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I am mom to a fabulous girl through domestic adoption. We have an open adoption and I feel things are going well in developing our relationship with the birth family.
In addition to our formal updates and 1st visit (of 2 in the first year) we have had a lot of email contact with birth mom and her family.
She has given us a number of pictures of herself and family as a child, and a picture of her and birth dad with our daughter the day she was born. It is a lovely picture of the three of them. We also have a picture of the 4 parents (us and them) but unfortunately not with baby.
I would like to put it in my daughter's room. I'm unsure about this though.... First, I often hear/read that this is my daughter's story. I'm hesitant to share pictures of my daughter's birth family with our extended family (I haven't thus far). I don't know what our daughter might feel in this regard.
Should I asked Birthmom how she feels? We haven't heard from birthdad (we have sent our formal update packages) so I can't ask him. We do have gifts from birth family in her room already.
My husband's family is struggling with open adoption. His mother and aunt are both adopted. They are closed adoptions and are struggling with our open adoption.
Thoughts? Are there other things I should be considering?
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I wanted to put a picture of my DD's birthmother in her room also. We have a semi-open adoption that actually started out as more of a closed adoption. We didn't have any pictures of her or her other children so I had to ask for a picture anyways but I did ask if she would mind if I printed a picture of her (if she would send me one that she liked) to put in my daughters room. She sent me one she liked of herself and seemed VERY thankful that I would want a picture of her in our daughters room! I think you should mention it to her and see what she says. We are not sharing her name or anything else with anyone until our daughter is old enough to share the story herself but I don't see any harm in displaying the picture now.
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I'm all for privacy in details, but I don't think that extends to having a picture of her bparents in her bedroom. If my kids had any pics, I'd have them up for them & now as they are older, they could make a decision to take it down if they wanted to.
If you are already open about things thus far, this doesn't seem out of line with what you are already doing, kwim? Your parents will either have to get over it, or not go into her room where the picture is if it bothers them that much.
As far as the extended family goes, I don't know. Every family relationship is so different so it might be on a person/person basis?
I'd put the pictures up. Her birthparents are a part of her life. Everyone knows she has birthparents, it's not like you found her under a rock right?
As far as extended family, just don't share details. As a first mom I don't care that Kiddo's grandparents, aunts, uncles, or whoever know what I look like. I do care if they find out personal details of my life, which they have and has put HUGE strain on my relationship with his mom and dad.
It's all in the details.
If the adoption is open, then Id say it is absolutely fine to put a picture up. We have an OA with my sonҒs bmom. In his room is a pic of my husband and I with him and his bdad the day we met him (he was 1.) Almost every night we say good night to her. It is also something that make the relationship seem just everydayӔ to my 3 yo son, and also to my older 6 year old son. She is a part of our lives, a very important person to him, and therefor there is a pic of her hanging, just like many other pictures of other family members hang in our house.
As far as your familythatŒs hard. ((hugs)) I have come to realize that until you are a part of an OA, you dont really understand. People think itҒs weirdӔ or not naturalӔ and will confuse the child. Tons and tons of research geared toward the adoptee show otherwise, and if that is what you think is best for your daughter, than you just need to keep doing what you are doing, and your family will come around. And maybe try to explain why you are choosing OAnot lecturing them, but maybe just give them some food for thought here and there.
Good Luck!!
We've always had a picture framed in each of our boys' rooms. Each picture shows our sons with us and their respective birthmoms on the days we met. Like the previous poster, we often point to the pictures, talk about them, pray for them, or just wave. I know when our youngest son's birthmom knew we did this with our 1st son, it made her feel "good" and confident that we were committed to an OA.
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