AA adoption and my not-so-diverse town

That's too bad, good to see you still pursued finding a diverse area. The Oreo name calling is not unique to your situation, but Black kids 9with Black parents) who go to school with other Black kids usually from a lower socioeconomic area can get tagged with that term too. A similar termed usage is "talking white" or "acting white" As if there is such a thing, I know its from ignorance, but I also know its from the Jim Crow/slavery aspect. One aspect with slavery/Jim Crow days was such treatment such cause suspicion in those days, and other aspect I learned recently is that Blacks were punished by white town members if they are caught trying to act or live live a white person. The first time my son was called an Oreo that is what we discussed, we live in an upper middle class area.. the middle school pulled from various areas to include the lower socioeconomic area. I am Black, and so are my kids.

My teenaged guys (black and white) get hit with it from too many people from all directions. We live in the middle of diversity in every direction, mostly. Segregated neighborhoods can be found, if that's what you are looking for, just don't plan on leaving your street. Even those that I know love them make stereotypical comments, or give looks, or make "sounds", and are often angry about it, not to mention friends, classmates, strangers. Especially from their older relatives, men in particular, which really ticks me off. "why do you have to act so white" "why do you have to act so black" Simply for the way they talk, dress or the type of music or car, activity, education, etc. they may like at the moment. They speak up and I back them up, they usually laugh about it (cause they know it's idiotic). But they always come tell me what dumb racist (or sexist) thing was said today by who. And it's an everday thing. Often it's the first thing they say when they walk in the door -":woohoo: hey mom, guess what such and such said!" I guess we have more reasons than some to notice it or run across it. Sort of like you don't really notice how many diaper commercials are on TV until you have to use them. It always ends up in a conversation with us. Sometimes I wonder if they tell me cause they know I "like" talking about it or they know it upsets me, they get a kick out of upsetting me.:rolleyes: Might be because I say something like "ohh they suck!" and they enjoy that reinforcement. Could be the hugs and mushy mom talk... I think mostly they "like" talking about it too. I know it leads them to think in certain ways especially when people like uncles/cousins that they like or even admire say such things. I've seen it in their eyes as they dim a bit. I've found the need many times to help guide them away from that thinking. Uncle Skippy says going to college is acting white. :grr: Uncle Bob says dating another race is acting white/black, depending.:rolleyes: It's constant crap like that now that they are older. The dating comments and "advice" are the worst. Defiance and disrespect for your elders with a little understanding of ignorance and forgiveness is a good thing to teach sometimes, right? I hope so. Too many times just this year I have said something like "Good grief I wouldn't worry about that, look hard at who is saying it!" "Think like Uncle Skippy = you could end up like Uncle Skippy, yikes" "Think like Unc Bob = you could end up with a psychotic orange witch sleeping next to you!" I have a good feeling about this upcoming adult generation making big changes with this kind of crap. I think they have more knowledge (and will gain even more due to all the new history coming out more and more) than the generation before them. Which reminds me :) Don't miss this one! HBO Feb. 14th 9pm [url=http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/the-loving-story/video/directors-interview.html]HBO: Documentaries: Watch The Loving Story videos including trailers, previews & clips on HBO.com.[/url] [url=http://blogs.fredericksburg.com/newsdesk/2012/02/06/film-retells-lovings%e2%80%99-love-story/]Film retells Lovings’ love story - The News Desk[/url] I know you're going to love it.:clap: I hope the celebrations this year will be HUGE and EVERYWHERE!! [url=http://www.lovingday.org/]Loving Day fights racial prejudice through education and builds multicultural community. | Loving Day[/url]

This thread keeps popping into my head as I'm playing with my little guy and I think about how we got to this point.We started out to do the China Adoption bit. We we're 'orphan parents' and we figured we'd fight back. I've worked with 'troubled teens' for 25 years and a good percentage of them were 'failed adoptions'. The biggest issue always seemed to be reactive attachment. They just never bonded with their adoptive parents.So we wanted as young a child as we could get, knowing that as older parents it might be tough to get a newborn. With that in mind we were open to any race and China seemed the best option for a younger child. Naturally after pouring all the money in the wait got longer and longer, and technically we're still in line over 6 years after our logged in date.About three years after starting that process we looked into domestic adoption. Again, open to any race, figuring younger was best for bonding. We spent all that money and got the process going, hoping some young mother would choose us. We were willing to do the open adoption bit etc.The Mrs. goes off to Liberia as a volunteer nurse. While she's there an African American mom picks us and we get the word. We have to be ready to move fast once the baby is born. A bit more money goes away with no promises she won't change her mind. But we're not getting any younger.In the meantime the Mrs. finds Matthew abandoned and left to die and she makes the decision to intervene. I talk to the folks about the domestic adoption as we've committed to this birth mom and if we need to do two at once, we can handle it. But legally we can't do two adoptions at one time we are told, while getting blasted for 'backing out', even though we didn't. We learn later the birth mom chose to keep the baby anyway so it wouldn't have mattered, but it stung to get lectured for not doing it right.Of course the battle with immigration goes on for over two years because we didn't do Matthew's 'adoption' right either.And in my tired and weaker moments, these discussions get in my head, and it's easy to start to wonder if doing the right thing, was the right thing no matter how we did or do it.Ugh. Guess I better read less and parent more.

At this point, these discussions are for prospective parents considering tras. Real talk in adoption can be tough, but with this subject, one is not necessarilly saying White parents can not successfully raise kids who are non White. The main point is preparation, and really when the kids are small I note White parents start experiencing that transition to being a family of color..due to the immense bond with their child. That is a part of the preparation IMO. What I am not understanding is why the sensitivity in race talks? Whites in this county are in a privileged position over minorities, our history says so. There are many factors still lingering, as a Black woman I have seen such. In raising my Black kids, i am reminded that their ethnic identity is important. To adopt a child who is non White, it's imperative for the parent to place theirself in their shoes. So Guppy, the same way I look at my same race DD, it's very easy to not address the fact that she has a bio family.however I am doing a disservice to her and her history, if I try to avoid such. At six I see where she is trying to process how her two families fit in her young mind. I can enjoy my DD, she is and will always be family. We can celebrate our children, and still prepare,..i did/do that with my bio kids too..this is just a different type of tweeking. Babies grow up.

I adopted two biracial kids (AA/Latino) lived in a very diverse area of Los Angeles, raised both my kids among many ethnicity diverse groups, especially other mixed families.NOW....we live in Beijing, China. I have some AA, Indian and South African friends I work with that they see and they have two friends who are from Africa, other than that all their friends from school and in the neighborhood are Chinese. I have to say, that my kids are LOVING China, and while China isn't really ethnically that diverse as a country Beijing is a very international city with people from all over the world living here. I raised my girls to love themselves, their hair, their skin etc. I believe that they are actually adjusting really well here and frankly are more at peace here than they were in the states. My kids have always been really popular, both in the US and in China, but in China, (at least Beijing) people really don't care about color, or hair, or ethnic background, its mildly fascinating to them, but really they are honest, loving people who want to just be friends with my girls. My kids do get a lot of attention, but usually its because people care about them, like the grannies who guard the elevator (old people sitting around playing Mahjong on our floor) who won't let the girls go down the elevator unless they approve of the amount of clothes they are wearing during the winter. So...I have raised my girls in an ethnically diverse area and now a mono-cultural/International area and they really haven't changed their idea of who they are and what they are that much. They love their brown skin and they love their family. A TRA family can and does work. And at the end of the day its not as much about where you live or what you provide for your kids as much as it is about how YOU frame your family and its history, beliefs and values. While this point maybe argued, when a child is transracially adopted they become, by adoption, part of you, your ethnicity and your background, your ancestors become theirs etc. conversely you adopt their background, ethnicity and history. So you become mixed, no matter the color of anyone's skin the culture, the family and the over riding philosophy is one of mixed heritage. So, the oreo thing might not be a nice thing to say, but lets face it, TRAs are oreos, really. Your TRA kid will not have and the same experience full race families have and neither will you have an all CC experience, it will be AA/CC or in our case AA/CC/Latino So while finding black places is important, they never have been as much interest to my children as meeting other transracial families and mixed groups has been, this is just my experience.My oldest daughter loves her brown skin!!!! She thinks it absolutely beautiful and doesn't want to be pink like her Mom, but she doesn't want a brown mom either, she doesn't long for a family that looks just like her (she does have a brown sister) she likes the family she has and is very confident with that family and her identity within it and the world. Although her major complaint to me is that I don't wear enough sparkly clothes. My youngest really hasn't verbalized her feelings yet, so we will see what she has to say when the time comes. I know that I am prepared for all of it....as any TRA family should be. And truthfully thats the only real prep you need to do is be prepared to face whatever comes, it may or may not come, but be prepared. If your child gravitates towards being with people of color, support it and build upon it, if that is not as important to them, (in my oldest daughter's case it isn't as important as being with other mixed families) don't force them either, work together as a family to model positive self esteem and positive role models. But I will say, having transracial families and role models has proven to be more beneficial to my kids than anything, now that we are in Beijing, they are happy to live in an international community with friends from all over the world. And I will add...when you get out of America the views on race change dramatically....Most of the racial tensions and name calling doesn't exist like it does in the States.

This is so true for us. I just never thought about race at this level. I had plenty of diverse friends. They never really talked about it and I never really asked. It always seemed so taboo to ask them about how their experiences might differ from mine... I never read about race. While watching the history channel one day, I realized how much AA history was completely missing from my education and immersed myself in history books for a few months... (now I don't have time to read... HAHA) Now, I notice when I am in a diverse group at a function vs a homogeneous group. I feel more comfortable in the diverse group.... My son and my profound love for him changes me for the better, bit by bit, every single day.

No doubt. The change for me from being a white mom of black kids to a member of a multi-racial (minority) family was fundamentally enormous and at almost a cellular level. :) My life is SO MUCH BETTER and SO MUCH RICHER because of it.

That is a powerful statement, thanks for sharing. :-)

It's true for me too. I was always comfortable with different races & judged people by their personality & not their race, I really never thought about it much. After we adopted Nicole it's like my world has opened up more. I have more diverse friends now & notice more how diverse places or groups are, & find myself wanting to talk more with black moms when I'm in a group.

On a side note, Musemoon post reminded me about the importance of being,multicultural. Goodness knows its hard enough in the states to be aware of the contributions that Blacks and other minorities have contributed to the US vs. being multicultural. She is lucky to be able to live in cosmopolitan, multicultural areas. That is a great exposure for any kiddos. I must say some countries have their own issues with ethnic groups, and it can have similarities and differences to racial issues in the US. Another thing is this with ,multicultural: My family is from the Caribbean, my DH ancestors are mostly in the US. Both of us per family history and DNA has backed up are multiracial. African, European. Our European admixture is North Europe/colonial. Irish for DH, Scottish for myself. Additionally, for DH its NA and for myself its Western Asian (IE; Palestine etc). We both have South Asian as well..and need to explore that link. Anyhow, tweak the exposure to the admixture population, but this is the reality of many AAs. On the average per recent reports, AAs other ethnic admixture make up is 20%. So other admixture...you can look at or almost 50% to 10% So far I am not aware of an AA who is 100% African. Cannot tell the % by external looks either. In addition, African is a diverse mixture of people to start with, that's another topic. How one self identify is another story, but many are an integral part of the Black community. Back to children with the admixture from the Latino population. The history of many Latinos is that they have African admixture; Latinos are a mixture of Native Americans/Amerindians, European, and for some African, they are the new world people. However, in respect to Afro Latinos: for example, there are millions of African ancestry in Brazil alone. There are pockets of groups with African admixtures thru Mexico and Latin America. Some have kept their African culture intact. For example: through the Caribbean the Garifunas: [URL="http://www.garifuna.com/"]Garifuna.com[/URL]. Guatemalan adoption found African DNA while doing parentage DNA testing of the first parents. This is because via history pre and intra middle passage slave trade, there is the connection that we Blacks have in common. Tweak the colonization and you have a little bit of a difference with language, but the core is the African cultural connections that remained via the many African ethnic groups. The mix of language, food, music, dance, and skills..etc; They are a part of the African Diaspora. The Diaspora connect all within ad outside of Africa. There is no core difference nor should there be a separation. Soledad O'Brien (whose mom is Afro Latina) of CNN hosts a Latin in America segment.Its imperative that we teach our children proper history of their ancestry.Especially as it connects the Americas.

My family did the DNA testing through National Geographic. We all started in East Africa it appears. My particular line bounced up to North Africa then the Med and Spain through Europe into Scandinavia before coming to the US.In the end we are all connected :)

Dr Spencer Wells is behind this, loved his documentary tracing DNA from the South African ethnic group, I believe it was the "bushmen" Sans ethnic group out of Africa. Fascinating theory, there is a YouTube clip of his recent findings of the study. We are connected from ancient times. I also noted that some CCs are finding "recent" African admixture.. the spectrum of who we really are, and how folks end up twisting such is interesting.

My knowledge may not always be so worldly, but my DNA certainly is. Knowledge is something we can work on :)

I agree that when you adopt a child of another race, your family becomes another race. And I agree its weird how much it really is at a cellular level. I still vividly remember making some statement to a black co-worker and friend along the lines of "that was directed at US as black women!" She said, "Pretty sure it wasn't directed at you, Jen." And it literally took me 5 minutes to figure out that she meant I wasn't black. It didn't even occur to me that's what she was talking about. I know I am not black and will never have that experience, but that's what I mean about it changing how I perceived myself at a cellular level. To the original poster, I was think about this thread last night. We went out to dinner at TGI Fridays last night. In a good neighborhood. The place was hoppin and there was not one table with all white people (or even all the same race people). Every single table I could see had at at least one black person at it. The normal in my area is mixed race families. A child raised in my area is going to get a very different message about himself and his family before I even make any effort to enhance relationships and connections with black folks, just because of where we live. No matter what I do and how good of a job I do, I can't replace that if I do not live in a deverse place. That's what you have to worry about if you live in a non diverse place. Your child will always be the black child of white parents. Even if you immerse yourself in the AA scene in your area, you are still the white people with the black child. That's a very different way of life for a child that either living in a place where diversity is normal or being raised by black parents.

Because I FEEL so multi-racial / multi-cultural and because there is an acceptance of such when I am out with my kids (a nod, a smile - an understanding or acceptance into the minority communities of my kids) I forget that when I am out alone that my 'cellular difference' isn't really apparent :) I am just some wacky white woman making inappropriate eye contact :)