Suspected sexual acting out -a deal breaker?

Hi, I'm new to this group (this is my first post=) And I realize I may find more info on this topic as I search other threads, but here's what's on my mind: We've just made initial contact with a sw regarding a teen boy in our state. He sounds like a wonderful young man, and we'd be very willing to get to know him better in hopes of adopting him. But with every child we've ever inquired about, there is the inevitable sexual abuse history. We've had therapeutic foster care training, and I've worked in a group home for very troubled kids, so nothing really shocks me. So... in learning more about this boy, I was told there had been mention made of sexual acting out w/ his sister (a yr younger) when they were in their early teens. I don't know if this was based on something she said, or what, but we'll be finding out more in the upcoming weeks. According to the sw I spoke with it's only been called a suspicion, and she has not personally seen anything to indicate it's true, or that it's a part of his ongoing personality/or that he would be any type of threat to our young daughters (2, 3 & 4) She describes with great fondness, stating that he's very kind & caring and very much wants a family before he ages out. she said he has a great relationship with his foster parents, but they are elderly and would really like to see him adopted and in a family of his own. We'd like to be that family. Here's my question. Not knowing the individual boy, can you tell me at least that there is hope to be found here? Have you seen where kids in foster care with the "sexual acting out label" have successfully become part of families like ours? Or am I being naive? I just don't want to see this boy age out of FC over something that may or may not even be true. BUT like any good parent, I don't want to bring even a hint of danger to my other children. I want to give this kid a chance, and his worker and ours will determine if they feels we're a good fit. I guess I just want to hear that it's not out of the question. Again, I know you don't know the specific child, neither do I yet. And I want to be realistic. I just don't want to write him off too quickly. Ok, I think I'm rambling... I'd love to hear others' experiences with this.

Here's the question as I see it: It's not a matter of 'hope' that he's really a nice kid; it's whether you're willing to take the chance with your little ones that he won't act out. Isn't this it after all? Want an opinion.....I'll give you mine. Don't adopt any child younger than your youngest at home now. Ever. Never. BTDT and lived to tell the story...and not a nice story either. SW's can say this business of 'ohhhh, he's so nice, etc'. The fact is, lots of sexual predators act 'so nice'. Lots of them are sociopaths---they're experts at 'fooling' the best of 'em. Is this fair at this point? Perhaps not.......but keep in mind, you're not the only one adopting this child------so are your young, impressionable, innocent other children. You are there to protect them........and so, the question is more of, "Are you willing to take the chance with your very young children---that this teenager isn't going to act out with them'? I hope I don't come across as being harsh. I don't mean to. But, our family has seen it's share of cw'ers who don't tell the entire story......who simply 'sugar-coat' every kid in the hopes of getting them out of foster care and into a home---regardless of what they have to omit in order to make the child more----appropriate? If you go forward with this.....realize you are----truly----taking the risk with your other children. There IS no other way to look at it, IMO. Sincerely, Linny

Honestly if it were me I would not be willing to take the risk. Your girls are so little, too young to protect themselves. Too young to understand.

I don't think you're being harsh. You're speaking from experience and that's what I'm looking for. We've adopted 5 children (internationally) over the past 2 years and all have transitioned into our family beautifully. I don't want to push our luck, and absolutely don't want to take a chance with our little girls. And yes, that really is what it comes down to. Since adopting internationally, we have gotten a lot of criticism for not adopting kids in DFC (always from ppl who have NOT adopted kids from DFC themselves) Our hearts are very open to it, but inevitably we find out that they may be a danger to our current kids. I don't want it to be true, but I have yet to hear otherwise when inquiring about a kid in the dfc system. What the hell is wrong with Americans that use their kids and turn them into something other families have to FEAR, rather than be able to love them and parent them?? We all see the commercials and ads about the need for adoptive families, and WANT to step up for these kids. But the sexual stuff is just too much of a risk.

Sounds as if you have 2 boys as well (5 adoptions with 3 girls) -- there's risk for any newcomer to molest boys as well as girls. You also have a molestation risk in adoption from other countries, my friends are turning down a sibling set from another country because the older boy was involved in a sexual incident. Unclear if it was "going along with the group" or a pattern, so they're passing. You have risk of sexual molestation if you bring a girl into your home as well. As well as role-modeling overly sexualized behavior with other teens.There's risk of sexual acting out with younger children...10, 5, 4, yes I've seen it. I was offered 7-y-o boy twins recently with a history of acting out. I didn't take them because I had a 14-y-o boy, and was positive the twins could tag-team him and pester him. Really affirm the idea of birth order. I would never bring a teen boy or girl into a situation with little kids, unless a child I'd somehow known for years. Older children can bring unbelievable amounts of chaos, and abuse of every form: mental, physical, emotional, and be good at hiding it. Same for younger children, they can enter dedicated to keeping every apple cart upset, all day, every day. IMO, those children can do best as the only child, or youngest of much older children, where everyone is consciously parenting therapeutically.SWs can and do leave out great detail....

I have a somewhat different opinion. I'd really want to know more about what the allegations are. No one can give you any guarantees about any child, whether there's any history or not. I'm sure I'll get flamed for my opinions, so I've sent you a PM with my more clear thoughts. I would just hate to see anyone jumping to conclusions about a kid without much information.

We actually adopted out of birth order and have had zero problems. Granted our older adopted son is only 6, compared to the others being 2,3, 4, & 4. I've tried to keep my heart open to the individual, rather than the fear the stereotype. If we had stuck to the birth order rule of thumb we wouldn't have our amazing 6 y/o and he'd be in an institution in Eastern Europe today, instead he's putting up his first Christmas tree =) So in our case it was a good decision.While I don't want to be naive about this teen boy, (and I don't think I am. I've seen it all working in a residential treatment facility, BSU & psych center. I know the false charm & manipulation, and the overall havoc some kids can wreak. I'm def not talking about bringing one of them home to my houseful of littles. (we also have 4 bio sons, btw. 21, 19, 17, &13 two of whom are still at home)I don't want to wake up one day and realize I've made the biggest mistake of my life. But... again, at the risk of sounding naive, I guess I wondered if there's a "black dog" mentality with these kids? If they get labeled and never again looked at as an individual?I've got a lot more to learn about this kid in particular. No, I don't want to risk my other kids, boys or girls (I mentioned girls only b/c that was what the suspicion was in relation to. sadly, I'm all to aware that boys are at risk as well) The sad fact is there aren't nearly enough older couples/singles without young kids kids who are willing to adopt. We're willing and qualified, and a truly good family for a kid who would otherwise have no one. I don't want to become jaded against all older kids. That said, I respect that many parents have gone thru hell over this. I just don't want to make a blanket assumption about this kid until I've had a chance to learn more about him. I will keep you posted in the weeks ahead. Thank you all for your valuable feedback =)

Wondering if you have any update on what you decided? I have a similar experience but have no other children in the home. I have learned a lot in training the last few months regarding effects, signs to look for, treatment. In my case the issues are clear, there is a treatment plan with progress made and no other children in the house. From a FP standpoint it is very time intensive with the supervision rules. Trying to be very vague, if you want to talk more please PM me.

Linny, how long did it take before you started seeing the really big red flags? I'm sort of recalling it seemed to be around the year mark?

How verbal are your youngest two? At 2 and 3 do they have language skills that would allow them to tell you if something happened? Even your six year old may not yet have the English skills to tell you if something happens.

Lady, That 'one year mark' was for one of the other older adopted kids.....and that one wasn't sexually acting out at all. The other one had been with us for a VERY long time.......I have worked with kids who've been sexually abused; have studied in this area too; so it was a 'double-wammy' if you will to find out this had just started but was severe in some regards. It really took us back. To remark about the comments momraine has written regarding the age of the child to be verbal enough to tell: Sometimes, how verbal the child is doesn't matter. Even adults can be afraid enough NOT to tell....and the same holds true with children....even if their skills to talk are excellent. Believe me, our family can relate to that one........ The point is, while it might work out-----it's that MIGHT that should stare anyone in the face. The final question is: Are you---as an adult----who is given the responsibility to care for the little ones you already have-------willing to take the chance they'll be sexually abused. To me, the choice is clear...and we didn't adopt out of birth order......the fact is this: MOST of the kids in the foster care system have been sexually abused. Does that mean they'll abuse others? No......and that goes for kids who are NOT in the system who've been sexually abused. BUT....... The likelihood of an OLDER child....who's been in the system......who's going to be around much younger children........the likelihood is HIGH because there are SO many more issues in the mix that make that probability higher. Again, to me, the choice would be clear. Sincerely, Linny

If it were me, I would decline. I really hate to say that, because I know there are SO few people willing to adopt teenagers! Especially teen boys. But the way my husband and I see it is that our first responsibility is to the child(ren) we already have. If you didn't have any young children, then that would be a totally different story. But I personally would not take the risk for the children already in my care.

Rosey, I know this was some time ago you type this, but would love to speak to you about your experience running into situations at home with our newly placed child.