Birth Mother thinks I'm a spy

December 20, 2011

I'm a 26 year old adult adoptee in a closed (non-voluntary) adoption. I was removed from my bio parents when I was 7 months and spent about a year and a half in foster care with supervised visitation with my bio father. My bio mother almost never visited (including skipping the final two goodbye visits).

She contacted me on Facebook back in June. We only spoke for about a day and it went miserably.

I told her I wasn't angry, that I didn't blame her for anything. But she was so paranoid that it didn't matter. I mentioned that I'd found some of my other bio family because their names were all still the same (she's changed hers). She went nuts. She blames them all for my adoption...which is fine...but she's now refusing to speak to me because she basically believes I'm a spy for them and that I'm out to get her and her kids she's had since and ruin her life.

I live in BC Canada. I'm originally from the opposite coast (Ontario) and I have no intention of going back. I've never met any of the bio family since I moved here when I was 2 and I told her that.

She just couldn't stop going on and on and on about the adoption, no matter how many times I told her I didn't care, I just wanted to talk to her, I'm not a spy, I've never met them, I don't plan to meet them.

Then she blocked me.

We haven't spoken since.

It was devastating to say the least. I've spent my whole life waiting to talk to her and she threw me under the bus and then purposely ran over me a half dozen times.

I've been tempted to contact her again now that she's maybe had some time to calm down but I don't know if I should. :-/

luvbeingamom

December 20, 2011

I'm so sorry. Your bmom sounds like she may have a mental illness (perhaps undiagnosed). I know its hard, but try not to take it personally.

Advertisements

CRAZY_WOMAN

December 20, 2011

That sucks,she sounds like she has mental problems,it's not your fault.As with mental problems,she might befreind u again,but I wouldn't talk about family again,be careful and don't let her pull u into her world,if it's crazy.

RavenSong

December 20, 2011

I agree with the other posters -- it sounds like your birth mother may suffer from a serious form of mental illness, especially if she is as paranoid as she sounds. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now.

Out of curiosity, have you located your birth father yet?

Nyctimene

December 21, 2011

She probably does. I guess I just find it hard to accept that...that's it. 25 years of waiting, wondering and within 1 hour it's over forever. I feel in my mind like it's just a personality problem that she needs to get over and I know that isn't the fairest and I know that she's suffered too...but she's not the only one who has suffered and I wish she would realize that. :(

ladyjubilee

December 21, 2011

Nyctimene

I feel in my mind like it's just a personality problem that she needs to get over and I know that isn't the fairest and I know that she's suffered too...but she's not the only one who has suffered and I wish she would realize that. :(

I'm not an adoptee, so take this with a grain of salt.

Maybe some of the posts over on the Foster Parent board would help with understanding your birth mother's frame of mind. If her issues are like some of the families foster parents encounter, she may not be able to see outside of her own frame of reference. In otherwords, she may not be able to see your needs unless they reflect her own needs. In my experience with some of the families, its not that they don't want to, or just aren't....its more that they can't, just like someone with diabetes just can't control their blood sugar or someone that is paralyzed just can't get up and walk.