Birthmom RU'd & Shut Us Out

Just wanted to add -- I think this is a bunch of hooey :)!! Kids need to know that people just dont disappear and if contacts are supportive of the adoption, it can be VERY beneficial to the kids. We had almost constant contact with our sons' former foster mom in the early months after they were placed with us -- her support, and continual reassurance to the boys that she wanted them to be happy, still loved them and was glad they had been adopted, was a PRICELESS gift to our kids.

That was my case exactly, and I went way above and beyond with my girls' bio mom. Part of it is what the other PP have said, they don't want to be reminded that their kids were in care, they don't want to see the bond the kids have, etc. But ultimately, it is a matter of control. When *some* bios get their kids back, regardless of how long it took them to get them back, they feel like they have the control back. It isn't about the kids, and this is one aspect that proves it. During the last review, literally one week before the girls were RU (by chance, not purpose) the mediator stressed to the bio mom how important it is to keep me involved. He went on for several minutes and she kept telling him she had no interest in cutting me out. But it was a game. She had no intention of keeping me involved. But she knew if she said that, it would look bad on her. Those "therapists" who say that the family needs time to "bond" again if hogwash and they aren't worth the paper used to print their licenses. You find me one clinical psychologist who would back that up. I doubt you would find one. Any PhD can tell you that is a traumatic experience to break the bond with the kid. Otherwise why on God's green earth would they still push for and enforce visits with bio's who horribly abused. Certainly maybe a few weeks to let the family get their bearings straight is appropriate, but permanently? 6 months? no, that isn't good. I was very respectful to the bio mom too and didn't try to call the girls, texted her first and such. I can have a certain amount of empathy. I saw the look on the bio mom's face the last time I saw my girls, one week after RU when I returned their toys to them. It was quite clear in their reaction to having not seen me for ONE week how they felt and that they were "my girls." I knew then I would not see them again unless they came back into care. So, I can appreciate how difficult it must be to see the children that you gave birth to respond to another woman in that manner, especially when they NEVER responded that way to her. I can't tell you, but it was heartbreaking to see the pain in their eyes as they told me how much they missed me and loved me. Those kids were in extreme despair and pain. And now for the rest of their childhood, they have to think that the one person that they loved, and who loved them and gave them unconditional love, just abandoned them. How can that be good for a kid? I find it ironic that we as foster parents are required to foster relationships with the bios but there is no requirement post RU. There could be. As long as the agency is involved, they could enforce it, but they don't. I have already decided that once I am "done" with the system, I am going to start pushing however I can for Foster Parent Rights. Not the rights that we all see about administrative things, but that we should have court ordered visitation with the kids after RU. My little one was 2.5 when she came to me, and 4.5 when she left. I was her mom for all of her knowing memory. She had almost no real attachment to her bio mom. In fact, when we were both present, she always lingered by me and stayed near me. I think the other factor is that the bio's don't want to be accountable. Let's face it, at least in OH, the burden to remove children is soooo HIGH that children are continually left in very abusive and/or neglectful homes. Once the agency's post RU time is over (usually 6 months here depending on how long the children were in care) then there is absolutely nobody watching the kids again. Factor in that the children are likely older now, and less likely to report any issues, and the bio parents can go back to their old ways and have no accountability for it, until something bad happens again. To me, the sign of a successful RU is whether they keep the foster parents involved. For one, it shows that they respect the relationship of the FP and the role they had in their kids lives, and for two, it provides built in respite provider, support, and mentorship. Bio families who can see that imho are likely better equipped to learn from their past mistakes and put their children first. Sorry for the book. Obviously this is still a sensitive thing for me. I had such a bad situation that I told my worker I didn't want to engage with bios again. She told me if I took that stance, I'd not get another placement. That is how strongly our agency pushes it. But I have talked to many workers at the agency and RARELY do the bios let the FP stay involved after RU. So why are we being forced to build this relationship???

Clearly I don't have all of the logistics worked out, but I see it as no different than what happens in divorces. When a child has been in a foster home for a significant portion of their live (1+ years) and especially when they are young, it is a traumatic experience to separate them from their attachments. Even children who change daycares go through a lot of trauma, and the daycare givers are not even there 24x7 like the foster parents are. The issue here is not about the parents, bio or foster, but what is in the best interest of that child. If it is recognized by most that they cannot just rip a child out of a family to be RU after a long placement, it should also be recognized that there should be greater transition after the child is RU as well. You are right, it is a difference of opinions. In a Utopia world, none of this would be necessary and parents would maintain their "God given right to parent" as I always hear it. But we don't live in Utopia. We live in a world where bios can do countless damage and harm to their children and still have a right to parent them. They can physically maim them for the rest of their lives, but still get another chance to parent them. I am not at all worried about parental rights. We only started recognizing teen-agers as "children" less than a century ago. I think it will be at least another century before we start recognizing children as their own person, with their own inalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

Oh wait, you had contact with their former foster mom? Not the bios who neglected or abused them? I think that's somewhat different.

Children don't have rights, nor should they until they are old enough to have well developed thought patterns.....

The issue here is not about the parents, bio or foster, but what is in the best interest of that child.

The "best interest" of the child is not the point of foster care...and really it shouldn't be. The point of foster care is reunification of the family. If the point of foster care was the "best interest" of the child, every parent-in and out of the system--would have to be measured against the best standard and children shifted around to the "best". Frankly, that's a standard few of us could meet. Foster care isn't like divorce. The standard is "safe" (and even that's a joke sometimes) not best.

Actually, based on most state statutes governing child welfare, the "best interests of the child" is the purpose of Child Protective Services, and by conjunction, foster care.

What is Foster Care? Foster care is a temporary living arrangement for abused, neglected, and dependent children who need a safe place to live when their parents or another relative cannot take care of them. Often their families face issues such as illness, alcohol or drug addiction, or homelessness. When the county Department of Social Services ( DSS) believes a child is not safe, and a judge agrees, DSS takes custody of that child and finds a foster home for him or her. Length of stay in foster care varies from a few days to much longer. Foster families are recruited, trained, and licensed to care for abused and neglected children temporarily, while their parents work with social work professionals to resolve their family issues. Relatives may be licensed as foster parents. The foster family, DSS and the birth family work together to return children to their own homes as quickly as possible. In cases where the child becomes free for adoption, foster parents may be considered as adoptive parents.

Regarding Termination: Have all appropriate services been offered to the parents in a timely manner? Have the parents responded in a way that demonstrates they are now able to provide at least a minimally sufficient level of care for their children? If the child has special needs, are the parents able to meet those needs at the time of the TPR hearing? Is there reason to believe that the parents could materially improve the conditions or behavior that led to the removal of their child within the next three months? Can any improvement be expected to last? What type of relationship have the parents maintained with their child since removal? What progress or problems has the child experienced while in foster care? Regarding the Childs Best Interest: ҕ What can we offer the child that is better than continued foster care? Are there foster parents willing to adopt the child? ח Do we have other adoptive parents waiting? What is our plan to find them? Have we had success in placing children of the same age, race, or special needs? ו Have we looked at relatives? Can they adopt? ח Can they maintain contact? Will they give דblessing for the adoptive placement? ԗ Will siblings remain together? Should they? Are there people to whom the child is emotionally attached? ՗ How much longer must the child wait for a permanent placement? What percentage of his life has been spent in foster care? ו What will happen if TPR is not granted? Who will דparent this child when he or she is an adult? ԗ Will the child become nobodyӒs child in long-term foster care? (see The Link Between Adoption and Successful TPR )

Courts make a variety of decisions that affect children, including placement and custody determinations, safety and permanency planning, and proceedings for termination of parental rights. Whenever a court makes such a determination, it must weigh whether its decision will be in the "best interests" of the child.All States, the District of Columbia, American Samoa, Guam, the Northern Mariana Islands, Puerto Rico, and the U.S. Virgin Islands have statutes requiring that the child's best interests be considered whenever specified types of decisions are made regarding a child's custody, placement, or other critical life issues.

Have any of you had a Birthmom promise to allow you to see the children after RU? If so, did you later find that they didn't intend on keeping their promise?We have never been best friends with Birthmom, but have gotten close to her and have never been anything but friendly to her and her to us. We visited the children 2 times after RU. Now, all of a sudden, she has cut us off.She made such a point of requesting we be a part of their lives so to avoid them feeling abandoned by us. What happened with all that BS? Why is she doing this? What have you later learned about why a BP would go back on this promise?