Is there a "next" step?

I'm sorry your birth mom has refused contact with you at this time. I am in reunion with my son, but also we had a semi-open adoption where letters and pictures were exchanged over the years, and so there was always communication going on. Still, when I got his identifying information and we were opening things up more, it was indeed terrifying for me! A lot of emotions came up that truly blindsided me. Given that, I would have loved to see a FB page such as you set up for your birth mom. I was initially scared to move forward with reunion, had all sorts of anxieties and aprehensions about it, but took things slowly and processed the emotions as best as I could along the way. I think my son was afraid, too (though I don't know that he would admit that!) because he had indicated he wanted to be in contact through my agency, but then did not respond to me for a very long time. I just kept sending him things through the agency until he was ready to move to direct communication, but honestly, that took several years after I got his identifying information. My son and I met last year, and speak on the phone every few weeks. He lives far from me, so we don't get to see each other as much as I'd like, but we are building a foundation. I still haven't told anyone in my family though. Not because they didn't know about my pregnancy or because I'm ashamed or anything like that. It's just not the right time for me to bring family members into this and there are extenuating circumstances with them that make it very hard for me to include them. It is hard to say what your next step should be. With my son, I knew at least he was open to receiving my letters, even if he was not yet ready to reply. So I just would drop him a letter every season or so and let him know what was going on in my life. If your birth mom is not even receptive to that, it makes it harder, for sure, but it's not out of the question that she may have a change of heart down the road. Not to raise false hope, but it is really such a shock when our surrendered children reach out, it does bring up all sorts of intense and very crazy emotions that are extremely hard to cope with, not that any of that is your fault. I was open to contact with my son and still it just blindsided me when he released his identifying information. It is very hard to explain this, but I would guess that your birth mom is simply overwhelmed and does not know how to handle it. If she had a completely closed adoption, did not get counseling, never told anyone, etc., it's going to make things even harder. Still, others have been in this position and eventually have come around. I hope your birthmom is one of them, but still, in reunion, it is advisable to keep your expectations in check. With my son, I kept my hopes high that we would reunite, but really did not have expectations around it. It is so hard to say what your next step should be. Unfortunately, you cannot make your birth mom want to have contact with you. You can let her know your door is always open if she changes her mind down the road. It is also an option to try to reach out to your siblings, but I understand that it makes it much harder if they do not know about your and your birth mom is not receptive to you. It really does put you in a difficult situation. Were you adopted through an agency and do they offer any support groups for adoptees and birth parents in reunion? My agency has these kinds of groups and it has been so helpful to me. There may also be triad support groups in your area that are not affiliated with an agency and it would be good to look into those. You might also want to read up on reunion or some of the books about the birth mother experience. The Girls who Went Away, by Ann Fessler is an excellent resource describing what girls and young women went through in the closed era. I'm not sure if your mom was sent away, but given your age, it is likely that she was. Hopefully, others will chime in with more advice for you!

Thank you so much for your response and insight. It's comforting to hear others stories and I am so happy for you and your son.My adoption was private, just handled through an attorney and thre was no agency. From what I can tell, she became pregnant Jan/Feb of her senior year in AZ college, came home to TX in May, I was born in Oct. She then promptly moved back to small home town in East TX. Met a man, and married the year following my birth. They are still married and have 4 sons, ages 35 to 44....I am 47.I can only imagine how scared and over whelming all this must be for her...since I am the big secret. I feel for her and yet at the same time I have a huge desire to know ane hear from other family. The b mom (68) has two younger siblings, sister is two years younger lives near her and brother lives in AZ, he is 4 years younger than b mom.I am considering writing to the sister ..... she might be more willing to talk with me privately.. As of now I am just thinking and praying on it.Thanks again and I've said a prayer for you and your son's continued relationship to flourish.

Thank you for your prayer, I appreciate that. I hope you find greater clarity and a sense of peace and confidence in how to proceed with all this. It is so hard sometimes to know what to do, but I do believe the answers will present themselves at the right time. I will say a prayer for you, too.

The sister is a good option if she already knows. Contacting her might cause some strife if she tells you bmother though. It's hard when you want to connect and the person doesn't seem to understand how driven we can be. It bothers me that one person can have so much control over who we get to know. My bmother is caught up in all the perceptions that might occur too. I think she makes the whole thing more dramatic than it needs to be but I can understand why. Good luck if you do decide to contact your Aunt. I found a great deal of understanding from my birth father's sister and for that I am very grateful. I guess she didn't let loyalty get in the way for her. It takes a very open mind to see things from the adopted person's perspective especially from people in their family. People become protective not knowing how incredibly confusing it is for us.

It's hard not to interpret as rejection but sometimes it's merely fear of upsetting the person who gave the child up. But it totally dismisses us. I don't know if the extended family realizes how deep that pain goes.

I am SO sorry that your mom can't/won't allow you into her life. I will never understand those who don't jump with joy at finally being able to have their (adult) child lost to adoption back in their lives. I'm a mom, in reunion for 3 years with my 32 year old son. I have yet to see a photo of my son younger than school age ~ your fb page was a wonderful idea and such a great treasure it would have been for me to have something like that! I think that your next move is contacting one of your siblings. Your mom has the right to decide for herself to not include you in her life, but she can't decide that for her raised kids. You never know ~ once her "secret" is out, your mom may finally realize that living in honesty is so much better than living a life of lies. I completely understand her fear of coming out of the "birthmother" closet, it is probably the scariest thing I have ever done, but at the same time it's the best thing I have ever done. I wish that I knew her so I could talk to her about how my life has changed for the better. Nobody quit liking/loving me because they learned about my past. I feel like an entirely different person since facing my past and accepting my role as a mom who didn't raise her firstborn. Good luck in reaching out to your extended family!