pregnant by date rape, best friend is adoptive mother

I really cannot agree more with Jillie. You aren't pregnant with someone else's baby, you are pregnant with YOUR OWN baby. She will be 100% fully yours and no one else's until and unless you sign a TPR. She is your baby, and I mean this in the gentlest way possible, you need to do right by your own baby. You need to decide for yourself whether you are comfortable with the kind of arrangement, whether you can actually live with it, and more importantly - is it in the best interests of your baby girl to be brought up not knowing who you are? If you don't think it's best for her or you, then please don't place with them. You are NOT bound to them and you don't owe them your baby. Only go ahead if you are 100% comfortable AND you honestly think it's best for baby girl as well. You are her only mum right now, so it's your parental responsibility to make the best parenting decisions for HER sake - not the potential Aparents right now. I know you are close, but baby must come first. And please let me say, I am saying this really gently. I can't iamgine how hard it is for you right now x

I'm going to chime in as an Adoptive mom. It is important that the child not find out all the sudden they are adopted, it should be a part of her story long before she knows the meaning of the word adoption. My son knew he was adopted at 2 y/o, he had no idea what that meant of course, but we made it something wonderful and something to be proud of. When he was an older 3 I started talking about how he had 2 mommies, since she is not in his life by her choice, I waited until he could conceptualize the story somewhat. He knows his tummy mommy's name and sees pictures. Does he still get what it is? Not completely, but he will never be surprised or shocked. Soon I will talk more about it trying to help him understand what adoption really means. You need to be the one telling them what your adoption plan might look like. If they aren't comfortable with the choices you make for your child, then it is not the best situation for THEM. The previous posters are right, this will forever change your relationship, it could be done, but it will be the 2nd hardest thing you have ever done. They need to be acknowledging your choice is the one that counts at this point, and that means acknowledging you to the child from the start. At least that sounds like it is what you really want to me.

I'm adopted and a first mom. I'm not saying you shouldn't choose adoption, but this isn't a good situation. Your daughter should grow up knowing she is adopted, who you are, and when she asks, in an age appropriate way, how she was conceived. If she doesn't know these things, she won't trust any of you. They need education and so do you about the impact of adoption on the mother and child. You all need to understand how adoption will complicate your relationship. They need to respect that you are the mother right now and that what you want is important as well. If that isn't happening, this isn't the right choice for you or your daughter. This is your baby, you get to call the shots right now, you need to INSIST on a few things that it sounds like you want and not just go along with what they want.

I will be living halfway access the country from the child I'm carrying. Sometimes they will be in a different country all together, because of AF new job. I won't be extremely involved in her life, like I said letters and pictures mostly. She won't know me well personally. I will know her, that's what I want. I am planning my life after all of this, ie. going back to school, getting married to my wonderful boyfriend, raising the children we already have from previous relationships etc. I have never felt attached to the baby, in fact, if T wasn't trying to adopt at the time I found out, I would have gone through an agency. I know God put this little girl in my womb at this time for this couple. I never questioned it, it was just His plan. After they move this spring, I will have very little opportunity for personal communication with this baby. I need to impress upon you all that this is the relationship I want. I would like her to know who I am, and I would like her to find out organically at an age that she can understand. I don't want my son finding out before I think he is at an age that he can fully comprehend my decision and what it means for him. This is the decision I have made for THEIR baby, and my own family. I just want to know what it'll be like emotionally to give her away, the days weeks and years afterward, what it'll mean for me, how to deal with it, how to live my life knowing that I gave away my son's sister (at least I'm sure that's how he'll see it). Anyone have a response to my actual question, instead of trying to change my mind about who she'll be going home with? Sorry if I sound angry, but I did not come here to be told that I'm doing the wrong thing, or thinking the wrong way, or feeling the wrong way about this baby. I came for support, and insight on what it'll be like afterward, so maybe I am a little angry.

Hi Angeleyes-- I couldn't agree more with what has already been said. [deleted] I guess all I can say is best of luck to you. (((((Angeleyes)))))

I strongly suggest seeking a counselor to talk through this. I think there are a lot of things that you really need to process. One date rape is still rape and that alone is tough to deal with. Adoption is hard on birthparents. I don't think there is anyone here that doesn't have hurt ans sad feelings about not being with their child. I knew girls that knew they never wanted children. That knew that they would choose adoption their entire pregnancy. It still hurts like hell though. It will always be part of you missing. I don't think anyone here was trying to be negative about your choice more that as people who have been there and done that things that are worrisome. This adoption is going to effect your son. He will have a sibling missing from his life. Anyways I strongly encourage you to seek a counselor.

Angel, None of us are trying to upset you. Support doesn't always come in lovey dovey, you are doing the right thing, your child won't be affected, this will all be beautiful posts. You're talking to people that have lived adoption. Not a single one of us that placed our child was in a perfect place in our life. We all placed for some pretty monumental reasons. Are you getting counseling for the rape? That might help with some of this. Your daughter will have a brother. Your son may want to know his sister. I know I wish I could have known my siblings growing up. You can't have too much family. Your daughter can't have too many people that love her. Your son is old enough now to realize that you are pregnant correct? Do you have a plan about how you are going to tell him where his sister is? My other question is this.... ultrasounds are wrong sometimes, what if the baby is a boy? Do you have a plan then? Will your friends still want the baby since it seems like they are set on a girl?

Angel, I'm sorry you feel that way....I certainly never meant to say what you should or shouldn't do. If you feel in your heart that you WANT to place, then I think that that is what you should do. Many of us are just bringing things up so that you know that some decisions ARE still your right. Beleive me, I DO know how delicate this relationship is. I am always nervous when asking Cupcake's Mom for more than I may think that she's ready to give...proposing we have a visit for instance. It can be very scary, so many of us on this thread know that. I think what most of us are saying is that even if you're set on placing this is still your child for now. And if your choice for YOUR CHILD is that they know who you are, that's your right. You should definitely be able to voice that. When I placed, I didn't go through an agency. I didn't think my daughter would care who I was. I didn't understand that I could be an important person in her life. There are SO MANY things I wish I knew before I placed her. If I knew them, would it have changed whether or not I placed? Maybe. Maybe not. So changing your mind CERTAINLY isn't my goal. It's just to provide as much information as I wish that I had five years ago...I've been down the road. Also, I don't know what state you're in, but some states have legally enforceable open adoptions, where you could standardize how much communication you'll have about your daughter. Would that be something you could discuss with the potential adoptive parents?Because of the nature of your current relationship, I would absolutely encourage all of you to go to counseling to have someone help you navigate what is nearly certain to be a major shift if the relationship. This isn't to change your mind, just to educate you ALL.Best of luck!

Angel..I wish you and your children the best, no matter what your choice is. I chose to place my daughter, whose father is married to someone else. when I went into labor, the father had told his wife, which he said he would never do, and they had decided that they wanted to raise the baby..but they planned to never tell her she was adopted or that I was her mother or any of the circumtances, and told me that I was banned from participating in her life or even getting pictures and updates. I have extremely open adoptions with two other children. most importantly, the children know each other and spend time together. if that is something you desire, then fight for it. your child deserves to know that you did the best you could for them. ( my daughter was placed through guardianship rather than adoption. )

I think it's safe to say that the friendship will undergo a drastic change post-relinquishment, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if very little friendship remained after a few years. Relinquishing and adoption are supremely delicate and complicated, far more so than friendship. Of course, I could be wrong.

I have seen this scenario played out several times over the years...and it never had a good outcome in terms of retaining the friendships. If you place your baby with your best friend, it WILL most likely change your relationship with her forever. I hope you've received counseling from a qualified rape-crisis counselor or outreach worker. Being a rape survivor can carry some pretty heavy repercussions in terms of the emotional toll it takes on you. It's important to reach out to a qualiifed therapist to help you heal emotionally from the date rape. Since you have no desire to parent this child, I really don't know what long-term effects might happen in terms of your own sense of loss or grief in the future. I've known hundreds of birth mothers over the past 40 years. Many of them have long-term regrets and grief...but I don't know if the grief and sense of loss is correlated to the strength of the desire to parent our relinquished babies or notall the birth/first moms I've known wanted to parent their children but couldn't find a way to do so, so that may make a difference in the levels of emotional pain and grief. I wish you luck on your journey. I do strongly encourage you to obtain some form of counseling not only for the rape but also to help you deal with the decision to relinquish your baby daughter in an emotionally healthy manner.

I'm not in the same situation that you are in, so I can't tell you exactly how you will feel afterwards. However, I didn't have a relationship with the babies dad and tried to have very little emotional connection to the baby that I considered someone elses baby from pretty much day one. Even knowing that he wasn't MY baby, going home without him was painful, the first few days after I got home were horrible, there were times when I literally couldn't breath, because it hurt to much, because he was gone. I would say don't be surprised if you hurt, and if it is hard, even though you are at peace with the decision that you have made. Give yourself time to mourn, be sad and know that it does get easier. I would also say don't expect to just be able to "move on" or go back to "normal" because you may not be able to. There may have to be an adjustment to what you consider "normal", but maybe it will help that you know in your heart that you have done what is best for the baby. I would also say, based on what I have read posted by adoptees, that there may come a time when she looks for you and wants to know certain things, so that is something to keep in the back of your mind. I wish you well, and hope that things work out in the best possible way for all of you. :-)

I think you are an amazing girl to take such a beautiful decision and to feel that this babe was put into your womb to be your bestfriend child. I am sure it is and she is meant to be their daughter. Is nice you want to move on from the experience of being raped and build a family you chose with the children you choose in it. My mother has a cousin that was adopted, she was a small baby, the bio mother didn't have the money to raise her so she gave her to her bestfriend that had only boys and no girl. The bio mom baptized the girl and saw her sometimes as they live in different cities. Tje girl grew up never knowing she wax adopted, they wanted her to feel that she was compactly part if them, and so she is a very happy woman that love her parents so much , she thinks age born from their love and desire to have a girl . The bio mother is happy to be the godmother and friend. Sometimes we don't need to tell all the truth if that will bring pain and confusion , plus you don't needher to know you are her bio mom cause her mom will be your friend and love and care is beyond us making someone see what we did good . Give and let it be , you are already giving this child a gift , let them be a whole family and decide what they will tell the child. You did your part which is to give love to your friend and this baby. You don't need to take the credit by telling the child you are her bio mother, plus it will be beautiful for you to seeva part of you being a part of your bestfriend. That's love. Good lucky with your new family. And be sure you are on the righ path.

Also I don't believe your son will have a sibling missing from his life like others told you here. Blood and genetic connection are not more important than life connection. She will be their daughter, they will raise her, and love her. Your son will have the children of your boyfriend to be his siblings, they will go through life together in the sane household, a family is made of love and sharing not of blood relation. Let your son out of it , he can have other brothers and sisters from you or your marriage. If you will give the girl to your friend than do so with your heart. You will know she is in good hands that you did thebest thing for her and let them be. My mom's cousin is very happy and her bio mother had other kids with a new marriage and she is satisfied to know her daughter is happy , she has no need to tell her who she is, cause would only cause her pain. Your situation is also very delicate , imagine your son knowing you were raped? How much pain? And she knowing she came from rape? Why ? We all can live in harmony and love and don't bring our pain into our children. Good lucky again.

I would have to agree with this. It is important to tell them when they are old enough ask, that means they are old enough to know (minus the whole date rape).