Looking for Bmom's Inputs

(((((Sancy))))) First of all, as a birthmother, thanks for trying reunion again. My daughter has cut me off 3 times, so I understand starting again. There's so much you've said in your post that I've felt/seen in my own situation. Have you had f2f talks? The reason I ask is because written communications with my daughter are frought with potential for miscommunication. At some point, you should take a chance and tell your bmom when she says/does something you perceive as negative... it's possible she didn't mean it that way at all. I, as a bmom, do feel incredibly guilty for giving my daughter up. That causes me to be defensive at times. As for you, I don't think you should EVER feel guilty for being born... your bmom's choice to give you up is evidence she loved you very much. Trust me, if love wasn't a factor, she would have terminated the pregnancy. All of my feelings of guilt are my / my family / society's doing. And consider the possibility that your mother has the same attachment issues you have (for different reasons, of course). It's easier to keep a wall up than take the chance of being hurt by the one that matters most to you. I know I have just skimmed over your post, but I wanted to get something written and off to you a.s.a.p. Feel free to write to me here, or pm me. I hope my post has helped. Soprano

As an adoptee I hope you don't mind I chime in here since you asked for bmoms POV. Let me say that it is not your responsibility to fix bmom's guilt issues no more than you should ever feel guilty for being born. You had no control over that at all. You are here for a reason and have a right to life. You bmom needs to learn to forgive herself, that is something you cannot do for her. You can let her know that you forgive her but unless she forgives herself you will be forever stuck in trying to fix her. I know you say this is your second go at reuinion, but right now as with any of these reuinions you all are strangers that share DNA. Like any relationship these feelings take time to form trust and communication is key. The worse thing anyone can do in any realtionship is alter who they are or how they feel just to make the other person accept of love them. Maybe your bmom does not feel the kind of love yet that you might feel towards her but who is to say that will not happen in time? Get to know her like you would a friend first then go from there. It sounds like you both have some trust issues which is not so uncommon in these type of relationships. There is nothing you or her can do about the past but you can start now in the here and now. I think many times expectaions are made in these reunions where either side thiks there is going to be a magical moment of instant love and they will ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after. Wouldn't that be great but it will never happen. You all have lived a lifetime apart from each other and are two separate people. Many of us by the time we reunite are adults with our own set of values, views and opinions. We have become our owmn persons, both sides. Our experiences growing up where never shared with each other so it it is very difficult to expect each other to know what we felt. The only way for any of these feelings to be known is if we share them and build from there and that can only happen if be have a start point by getting to know each other as adults. I hope you all can have a good go of this second atempt.

We're not reunited yet, but I hope someday we will be. I'm not sure if this is the same as my family, but it sounded like it a little. I hope you don't mind my take on it. It sounds like she may be uncomfortable expressing some emotions. I come from a family that doesn't.... I guess we're the stereotypically stoic english/irish family -don't talk about it, it didn't happen, move along nothing to see here. We very rarely say "I love you". In fact, I don't remember the last time I actually said it to my parents. (I say it to my kids and husband all the time though, go figure.) Maybe she comes from the same type of place - is it possible that this could be the case? My husband comes from a very outgoing, loving family and doesn't understand my family at all. It's hard to explain, but we really don't need to express feelings outloud, we know how we feel towards each other. I know I've worried about how my bson would feel being introduced to some of my family - they'd be awkward with him, and I know it already. I guess I'll cross that bridge if it ever comes. I agree with the other posters here, if she didn't care, she wouldn't have placed you, and she definitely wouldn't have tried a second time to reunite. It could be possible too that she doesn't realize how hard it is for you to show her those feelings as well. Good luck -I hope things work out for you :grouphug:

I have been through a similar experience with my son. He has anger issues which he took out on me. Sometimes he would push me away other times I would push him away as I got so annoyed with his behaviour. On the other hand when he was happy we would get on so well. I found it quite easy though to tell him I loved him. Whenever my son got really angry with me we would both back off and I would send the occasional email just to let him know I was thinking off him. Eventually I had to stop all contact as he became very abusive and accused me of things I hadn't done. We are at the stage now that he doesn't know where I live and I don't want to here from him unless he does something about his attitude. I have kept him up to date with medical information by sending it to his adoptive parents. However when we have had contact I have found it difficult to show my emotions. This is due to being coerced into surrendering and I felt betrayed by my parents and lost my trust in them. Since then I been scared to get close to anybody as I'm scared of being hurt again. It's okay to step back a bit and keep communication light.

First, thanks for all of the comments. They really help. Sometimes we can feel so alone in some of these situations, but unfortunately we aren't. It's hard to make anyone understand something when you don't really understand it yourself. We are in a large minority. The ups are so great but the downs are so dark and painful, almost dibilitating. I often feel so alone, so helpless and hopeless. It really helps to be able to see things for another vantage point. I would love for my bmom to be able to tell me her feelings but I think it is just too painful. I hope we will get there. I guess I feel the extra pressure of knowing that if we don't make it work this time there won't be another chance. It's just too hard and painful. Besides that, my bmom is now 75 and I am 51 so time just isn't on our side. Do you think I should still try to share my feelings with her or does it just make her feel more guilty?

Hello Sancy and welcome to the forums. I am a birthmom. My son is 20 years old. We were reunited over the internet last May. We have had the occasional chat through email or fb but he says that he is not ready to meet me yet. We get along great and he has commented about how he and I are so much alike that we "are basically the same person." He just seems to be afraid to meet me for reasons that I have not quite figured out yet. Therefore, I don't have enough personal experience with reunion to give you specific advice. I do have a hunch as to what your bmom is dealing with. When you were born, girls who got pregnant were sent away to a distant relatives house or a home for unwed mothers. Once the baby was born it was placed for adoption with no input from the mother and she was told to go back home and get on with her life. Once she got back home, no one discussed it and no one acknowledged her loss. Alot of women dealt with that by burying their emotions so deep so they could block the pain. She may have problems expressing and dealing with emotions because she has stuffed them down for so long. Maybe she is making bad jokes because she is uncomfortable with the emotions she is feeling and she is trying to deflect. She could have also come from a family that doesn't express emotions like Dakota mentioned. I hope that you and your birthmother are able to have a successful reunion this time and develop a relationship while you all still have time together. Good Luck!

OK, you asked, so don't be alarmed at the length! From my perspective, I ruined my own life, my child didn't do it. I feel bad that I was stupid and careless, but glad that he exists. I feel terrible that I wasn't ready to give him a home; I came from an isolated family, had an isolated childhood, and was way behind in coping strategies. My boyfriend was also not very grown-up. I may even have been hurting myself deliberately, having had an important relationship that ended badly. I do notice that throughout life I deal with pain by thinking about past pain, not the current one. Bad coping mechanism, I can tell you! I was unable to talk about my son with anyone after the adoption. My mom and I never spoke about it again, she thought that was the way to forget & move on. WRONG. I never forgot, and had no support emotionally. Even my boyfriend refused to talk about it, ever. I couldn't imagine telling another man about this...so eventually, years later, married the birthfather. His parents knew, had done their best to prevent us staying together, but in the end accepted me, but wouldn't allow talk about the child, even when he only wanted to tell them the child was born, and adopted. They didn't want to know, either. We had another son, who didn't know, until he was 20. I felt they might meet accidentally, or, have a resemblance noticed on social media, whatever...He wanted me to search, which gave me permission, essentially. Found birthson, we have met twice over the last 4 years. (Live far apart.) The resemblance to both of us and son is startling. I try to respect the life he's had with his own family, so I try not to assume too much, though that's not entirely how I feel. I wouldn't want to upset his family, and he doesn't talk about them any more, though he told me some negative stuff at first. We are very different, since he was raised in a more conservative part of the country, but I see in his interests my dad. I am sure both of us have said the wrong things, guessed wrong on what the other wanted, but I will always care about him, always want more of him, whether I have that right or not. We mostly feel that the child has the right to decide what will happen in the relationship. Some people are better about asking and sharing than others. He may want something I don't know about, but if asked, he says he's "not an emotional guy, ya know?" Also, as time goes on, we may find that we are even misunderstanding our OWN feelings. Tough, but so is the rest of life, right? When it's been a long time since I've hear from him, I always think I will never see him again. At first we emailed, but not we're down to texts once in a while and calls a few times a year. The boys (silly tern, both grownups) but I think they could've used someone to direct their conversation. Interests different, but level of obsession about those interests identical. Everyone is different, and it's a weird, weird situation. You can't expect each other to be comfortable. Oh, about the jokes, many of us do that when we have feelings we are afraid to express. Tell her you understand how strange this all is, at least. You both deserve to get to know one another better.

I don't know what it is like for your natural mother but you need to understand that you should not feel like you cannot love yourself. You need to love and nurture yourself to overcome whatever life's obstacles bring you. As a natural mother I would go to Hades and back for any of my children, raised by me or not. But with my natural children who I raised when I feel they are hurting me or overstepping their boundries I can tell them "Hey- let's talk, this has got to stop". I could never say this to my relinquished daughter as she does not have all the shared memories and my parenting to pull the mother card that states when you are acting up I will call you on it. So miscommunications may happen in our reunion. Your natural mother may be trying to protect herself. When our relinquished children voice dissatisfaction with us it is life threatening. We may feel like they will leave us. And this may set up walls to prevent getting hurt. Always remember you never ruined her life. You are a part of her life and reunion can be complex and painful. But you are alive and a joy to be in this world. You mean something, you are meant to be and you do not need her validation or others to accept that you are important.