Happy, rarely hits from anger. Only during that PSTD incident (triggered by a restaurant's decor) has he tried to bite in the last 5 months. I would listen to the social worker. The worker is seeing the progress you can't see because you're in the weeds. Plus, if the child has experienced what it takes to be in foster care, it may not be a matter of "adjustment" so much as a response to trauma. In which case, it may be more like getting over a serious illness--each day is a step towards recovery, but some days you relapse a bit or just don't feel good.

newfoster11, bump, any update? sounded too big for a sling. I doubt you are doing anything wrong. I try to keep the whole visitation day free of errands and then we have a routine in the family that we do after every visit. This helps them feel safe, if u do it after every visit. The routnie could be "walk the dog, read a book and go out for ice cream". OR "Build leggos with Foster Dad , throw ice in the bathtub, snuggle with a group of stuffed animals." I've also known of some FCs who want to be left alone for 20 minutes after visits to process .....