Thank you all for your beautiful comments and "congratulations" on Aria You guys are so wonderful I just love you :-)....I tell you I think she KNOWS she's adopted! She is just prancing around the place like a little princess.
To Paula and all :-) HMG is the guy who gets towed with me and Aria and our dogs....we were meant to go on a camping trip and we blew a tire on the road and spent four hours in a nowhere nothing of a town in Armpit California, after all of us were towed :-) He is in the scene too where he is "hi 5ing" her when she was 14 days old and a few other scenes. Also the only dude in the picture at court...though I must say none of us look too hot in that picture :-) Also he is the one who makes Aria dance in video 2 (they are doing Tina Turner's version of Proud Mary) and the braclet she is wearing is not a medical ID bracelet, but the one I wore when I was a baby.
The blonde lady is my sister, who loves this child more than anything on earth....or maybe she loves her new husband more tee hee. Sadly the gay daddies did not make the film...in fact I don't have film on them, but trust me they're both hot! Their little one is still a foster/adopt child so they still need to remain annonymous (yep...can't spell that!)
As for Paula and Forever Family and the feelings of being overwhelmed and depressed....well count me in that group. WHAT!!!?????!!!! I just finalized I am flying on cloud nine....life is swell.....I'm super happy.
All of which is very true :-) However, I have been running a long marathon and am about to die! (of exhaustion) The good news is, my mother is moving to my sister's :-) I think we will all be happier, I really love her, but dang it all she has got to start taking care of herself, for herself. Apperantly it is not gonna be all fun and games at the newly weds home, mom has chores and a star chart and my sis is gonna check in with her therapist every week....sound like any special needs kids we know????
As for me well....I am just wiped out....so I know the feeling...or rather I am trying to deny it, but part of all of our healing is accepting defeat, regrouping and going in again for another go around from a different direction.
So...he we go! I need some time off, I play with Aria all day and work all night, leaving NO time for me, so I decided to do three half days of day care a week to get some time to write uninterupted and not at the wee hours of the night, when I am usually having some sleep deprived out body experience (sadly that may be what is making my writing so good) but wrinkles, a wide @ss and grey hair are not good trade offs, I'd rather have a little less lucid writing and a lot more of me back.
So....here's how daycare goes....Aria cries for THREE HOURS STRAIGHT!!!! I am called by the care giver to pick her up, she sees me and her salt stained face breaks into a grin and we have nary a tear no more...only did mom get anytime to herself??? NOPE! Got home found out my mom had broken a glass in the kitchen and it needed cleaning and dumped over the dog bowl, that needed cleaning too and there were emails from work yada yada yada....
AND THE CARE GIVER TELLS ME.....ready for this....this is the worst worst part! ARIA calmed down when she watched BARNEY AND THE TELLATUBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You heard me correctly. My child, my beautiful precious child was pacified by the purple spawn of satan and the fat gay (sorry gay people) minions of lucifer! I swore I would go to my grave if my daughter ever even set eyes on either of those horrendous shows and it turns out that THEY CALMED HER DOWN!!!! That's it....just shoot me! I am a sucky parent....who said I was a good parent....shame shame!!!!! I am a sucky parent....my child was quieted by BARNEY!!!!! Hello did you hear me BARNEY!!!!!! I wanna die...just kill me now!
What is worse than that? Not nursing school or parenting a billion kids, or fatigue or any of ya'lls "problems"....we are talking BARNEY and it is not pretty!
Seriously I really worried about putting her in day care and I found a place I thought I would like and I do, not too thrilled that they watch TV even PBS as Aria doesn't watch anything but Baby Einstein at home and only for twenty minutes, but there are only two babies there and she would get a lot of attention, we will see how tomorrow goes, if it goes badly I may have to rethink this :-(
As to Paula (ok...your journal name has a lot of numbers and I always forget them :0) Wow, it sounds bad. I tell ya sometimes it is so hard to get out of an emotional hole, trust me I think I am just digging myself out of one now. Sometime it is hard to find the joy when everything feels heavy and sad....I don't really have much advice as I am trying to regroup as well, but I do know that if I start tiny pieces of the larger puzzle and accomplish those I will finally feel free, seeing in the end a change has been made.
Example. I am living in chaos, I love beauty and peace...but um it ain't happenin' here. Couple of things are contributing....I don't have a dishwasher...well that's the first that comes to mind....second I never fully moved it...I have been house mother to a deadbeat au pair and a mentally ill mom and I parent a one year old all day, I have not had time to clean the garden, fix the patio, put away or get rid of things I don't have room for....so I need to finish moving in. I need to establish a "doable" routine and give myself A BREAK, so I am not a dehydrated piece of zombie leather, draging my limbless body around, eeking out any second (like now for example) to get one tiny fraction of time for me.
I have to accept that I am not perfect, will never be perfect and upon attaining such perfection, I will probably breathe my last breath, so cross perfect OFF of the list of things to accomplish. Talk to other mothers and fathers and see that you belong to that overtired over worked, underpaid, stressed out, but in love with their kids-club. And guess what we are all lifelong members!
So do we throw in the towel gain another twenty pounds, turn into a figment of ourselves and blame it on something....anything or do we just breathe in....and out...slowly....look at the whole picture and then DON'T....just take one part you can change and gradually start to heal. At leat that is what I'm doing....however changing expectations might also be in order....right a list of the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS for peace and happiness in our lives and then the things at the bottom scratch off....or postone (till kids are in college or other things that might hinder us at this time...usually things like travel all over the world, read the whole bible, learn to rhumba...are those things :-)
And then do one thing each day to accomplish your goal....including things that may be hard, like kick out your mother if she is a recipe for depression or change the relationships that are sucking you dry. If they are kids or family, find a way to set better boundaries (something I am working on) And don't be afraid of not being the nice guy...sometimes they really do finish last.
The worst thing that we ( me especially) can do is do nothing to change what is making us unhappy. By not making the changes that help us grow as people we stagnate and wither....however that being said let's give ourselves a moment to just not be right! Not be perfect, in essense "fail" there is a lot to be learned from the bottom of life, you see the top in a better more direct light than you do when you are flooded with it from the top.
But start small....the bigger stuff will come to us all!
Ooooohhhhh was that preachy????? wow....that sounded Preachy! If I were writing a script this is what it would say.
LARGE CYBER CROWD, RUBS EYES AND AFFIRMS.
Boy that was Preachy!
PERSON IN THE CYBER CROWD
She's usually not so preachy!
ANOTHER PERSON IN CYBER CROWD
It must be something in the water.
Ok...it was preachy....mostly cause I needed to hear myself write :-) I am finally starting to clear my gray clouds and I promise I hope everyone is able to do it....the air feels cleaner, nicer and more fun to breathe.
Much love to everyone especially Paula :-) and anyone who is struggling right now.
Forever Family....ok girl.....go out and have a margarita you are due!!! Take care of you, your beautiful family is doing fine....kiss your beautiful girls and marvel at their accomplishments (pat yourself on the back too) and kiss your little guy....which gets me thinking....they are the same age....um...both little cuties.....could be husband material for Aria. Kidding :-) I DON'T MATCH MAKE....but let's say she met him randomly on her own....now that would be cool.
Carolyn....YOU ROCK!!!! I needed to add that :-)
To Tudu....Hope you are having a blast at Mikestock!!!! You deserve it...and I know you're having a Margarita or at least I hope you are. (look at me assuming everyone is a drinker :-)
And to all of you who reached out again....much love and blessings....life...while sometimes a little sucky....is still always marvelous!