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I recently adopted my step-son, just before his third birthday. I have been the only mother in his life consistently since he was 4 months old when he was removed from his birth mother's custody by social services. First she was allowed and hour a week visit supervised by our case worker after her younger brothers came forward and said that she had sexually abused them. Then she was allowed four hours a week supervised by her grandparents once she was taken out of foster care and placed with them. (Her mother is in jail for child abuse.) Then before my son's second birthday, she nearly overdosed twice on different illegal substances. Her grandparents refused to supervise any further visits because they felt and we agreed that she was in no condition to have a healthy relationship with our son. She went back and forth on signing over her rights on a daily basis until she turned 18 and was served with a court order for child support. She signed the adoption papers less than a week later and everything was finalized by a judge. I agreed that we would have no problem giving her occasional updates even pictures as long as she began to show an improvement in lifestyle. Then things started to get really strange. This culminated in her showing up high and belligerent at our doorstep demanding to see "her son". We decided that it would be best to end contact. She seems to only want to harass me; she never bothers my husband with anything, while she is to this day sending me crude emails, text messages and even leaving hateful voicemails weekly. (It has been 5 months.) She seems to not be so heartbroken about having to give up my son, but more about the fact that my husband broke things off with her after he was born. When we did have contact she asked more about my husband than about our son... I had started to make up a life mother book for my son to have as he gets older, to his knowledge I am his only mother but I don't want to lie to him. But I can't help but feel that any curiosity that such a book would create would only be harmful and hurtful for him. I don't want him to suffer but I fear that if he finds out later on that he is adopted and that we didn't tell him that he could feel worse about it... What do I do?! HELP!!
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I firmly believe in letting the topic of adoption be a part of conversation. It doesn't have to be daily, or even weekly. Simply use age appropriate terms.
You might start one day when he sees a pregnant woman or a newborn. At 3 he is too young for a big explanation, but old enough to be told. It could be something as simple as "I'm so happy that I get to be your mommy forever now". If you have one, show him a picture of his birthmom and let him know that she was his mommy when he was born, but she wasn't able to keep him safe so he came to you.
He may ask a few questions, but as long as it is a natural part of his life there shouldn't be many issues, nor as big of issues.
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You should consider going to see a psychiatrist together about this as it will make it easier to get across to your son at this horrible time in his life. He needs to talk about his feeling of anger over this situation or else he will put blame on those closest to him. If possible if your ex-wife would agree to go with him to some sessions and you attend the other half and that way he will be able to talk to both of you and understand the situation more clearly. I hope things pick up for you and your son. You sound like a very caring father. Keep up the good work and give it time
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