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Okay, So, I am 27 years old. I was told for almost 5 years that I couldn't get pregnant because I was born with a Vaginal septum, and two complete uterii and two complete cervix. Anyways..I ended up pregnant. I was devistated because I was just starting my life, standing on my own two feet for the first time..ever. I've always depended on a man. I was a freshman in college and to be perfectly honest..I was going to abort it because we thought the pregnancy was going to put me in danger. The only reason we didnt abort it was because my student loan didnt come in time. So..naturally, we chose adoption. I wouldn't do it unless the couple that I chose agreed for it to be an open adoption. At my first ultrasound with the mother that was going to adopt my baby, we got devistating news..She had fluid around the brain and heart along with clubbed feet. So, they sent me out of town to specialists..The doctors down there pretty much gave her a clean bill of health (we were super excited) I ended up on bed rest for the last 2 months of my pregnancy because I went into preterm labor..When I did have her I had her via C-section. Something was very wrong right away, she didnt cry at first and when she finally did..she ended up having breathing problems. Not only that but she had a dislocated knee along with clubbed feet. They sent her back down to the specialist and the longer she was down there..the more went wrong. In the end she had Clubbed feet, reflux, ASD, VSD, and PDA ( three holes in the heart) pulmonary valve stenosis, pulmonary hypertention, silent aspiration, and a congenitally dislocated knee. My wonderful bundle of joy ended up passing away from a fatal lung disease called ACD (Alveolar capillary dysplasia) on December 8th 2011. She was 16 weeks and two days. I feel like a piece of crap. Not only did i give my wonderful beautiful baby up, but i did it knowing she was so sick. So now I feel super guilty. Im on prozac but the depression is still there. It's not something I can seem to overcome..I dont know that Im supposed to. I miss her so very badly.. I am busy every single moment of every single day to keep my mind off the fact that she's not here. It's starting to not work and I dont know what im going to do when it just completely stops working..Giving her up was the best thing I could've done for her, I just feel extremely horrible for doing it because she was so very sick and a part of me knows that theres nothing i could've done to help it..but most of me is filled with an unbelievable amount of guilt.
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Find a local support group, for issues of grief. There are support groups for women who miscarry or have babies stillborn -- I am *positive* they would accept you as my neighbor's daughter experienced this about a year ago. Her daughter was 3 days from due date. I know this isn't exactly the same, but I believe it's close enough that they would accept you. There are online support groups, might or might not work for you.You might also be able to find a support group for people who have had their children die. Here's one place to start: [url=http://www.compassionatefriends.org]Home Page – The Compassionate Friends[/url]The grief after losing a child is so very intense... you just had 2 losses in a row. So very difficult. People at Compassionate Friends post stories about their intense grief which will probably help.Do you have any communication with the adoptive mother, so you can share your grief over this child?
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I havent seen or talked to her since the funeral..she shut down. Doesn't text or email me, took me off facebook and blocked me. She goes to church with my parents, and she makes me feel like its my fault and that the baby was the only thing connecting us when I thought we were closer than that..
You and amom may very well have been closer than that. She's going through her own grief, and this may be her way of dealing with it. I agree with the pp - finding a support group would be a great idea. In addition to her resource, there is an organization called Share Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support ([url=http://www.nationalshare.org]Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss Support Inc.[/url]) that has lists of local support groups.Your daughter's death is not your fault. You did everything you could to give her the best chance possible. Unfortunately none of us can control the outcome, and this is the outcome you ended up with. It's not fair, but it's not your fault, either.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I am so very sorry that you are feeling guilty - I think everyone who has lost a child finds something to feel guilty for that is unwarranted - it is a normal response to deep loss but it is unwarranted, and over time you will be able to see that as well. You should try to reach out like you have done here to a support group or pastor or doctor - face to face - touch helps a lot. It's tough, it's awkward but can help. The reactions of the AP seem very similar to how spouses tend to react when a child loss occurs - each grieves differently at different times and if it does not bring you closer (which is rare) it drives you further and further apart. The stages of grieving are real and which stage you are in, or the sequence you go through them is unique to you, and how many times you visit a stage is also unique to you. There is no right sequence or right way to process this. I know it did not help me at the time, but time will make it less raw and eventually the grief will not be so overwhelming. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. It gets better. Reach out - just keep reaching out until you find a group that gives you even the smallest amount of peace. Kind regards,Dickons
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(((Kristi))) I cannot even imagine what you must be going through. I agree with others that you need to talk to a professional about your grief. It sounds like you feel bad for placing your baby for adoption. Just try to remember that you did what you felt was best for her at the time of her birth. Easier said than done, I know. As far as the adoptive mom goes, it sounds like she is still so mired in her own grief that she doesn't know what to say to you or how to interact with you. I know it must be painful for you but it is not your fault. I hope you find the suport you need here and IRL too. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Kristi,
First of all, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Second, I echo the thoughts of earlier posts that you should seek out a support group to help you sort out your feelings. That's probably the best single idea I could suggest.
Lastly though (and this is a bit existential I guess and comes from my perspective as an adoptee) were I to venture an opinion of what your daughter would say if she were able, it might be "it's okay." It is completely understandable that you're having regrets over giving her up for adoption, "if only I'd known." The point is that you acted in her best interests the entire way. You did what you did for her betterment. In some way, I believe she knows that where she is now, and if you can forgive the nature of this thought, I hope it may provide some peace.
Best,
PADJ
Kristi,
Maybe I am way off base here, but I am assuming that part of the decision to go through with the adoption, especially knowing of your poor baby's health challenges, was because her adoptive parents were better equipped with both health insurance and money to to get her through the health issues. You were doing what you thought was best for your daughter at the expense of a broken heart and it seems like a bruised body. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling now - you must have thought your sacrifice would be enough to save her. But try to minimize the guilt. You were trying to do the right thing!!!
My DH and I lost a baby 26 years ago to SIDS. He was our last child, and we were not feeling very financially secure. We talked about ending the pregnancy, but didn't. He seemed to be healthy when he was born and we fell in love with him immediately when we saw the first ultrasound photos. He was full- term, but died very unexpectedly 6 days later. I felt guilty forever because I had been thinking about terminating the pregnancy.And I felt guilty because I wasn't able to save him. But that is not what killed him. SIDS killed him.
Likewise, your wonderful baby died from some serious complications that had NOTHING to do with the adoption. Yes you will hurt. But try to keep the guilt at bay as much as possible. The guilt is destructive. The grief is normal and will get easier with time. I wish I knew what else to tell you to help. Losing a baby is devastating. If you need someone to talk to send me a PM. I will help however I can. Take care and let the guilt go! Sending love and comfort your way - Deb
Dont feel guilty....I know thats easier said than done... but look at it this way...and the reason i can say this is because my child passed away. Everything happens for a reason. In this case it makes you a stronger person for what is in store for you in the future. So just accept it and go on with your life. It will take you about 3 or 4 years to accept it ...just stop thinking so deep about it. Find things to do to change the subject. Maybe you want to get yourself educated to counsel other mothers that have gone through this..That would help your healing process. Dont drink...it wont help...and try to get off of the meds. Focus on your future and having the next baby with the man that you Love.
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Hey Kristi,
Please, take it easy on yourself. Guilt and remorse will kill you. That's your depression, you're angry at yourself and you've turned it inward on yourself.
I hate to break it to you, but you are only human. You cannot be perfect. I know, try as we may, progress is all we can hope and shoot for. Perfection, that's not happening. Give yourself a break.
You may feel horrible, but you are not horrible. You don't have to "be" how you feel.
You said you did the right thing. In your heart, you know that and that is all that matters. Stop judging yourself. You'll never pass that test anyway.
Big hug for ya:
{{{{{Kristi}}}}}}
Forgive yourself. You did not do anything wrong here.
Hey Kristi,
Please, take it easy on yourself. Guilt and remorse will kill you. That's your depression, you're angry at yourself and you've turned it inward on yourself.
I hate to break it to you, but you are only human. You cannot be perfect. I know, try as we may, progress is all we can hope and shoot for. Perfection, that's not happening. Give yourself a break.
You may feel horrible, but you are not horrible. You don't have to "be" how you feel.
You said you did the right thing. In your heart, you know that and that is all that matters. Stop judging yourself. You'll never pass that test anyway.
Big hug for ya:
{{{{{Kristi}}}}}}
Forgive yourself. You did not do anything wrong here.
It is now 2-11-12. My daughter has been gone for 2 months and 4 days. I still have heard nothing from AP..whatsoever. My boyfriend and I are doing as well as can be expected. I snap alot more now, Im still on medicine..I was kicked out of college for failing..have to file an appeal to get reinstated. Im jobless..looking though. And how ironic is it that im actually taking care of my sisters kids because she is literally to **** lazy and selfish to do it herself..but my daughters passing "opened her eyes" ...give me a break, like i wasn't already dealing with enough, now i have that drama queen to deal with..For the record..When we decided to put her up for adoption..we had no idea she was so sick..we found out weeks later..MY boyfriend and i dont even have much to remember her by..the AP's and my parents get everything..which..how fair is that? I think im resenting them for it..why do they get stuff and we get nothing? All we have is her very first ever pic, a souvenior birth certificate and thank jesus someone made a prayer blanket for her and so kindly gave it to us..I dont have anything or anywhere to grieve..they creamated her and kept all the ashes..no headstone no nothing..what am i supposed to do? I tried talking to someone but it doesnt work..and ive also found that the sentence "I know how you feel" or "I know what your going though" makes me want to scream...
You're right. I don't know what you're going through and I don't know how you feel. I've not experienced what you have. The types of reactions that you list are I think pretty classic stress and grief reactions. And you are entitled. It would be good if you could find someone to talk with as a counselor who is up on how best to handle such things.
You know, my last post probably sounded more like it belonged on a psychic blog site than one oriented to adoption. And I'm trying very hard to not do that again, but I'm finding myself failing pretty badly at it.
Some years ago I went through kind of a rough time when I lost my best friend in the world. It was a pretty bad time. He was here one minute and gone the next, and all I (and many others) could do was cope with the coulda woulda shoulda feelings. I still have those to this day, but the guilt associated with them isn't as bad.
Anyway, my point in this is that while our two situations are different I was also quickly left with little or nothing. In his situation he was cremated as well, and there is the inurnment site that I visited multiple times. But after a while I found that visiting the site didn't feel like it was helping me, nor was I visiting "him" if that makes sense. I felt more like I was talking to a wall, which I literally was. I didn't want to talk to a wall...I wanted to talk to my friend.
So I began doing exactly that...talking to him. Sometimes out loud, sometimes in my mind. I found that was much more therapeutic than talking to a wall, or placque, or headstone etc. I cannot report that he's ever really "answered" me, but I do believe he hears. And as I said in my earlier post, I think your daughter understands.
You might begin by taking the picture you have of her along with the blanket and just sitting with those two things while you talk to her. It's a starting point anyway. I'll stop now before the powers that be start thinking of booting me off the boards!
Best,
PADJ
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