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Just a few weeks ago I had a conversation with a social worker friend about how it's not too early to be talking to our adopted 4-year-old about his birthfamily. (Our son was placed in foster care at birth, birthparents only visited him once or twice, we adopted him at one year and it is a closed adoption.) We've talked about him being adopted and read adoption stories, but hadn't talked in any specifics about his story. After that conversation, I started talking to him more about how he grew in another lady's tummy, and her name is such-and-such, etc. He didn't really seem to engage with the conversation. But last night, seemingly out of the blue, he started talking about how he misses his birthmother and wants to see her and where is she and why can't he visit her now... OH it was HEARTBREAKING!! I think I said all the right things and I'll be showing him some photos I got of her off of Facebook... and start thinking about who in his extended birthfamily might be safe to make contact with.... But I guess I just wasn't quite prepared for these questions and feelings... he's only four!
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It is such an emotional conversation and often times out of the blue and in the worst places, like the middle of a restaraunt at cousin so and so's birthday. I have kids that refuse to call their BP mom and dad (aunt is chosen) I have one that refuses to believe she is adopted. I have one that talks openly about her BP's. Another one is just starting to learn about his past and if horrified that he wasn't taken care of. Whether it was because they were sick or not he just can't believe someone wouldn't care for him. I think both of us are doing right by starting these conversations now because as they get older the questions are going to get harder. At least we have the background story laid. I so understand where you are coming from.
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I am adopted and I have known about it all my life. I too had question about my biological parents, from a very young age and my mother answered the best way she could. As I got older I wonder why she didn't want me and what did I do that was so terrible she left me. My parents loved me and gave me a great life but it took my ability to grow up and learn to love myself before my life moved forward. The best thing you can do is show your child what LOVE means and he will learn to love himself and move forward with his life without his biological parents.
My son is a few years older than that, also adotped at age one, and the converations are ongoing, and not really any easier. Maybe harder. We've always told him what we know to be "the truth"--that his mom placed him in foster care b/c she wanted him to have two parents and she felt she could not take care of him alone, she loved him, etc.
But he still pops up asking why she didn't want him, why she doesn't want to ever see him, why he didn't have a dad, who would give away a baby, was she on drugs, etc.
From talking to older adoptees, I am guessing that the questions he asks are about 1/1000 of the questions he wants to ask, and it is really hard to know that he feels rejected and confused.