Advertisements
I have been with my husband for fourteen years and married for ten. I recently found out he has been having an affair with a work colleague.
Since I found out (five weeks ago) we have talked more than we have in years. We have not had the most sucessful of marriages in relation to outside factors, we have had more than our fair share of tradgedy and it has even gotten to the point where I won't even tell people the extent of what has happened as it begins to sound like I am living in a soap opera. I understand that many of these things have been centered around me, including the loss of our first child eight years ago.
He says that he really wants our relationship to work and that my finding out about his affair has caused him to realise how much I mean to him. He claims his main reason for straying is that I was working so much that he felt neglected. I'm not denying that is the case, but it was a temporary situation due to circumstance and does not seem a justified reason for betraying me in that way.
I have two small children and I love my husband dearly. I want it to work out between us, but I can't help but feel resentment that when I needed him most he went elsewhere. I need to understand why it happened if I am to move on.
I understand that my husband has had to be the support for years and it is not that surprising that he was seduced by someone focusing all their attention on him for once. However, I am not sure if this is the full story or whether there are underlying factors that may have also contributed.
It has been suggested that his being adopted might have an impact on the way my husband reacts to situations.
Obviously, from what I have read about adoptees, the loss of our child may have impacted him even more than it would most people.
I would appreciate the views of those of you with similar backgrounds. My husband does not feel that being adopted has ever been a factor in his life and I would like to understand if this is the case or whether this is an area we should be looking at when it comes to working out what went wrong in our marriage? I don't want to be looking for excuses for his behaviour, but if this could be a genuine factor in why he has behaved the way he has then I think it would assist my understanding and hopefully put us on track for the future.
Thank you
Like
Share
Advertisements
He is seeing a counsellor who mentioned that it might be a factor. He recommended that my husband read The Primal Wound to try and understand his reactions and feelings better off the back of that. There are also other factors, my husband does have very low self esteem and constantly puts a front up rather than be himself (something I have never understood, because the real him is so much nicer). It seems to fit with the theories about adoptee behaviour that I have read, but I honestly don't know if it is actually a factor or if I'm looking for excuses.
Perhaps you should read the Primal Wound as well, it is a good book that shows the different paths some adoptees will take - nothing in it says an adoptee will take one of the paths, or feel or do all of the things - just a guide for what has been seen to happen. Sometimes an adoptee does not realize what drives them because of being adopted - sometimes there is nothing driving them - we are all unique but many find commonalities of feelings. I would suggest you look inwards and find your true feelings as well. Are there ways to get past it? Only you can answer that question as well as whether or not you want to get past it. Kind regards,Dickons
Yes, I am going to read it as well. I want to understand, and have been doing a lot of research on this and other areas.
I do want it to work out, and I feel I have to try everything I can to try and acheive that not only for myself, but also for my children and my husband. However, I need to go into this with my eyes wide open. I need to know that these issues can be resolved and be confident that it is not going to be repeated (and I also know that I have to look at myself and my own issues in order to acheive that).
If my husband's adoption is an underlying reason for why he is as he is, then even if it does not eventually work out for the two of us, I would still like to understand and be there to support him as required. I owe that to him as someone I care for deeply, and to my children and his future realtionship with them.
Advertisements
I can't speak for your husband, but as an adult adoptee I also had low self esteem. I was very responsive to any woman that smiled at me or simply engaged me in conversation even though I was in a committed relationship at the time.
I felt that my girlfriend really didn't love me...I was unlovable after all. The fact that you had to work more than normal just made it easier for him to justify looking for that lost connection.
And I can say that the loss of a child will have a great impact on anyone that has been adopted, and is looking forward to becoming a parent of their child. Despite the emotional isolation he must be feeling in the end there is no excuse.
I had to learn to open up my real self to people and trust that even if rejected the pain will pass.
I'm going to add you both to my prayers.
Thank you for your comments. I just really hope he is telling me the truth when he says he knows what he wants now and that he is as willing as I am to face up to both our demons. No it's not an excuse, he is still an adult and a father and needs to understand where his priorities are. But I don't believe that someone should be condemned for one bad act, we are all human and capable of making huge mistakes in our life. It's the why not the what which is important, however much it hurts.
Thanks again for your support
You might also look more deeply into readings and other information on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to help you understand some of what might be driving him, Dear. People that have never faced the issue of RAD but are dealing with it in their lives or relationships don't understand what motivates the situation. RAD often causes people (common in adoptees) to attach to others in inappropriate ways, often leading to extra-marital affairs and events they really do not want to have in theri lives. It is very real, very dangerous to relationships, but can be helped at any stage of life! Knowledge is still power!