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I was reunited with my birth family over a year ago. While searching for them, I found an obituary article with my birth dads name in which I read he had passed away back in 2006. Even though I didn't know 100% that it was him I knew it in my heart that it was him and I cried for days. Once I found my birth family they confirmed that he had passed away. I never knew the man. He never saw me or asked for visits. He just left me like that, I don't even know if he saw any pictures of me. I later found out when I was born he was married and had kids of his own. I kind of understood why he did what he did but growing up I was still hurt and angry over it. There was a time where I hated him so much I told myself I would never look for him. But with time and healing I grew to learn forgiveness and love for him cause I can never change the fact that his blood runs through my veins. Once I learned he passed I was so confused by why I felt so sad. I never knew him! He never wanted me, he left me! Why did I feel like a huge train hit me???
I guess what I'm trying to say is, how do I deal with this? I thought I could get over it and him in a few weeks but it's been a year know and the pain still feels so fresh. Birth dads, do you forget us? Do you think he even loved me or cared about me? I don't know what I should feel towards him at this point. I miss him, I love him, I'm hurt by him, I'm confused by him...but all I want the most is to just see his face one time, to tell him I forgave him a long time ago and that I love him no matter what even if he never loved me. But he is the man that left me for good and I don't know what to do. :(
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peaceluvtrack
I was reunited with my birth family over a year ago. While searching for them, I found an obituary article with my birth dads name in which I read he had passed away back in 2006. Even though I didn't know 100% that it was him I knew it in my heart that it was him and I cried for days. Once I found my birth family they confirmed that he had passed away. I never knew the man. He never saw me or asked for visits. He just left me like that, I don't even know if he saw any pictures of me. I later found out when I was born he was married and had kids of his own. I kind of understood why he did what he did but growing up I was still hurt and angry over it. There was a time where I hated him so much I told myself I would never look for him. But with time and healing I grew to learn forgiveness and love for him cause I can never change the fact that his blood runs through my veins. Once I learned he passed I was so confused by why I felt so sad. I never knew him! He never wanted me, he left me! Why did I feel like a huge train hit me???
I guess what I'm trying to say is, how do I deal with this? I thought I could get over it and him in a few weeks but it's been a year know and the pain still feels so fresh. Birth dads, do you forget us? Do you think he even loved me or cared about me? I don't know what I should feel towards him at this point. I miss him, I love him, I'm hurt by him, I'm confused by him...but all I want the most is to just see his face one time, to tell him I forgave him a long time ago and that I love him no matter what even if he never loved me. But he is the man that left me for good and I don't know what to do. :(
(((Peaceluvtracks))) - I can understand of missing someone I never knew - in my case my bmom.
I don't know that I can give you much advice except to say that, at present, I am two years into reunion and find the more I get to know the family more it helps though conversely, still I will always feel sadness.
However, I just wanted to say that you are not alone in your feelings - it is very confusing. One thing about reunion is that all the paradoxes will come to the surface.
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