12 yr old girl with major attitude RAD

You mentioned RAD in your title but not in the post. Has your daughter been Rx with RAD? We had a child that was here for over a year that we were in the process of adopting and it didn't happen. He was EXTREMELY toxic for our family. Not having your husband support you is killer. I had that as well. A lot of that was our FS driving a wedge between us and making me look like a liar a lot of the time. I have SEVERAL friends, most who have blogs, regarding their adopted RAD kids. PM me and I can link you up. Honestly, I felt the same as you did and my story ended as disruption. Yours does NOT have too. With enough support, you can make better choices, not in the heat of a moment. Also, consider a respite weekend to simmer down, for your SANITY! Have her go to a family member's over night and treat yourself to some peace. You are not alone!

It seems to be common for kids to pick one parent over the other. I have 5 kids adopted from foster and I've seen a lot of this, especially in the first years. The mother seems to get the bad end most often, even more when you are dealing with girls. Maybe they are mad at the birth mother and taking it out on you by association, or maybe they still love the birth mother and think they can't love two mothers, or maybe they think they can manipulate their dad with charm but not their mom. They might have a need for affection and have a lot of anger and the presence of two parents gives them an outlet for both. Whatever drives it, it isn't personal. It might help to remember that but surely still won't be easy. Your new daughter would almost certain be doing this to any mother on the planet. Here is how we deal with it: We team up and systematically drive them crazy with it. Whoever the kid is treating like the "bad guy" is the one who supplies most of the good things. Whoever is the "good guy" is the one that hands out discipline and enforces chores. We tend to see some flip-flopping on who is the "good guy" and who is the "bad guy". It helps to keep their behavior balanced. It makes it hard for them to be angry at the one and it makes charming the other a frustrating experience. Hang in there!

I apologize in advance for the LONG post but what you're saying sounds familiar. Like you, I'm generally seen as the "bad guy", and like you my husband is much more relaxed about discipline, chores, etc. When my husband asks, it's done without argument. When I ask, I get resistance. However we're several years into our adoption and have found some things that are working for us. Homework-----------------The general rule is: You can start whenever you'd like, but no phone/tv/video games/computer until it's done. If that's 8pm, so be it. I handed over control of enforcing this to my husband. This has been hard because he's not as strict with it as I would like, but it's been healthy for our family. If homework is not done, I talk to my husband and he talks to our son. Chores-------------------We have a daily chore list (monday dishes, tuesday trash, Saturday bigger chore) and his weekly allowance is based on this. Like with homework, the daily rule is that he can do it when he wants, but no "electronics" until it's done. If he skips a day of chores, I TRY not to mention it and his allowance is just a little lower. I also try to hand over enforcement of the daily chores to my husband, though we're not all the way there yet (backing off and empowering him to take over can be tough for me). For weekend chores, we work together as much as possible so that it feels more like a team effort than a dictatorship. My son doesn't notice if I'm working all day, but he certainly notices if I'm sitting on the couch while he's doing his chore! I do my chore at the same time, or pitch in to help with his. Music helps too.special requests--------------------I try to limit the special requests, since we have specific daily expectations. But when I ask my son to do something out of the ordinary, I expect him to reply with a time that he will do it, and until that time I do not ask him again. For example, if I ask him to unload the dishwasher, he needs to say "can I do it at 4" rather than "later" or "after this show". Then I don't ask again, unless it's after 4 and not done yet. This eliminates me getting frustrated by having to ask so many times, and him feeling nagged. It also gives him the illusion of having a little bit of control. Other random things: ------------------------Sick of telling him to get off the phone 10 times, I said: "You're in charge of getting off at 9pm (the phone goes downstairs at 9, NOT 9:01.). If you're late, that's fine I won't say a word, just know that your phone is off limits the next day." Shockingly, this has been working. I make a conscious effort to do fun & goofy things with him so I'm not ALWAYS the dictator. Allow yourself to relax and have fun together even if you're annoyed. Have a random dance party, go play laser tag, bake cookies, whatever. Also make a conscious effort to praise her (even if you're not feeling it!) when she does even the simplest things. Another thing that we tried that didn't work for us, but may work for you, is a daily checklist with times. (3 pm homework, 4 pm chore). The theory was that anything that would keep me from verbalizing an "order" would help both me and my son. But for whatever reason, the checklist didn't work well for him. Anyway it took a lot of trial and error to find things that are working, and I still get super frustrated sometimes to be seen as a tyrant while my husband is getting to be the "good guy". On good days, I can embrace this role and focus on all the good things my husband brings to the table (there are a million, even though discipline is not one of them). Hope that any of these suggestions help but if not...just know that you're not alone :)

Oh My... you sound just like I have felt in the past. I can feel you and I can hear your pain in your post. Let me say first that you are not alone in this and that what you are going through has happened to others. I am a mom to a 10 year old RAD girl that we adopted 1 year ago after 6 months of placement. She has done all of what you said and more. I have dealt with tantrums, running away, foul language, screaming all of it. First, I had to learn that my girl is not doing these behaviors "at" me she is struggling with big Pain and fears and this is how she is displaying them through her attitude and mouth. Once I didn't allow her attitude to effect me I was able to better manage and not be so quick to get angry with her but was able to be empathetic to her. Second, I started using the Dan Hughes PACE method Playful,acceptance,caring and empathy. When she blows up on me and it is often. I remember to slow down and not take it personally and I am often quiet and don't react this the "RAD" reactive part of reactive attachment. I allow her her blow out and when she is calm and regulated I talk with her. I got a lot of my good information from Beyond Consequences love and logic book.... also a great parenting coach I found online who uses the Dan Hughes method as well. You can do this. The big thing is not reacting to her and not letting her get under your skin. Empathy for how she is feeling and the big thing is seeing if her reactions to you are a displaced anger for something else she is upset about. I deal with that most of the time. I hope you know you are not alone and hang in there.

I am a parent to 12 children and 6 are through adoption. I am having a very hard time right now with my 15 yr old that we have had a year. Overall she does well, but she has been through two failed adoptions and now us, not to mention remembering when her bio mom took her to the orphanage when she was seven. We are at a trust breakthrough now so the attachment issues are in full force right now. I am so glad I read this, I was hurting. I have most days that I don't take things personal but it got under my skin today.:grr: My husband saw this and joined forces with me stronger, he let her know that we stand together. This set her off so much stronger. I love this child so much and hurt for her. Thank you for posting here because I certainly don't feel so alone now.

You are not alone. I am the mom of 5, 3 adopted. We have lots of struggles. Hard to feel good as Amon when everything feels so chaotic. We too had sought a lot of avenues for resources. One that really helped was the coaching we received from Hope Connections. They do coaching in the home or via Skyoe. It really helped me to have someone watching my daughter in action and give me really specific tips and tools. Our world has calmed down a lot, their website is [url=http://www.tohavehope.com]Hope Connections - adoption - Hope Connections - support[/url]

What you're going through sounds a lot like what we have faced. It is very difficult to keep your strength and keep loving your child when they often or never show love back. What most of us really want as parents is just for our kids to listen, and it sounds like you often don't get that. In so many ways, it is hard. What helps us is understanding that they are just scared and are just waiting to be kicked out of our family. We haven't kicked any out yet, and we're not going to. Convincing some of our kids of that fact is not an easy task. Stay strong, love her, and consider that how she is acting is a normal response to an awful beginning in life. If you can stick with her, eventually you will get her trust, and the reward of watching her blossom is greater than any other in the world. But be patient, for our oldest, it didn't really all connect until she was 20.