How do you cope?

Reunions are challenging even under the very best circumstances, I cannot imagine how hard it would be if my son was accusing me of lying and sending combative emails. Has your son explained why he thinks you are lying to him? Are there any sort of extenuating circumstances (emotional issues/substance abuse, etc.) that would cause him to react this way? It is not uncommon for anger to come up when adoptees reunite. It sounds like this may be the case with your son, and he has a lot of anger that he does not know how to process appropriately, and he is taking it out on you. It has to be very difficult to cope with this, as I know you have always loved your son and had high hopes that reconnecting with him would go more smoothly. How old is your son? And when did you reunite?

I really don't understand why my son has accused me of lying. He would refuse to tell me why. I did have a little bit of contact with his adoptive parents for a while and they had years of problems with him which started soon after their son was born. If he didn't get his own way he would kick off so they would chuck money at him and give him whatever he wanted. His adoptive mother thought he was on drugs when he was college but couldn't prove it as he wasn't living at home. They even tried therapy for my son but he only turned up a couple of times. His adoptive parents did tell me not to take his behaviour personally and that they blamed themselves for it. That just made me feel guilty even though it's not my fault. I wonder at times if he was taking it out on me for him being adopted as he hates being adopted. Apparently he was angry on one occasion when his adoptive parents told friends in front of him that he was adopted. My son always knew he was adopted but kicked off on that occasion so they never did it again. My son is 30 and we reunited in late 2004.

You may have to use a "tough love" approach with your son. I know it's scary to stand up for yourself when our grown kids can just turn their backs on us for any reason at all...but you need to have some respect for yourself. Otherwise your son isn't going to respect you in the long run.If you've been in reunion since 2004, I think the kid gloves can come off. Try to have an open, honest discussion with your son about his lies and accusations. Also, if you haven't had an opportunity to read The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier, you should pick up a copy. It might help you understand a little bit of what your son is going through inside his head.

Thank you for the suggestion and I will try to get a copy. I read Coming Home to Self a few years ago which helped a bit.

I want to ask you something lost. This may not be on point for this post and if you are uncomfortable talking about it or dont want to answer then please ignore me. When your son says these terrible things, what is it exactly that hurts you? Is it the fact that your son is saying them, or is it the things that he is saying?

Allon - it's a bit of borh I suppose. What doesn't help is my sister has told him some stuff about me that simply isn't true and I proved that I was telling the truth. It's as if he is scared of getting close to me,

The hurt from him saying these things I can completely understand. There’s just no way a person you love saying terrible things to you can be made to feel ok. Being hurt by the things he is saying is a different matter. To me that makes it seem as if you are accepting these labels that are being put on you, at least to some degree. If they’re not true the labels shouldn’t hurt. As a child I had a relative (again, not my parents) who said many hurtful things. I was told how ugly I was. I was told what a loser I was and would end up on skid row while he, who would be a great success, would never help me. Crazy things, at one point even holding a knife to my throat and talking about what he wanted to do with it. It was hurtful that he said them, but even at a young age the things he said never affected me. I realized even then that I wasn’t the problem, he was. I’m no psychologist, but if I’m reading this right it is my hope that part of you can be made to feel better, and it’s a part that is under your control. There are no throwaways in life lost, not ever. Sometimes people do throw valuable things away. This doesn’t make them any less valuable, it makes the person who threw them kind of dumb.

I understand what you're getting at and I need take control over how I feel about myself. Most of my life my mother was verbally abusive towards me telling me how worthless I was, being compared to my 'perfect' older sister, I could do no right, often accused of being a liar amongst other things. This is why I get tetchy about being accused of lying then having to prove I have told the truth. My dad would stick up for me when he could. Eventually I did distance myself from her when I got married. I know I'm not a bad person though :D Just a throway mother is related to a blog entry here [url=http://yourblogs.hannahsplace.org.uk/page/11/]Life's never ending journey ….[/url] with the title Throwaway society, throwaway mothers