BStepmom

IWonder12 My sister is in your situation. She is the instigator to keep her husband's relationship going with his bdaughter and has become closer to his bdaughter than he has. I had posted somewhere about it and that sometimes it seems like she has the easier reunion but I would have lost respect and trust with my husband if he didn't step up the way he has with his bdaugher.

You know if you had read the whole thread, the OP had processed much of her emotions regarding the reunion and had come to a place of acceptance with the situation. Every FAMILY is different and the Adoptee in this one is a part of her Family. The Adoptee is going to have to take the Family into consideration as well. Please have the open mind that you are asking her to have.

I'm going to make a little side note as a contradiction to the argument. Their time together, whether with me and my kids or without me and my kids, ALWAYS, without exception, included her husband and her kids. AND that through all but 5 months of this two year reunion, my husband was unemployed and had all of that time while I was at work and they were here visiting. Only one of my bchildren was living at home at the time and she had a job and a full time school schedule. There was NOTHING in any of this that I have posted that EVER denied them time together. EVERYTHING I posted was about 'family' activities that excluded my bchildren. Just saw your post LibbyHawkins. Thanks for hearing.

I am sorry if you were offended. It's not easy and I can see that you are invested in making things better. Obviously I hit a nerve. I can only speak about what I know. I certainly don't have the answer nor do I want to make judgments that upset you.

I did read the whole thread by the way.

In answer to your question about what makes it different is the fact that your immediate blended family is intact. You have each other. There are many of you and more often than not one adopted person who is trying to understand why they were given up or trying to find out about the person who is their biological parent. In my opinion and it's only an opinion it will take time and reassurance to build relationships with the other members of the family. The person reuniting is sometimes overwhelmed by large numbers of people who want to get to know them.

I appreciate your opinion. I may not understand it or agree with it, but I appreciate it. Here is my question and maybe you can give me a perspective that I'm not seeing. I'm not talking about why my husband's daughter wasn't interested in my bkids. I understand that. Honestly, she also hasn't had any interest in the son we have together, either. I don't think my interest would be any different in her shoes than her interest was. This is about my husband. I understand why what happened happened and it isn't a situation in my world that needs resolution anymore. This is from the hypothetical because across the board, posters on this board felt it was ok for my husband to exclude my bkids. I had one poster state 'maybe he just wanted time with his bio kids'. That wasn't what happened but, if it was, then our marriage and our family was a lie and game over. I am having a very difficult time comprehending adoptees on here feeling there was nothing wrong with him excluding them. I'm not looking from his daughter's point of view. I'm looking from his, as their dad. As an adoptee, with aparents, where is it ok for your parents to exclude you from any part of your family because of your genetics? If an aparent had bkids and singled their adopted child out and excluded them because of genetics, shame on them! Seriously and big time, shame on them! They had no right to adopt. There is no difference for my husband. He made the commitment, he verbalized the commitment, he lived the commitment to them. Shame on him if he turned his back on them for any reason simply because of their genetics. There are better, much better ways to make it work for everyone without singling out and excluding anyone.

I agree with you in the sense that people "should" not exclude children. There is nothing more cruel. Thank you for listening. I appreciate that.I did not face that because I was an only adopted child. So there were no comrades growing up or siblings with whom to measure my treatment in comparison. There was no one to talk about the whispers and secrets or to "be" in the same shoes. It was hard. I knew subconsciously when people were talking about me or my situation and it drove me nuts.But "shoulds" and what actually happens in many cases leaves much to be desired. As an adoptive person in my opinion getting to know my birthfather's stepchildren would come after my desire to know my siblings. I would appreciate the whole family and likely be open to meeting anyone after I had established a relationship or at least attempted to establish a relationship with him and my biological siblings.However that's from adoptive person's perspective. If I try and put myself in your husband's role it's difficult. I am not wired as a male but I will give it a go. I would hope I would realize that I have given up a child and when that child came knocking I would hope I would be sensitive to their insecurities in the beginning and recognize that my relationship with biological children or children I have parented may stand as an contradiction to what I had provided to the adopted child. At least in the beginning.I know that many men had little to say in what occurred. If the birth couple were not married or there was difficulty often it was left up to the female to deal with the decision about whether to give the child up or not. Often it was considered a fault or a limitation in character to have fathered a child and walked away. But not always. Some men did and didn't give it a second thought. Somehow it may have been easier for a man. I don't know.I would also sit everyone down in my current family I would hope and explain to them that I loved each and every one of them and that getting to now the adopted child would not replace any of them. I would explain that I had a responsibility now that this child had found me to attempt to build a bond if it was at all possible. I would explain that I realized there was no way I could replace all of the years where I was there for them and not for that child. I would ask them to be open and frank if they were feeling left out because that is not my intention.Then I would take my time and try to explain to the adopted child what was going on at the time. My birth father did and he did so with humility. He also told me that he didn't come to find me because he didn't think it would be fair to come and find me and take me away from the family he wanted to believe loved me as he would have.It would complicate things tremendously to have the woman I had conceived this child with in the picture when I was getting to know the child. It would put me in a bizarre place. We all know things happen, sex for the sake of it and that relationships dissolve but it would still be awkward. I don't think it would be fair to try to "heal" that situation especially if I was in another relationship because it would be too difficult.There would be too many unresolved issues and you can't re-write history so I would explain as sensitively as I could that I want to focus on getting to know the adopted child.God, I am exhausted just thinking about it let alone living it. Seriously it's like twisting your head into a Freudian knot. But it's good because it helps me see how difficult the situation is from the other perspective. My hat's off to you for all of the effort you have put forth.

I agree with you in the sense that people "should" not exclude children. There is nothing more cruel. Thank you for listening. I appreciate that.I did not face that because I was an only adopted child. So there were no comrades growing up or siblings with whom to measure my treatment in comparison. There was no one to talk about the whispers and secrets or to "be" in the same shoes. It was hard. I knew subconsciously when people were talking about me or my situation and it drove me nuts.But "shoulds" and what actually happens in many cases leaves much to be desired. As an adoptive person in my opinion getting to know my birthfather's stepchildren would come after my desire to know my siblings. I would appreciate the whole family and likely be open to meeting anyone after I had established a relationship or at least attempted to establish a relationship with him and my biological siblings.However that's from adoptive person's perspective. If I try and put myself in your husband's role it's difficult. I am not wired as a male but I will give it a go. I would hope I would realize that I have given up a child and when that child came knocking I would hope I would be sensitive to their insecurities in the beginning and recognize that my relationship with biological children or children I have parented may stand as an contradiction to what I had provided to the adopted child. At least in the beginning.I know that many men had little to say in what occurred. If the birth couple were not married or there was difficulty often it was left up to the female to deal with the decision about whether to give the child up or not. Often it was considered a fault or a limitation in character to have fathered a child and walked away. But not always. Some men did and didn't give it a second thought. Somehow it may have been easier for a man. I don't know.I would also sit everyone down in my current family I would hope and explain to them that I loved each and every one of them and that getting to now the adopted child would not replace any of them. I would explain that I had a responsibility now that this child had found me to attempt to build a bond if it was at all possible. I would explain that I realized there was no way I could replace all of the years where I was there for them for that child. I would ask them to be open and frank if they were feeling left out because that is not my intention.Then I would take my time and try to explain to the adopted child what was going on at the time. My birth father did and he did so with humility. He also told me that he didn't come to find me because he didn't think it would be fair to come and find me and take me away from the family he wanted to believe loved me as he would have.It would complicate things tremendously to have the woman I had conceived this child with in the picture when I was getting to know the child. It would put me in a bizarre place. We all know things happen, sex for the sake of it and that relationships dissolve but it would still be awkward. I don't think it would be fair to try to "heal" that situation especially if I was in another relationship because it would be too difficult.There would be too many unresolved issues and you can't re-write history so I would explain as sensitively as I could that I want to focus on getting to know the adopted child.God, I am exhausted just thinking about it let alone living it. Seriously it's like twisting your head into a Freudian knot. But it's good because it helps me see how difficult the situation is from the other perspective. My hat's off to you for all of the effort you have put forth.

The other piece to this puzzle is that women often define themselves in relation to their position in a group and the impact of the group often directs behaviour. Women are more invested in "connectivity" and take more responsibility more often for the well being of the family unit or whatever.This is not always the case but generally we do "keep" the binds that tie. We are often the people who plan events etc. and the men just tag along to please us. There are exceptions and some men take the steering wheel. But generally that seems to be the case.Following that women also look internally for explanations when things go wrong where men externalize the locus of control blaming situations or other people, not having enough time, luck etc.Bear in mind this is theory and there are always variances and contradictions. Generally women tend to blame themselves where a man will not become so introspective.That's why I think it's easier for a male to take a laissez faire attitude and not get so twisted up in the emotional component of his actions. We tend to measure our impact on others more intensely. Generally speaking of course. That's why I think the onus of blame and shame etc often falls on the female side of the deal. Women take on responsibility for a greater number of what they see as "failures" in extended family relationships etc where sometimes men don't even fathom the issue.It's nature vs. nurture as well. If you come from a family you tend to act as you have seen done. So sometimes it's the man who has taken on the role of "keeper of the family ties". Historically women have been deemed "wanton" for sexual exploits and measured harshly whereas men are admired in comparison for the same behaviours. So they don't see themselves as having done anything so terrible. Women bear the child therefore the situation often falls in their laps and they have to go away to hide the fruit of their exploits where a man doesn't.Thats why it's so often happens I suppose that women are blamed. It's the Madonna/whore scenario and it's 2012. It's like when the house is in a mess. It's usually the woman who feels some shame about it if company is coming. I don't know about everyone's house but it's often that I am the one who is rushing around to straighten up and commandeering everyone else wondering why they aren't mortified.I don't know if all of this muddles or clarifies but I thought I would put it out there. I am hiding behind a shield waiting for people to tell me all of the contradictions because there are many and thankfully there has been a shift in awareness. I am speaking generally here in some respects historically.

It was a lot to ask to have you twist your head from being a woman and adoptee to being a bdad who is a father to an eclectic bunch. That would be a brain twister but you pulled it off pretty well. My husband did and does approach this as a stereotypical male. He didn't act from an awareness of his daughter's needs, the other kids needs, or my needs. He was strictly running on excitement and emotion and bouncing like a pin ball. I can say that with a smile now. I didn't have any idea what was happening so I wasn't smiling so much when we were in the heat of it. We were all naive and had no idea what we were doing, including my husband. My husband always believed he would get to meet his daughter someday but I don't think he ever played it out. He is very much a 'it'll all work out and I will deal with it when it comes' kind of man. Thanks for the great post.

I tell you that I appreciate your input here and I really mean it. You and some of the other posters on here have been INVALUABLE in helping me see from other perspectives and helping me get clarity on what was or is happening. I told my husband at one time that it was like I have a bunch of splinters and if I ignore them they get infected and sore and I have to get them out. It was about each of the incidents that had happened through all of this that would play over in my mind and I couldn't find an explanation for them that I could feel any peace with. This site was my antibiotic. The incidents don't play over in my mind at all.

You're welcome and thank you for enticing me to put the shoe on the other foot so to speak. It helped me realize that I have asked a lot of my birthparents. It was hard to imagine myself on the receiving end of having the past come back to pat me on the shoulder. I am sure it's been challenging for you and your husband beyond anything I can imagine. Sometimes it's not a bad thing to put yourself in another role in all of this. I think that fact that I may have offended you was the catalyst. I think that's a major fear for any of us who are adopted. Offending someone. It was hard even though this is just a forum to think I had upset someone. I think many men are in the same boat. They don't worry the way women do and play everything out in their heads a thousand times before saying or doing something. Or maybe it's just people who aren't all that secure that do that. I wish sometimes I were oblivious and didn't worry so much.

Wow! Once the conversation opened up with my husband's daughter, that's the thing she said a few times. She was afraid she had offended me. Honestly, I had completely dismissed that. I wasn't coming from a place at that point of worrying about whether I was offended or not. I was just using it as a jumping board for honesty. That explains A LOT!

I am not sure whether all adoptees are afraid to offend but I know I worry and second guess myself. It used to be my worst fear to upset someone. I don't know what the outcome I thought might occur was. As I've become more mature it's not as important but in cases like this where you know there is a lot of emotion involved and people are fragile it's still there. I spent a lot of time mulling conversations over and sometimes feel a bit stifled when I am talking to them hoping that I don't sound too needy or pitiful...or something.